Post by mo4wo1 on Dec 12, 2007 12:11:52 GMT -5
I feel so sad, today. He has not been clean. These last few experiences of me catching him looking? Well, they were just the times when I caught him. Every time he goes somewhere, he looks for magazine covers to get a "high" off of... especially the Spanish language mags, here. The covers are pure P!
He says he's been telling himself "They didn't count."
I feel like an even bigger fool than before. I sensed it, that there was something. I have even asked about it before or something similar.
My H for the past 16 months that he has claimed to be P-free, including the last 6 months we have known about "SA", has been looking me straight in the face & lying when I asked if he's struggled or had urges... among other things. He has not been clean at all. He just found a new way to use. And I am sad for this. Sad that he has this problem & sad that he watched me, yet again, begin to build up a life on a lie... his lie. Not my assumptions this time. They were totally his words, his spoken lies. It's all on him, this time.
We fought when I asked the right, or better yet "wrong" question last night. He went cold & silent & walked 2 steps behind me almost the whole way through the store. I tried to talk & he'd get mad, said I planned that... that "intervention".
We ended up talking late & I wrote out a list of my expectations, boundaries, needs, whatever they're called. We have been doing that a lot this past week, writing things out to be clear with each other... like this marriage is a project.
He was so nice & attentive & helpful Sunday while my back was out. Now I am almost certain it was about the guilt he felt for having been caught Saturday night & probably the guilt for what he has been doing all along.
This morning things were hectic as usual. He started following me around, under foot like a child. And when we realized the weather was bad, I brought it up & how we'd need to take all the boys to school. But he refused to make the decision to do so. He wanted me to be the bad guy & tell our 12 year old he would have to wait in the rain for the bus. (His school is the only one hat is in the complete & opposite direction of the other school & H's work.) Taking him to school always makes H late & it almost always annoys him to have to "back track". So, because I made him decide & voiced it, he got mad at me & cold.
I saw the sadness in my son's face. Not only did he realize his needing a ride was an annoyance to his father, it was a "burden", he saw that we fought about it & probably now thinks he's our problem, the cause of it. He likely doesn't see that what the real problem is, is that my H is immature & selfish & refuses to make decisions that may cause him to look like the "bad guy" so he leaves those to me & I am so damned (expletive)ing sick & tired of it!!!
I just lost my temper in trying to talk to him after riding in silence for 30 minutes and got loud. He refused to talk to me. He knows that is a hurtful thing to do me, shut down & go silent on me. He uses it like a sword! It's even one of my "boundaries" that he eagerly agreed to & said he would accept.
What did he do this morning?? Broke one right off the bat.
I feel like the fool again. I have been riding on actions 7 not just words. I keep thinking we're getting somewhere and then he lays another "disclosure" on me.
I can't live this life, this gift I was blessed with, like this. Something has to change! I will not raise my boys in this! I see what this type of marriage does to kids. H, his brother and his sister. They all have horrible relationships! h is, well, H. BIL beats his wife (Hit her once in front of me & has admitted to it. She even had him arrested for it.) & G*d knows what else. SIL's husband calls her stupid (did it in front of me & the kids) and insults her looks regularly (did this in front of me). She married her father, basically.
Our little ride in the van this morning? It was like stepping into the marriage of his parents! Scared the (expletive) out of me. Have had this revelation before but never to this level. It literally took my breath away!
thanks. I just needed to get this all out. I know there's more but I am going numb & thoughtless right now. Not much of a good support member today. Just too damned tired.
I'm full up.
He says he's been telling himself "They didn't count."
I feel like an even bigger fool than before. I sensed it, that there was something. I have even asked about it before or something similar.
My H for the past 16 months that he has claimed to be P-free, including the last 6 months we have known about "SA", has been looking me straight in the face & lying when I asked if he's struggled or had urges... among other things. He has not been clean at all. He just found a new way to use. And I am sad for this. Sad that he has this problem & sad that he watched me, yet again, begin to build up a life on a lie... his lie. Not my assumptions this time. They were totally his words, his spoken lies. It's all on him, this time.
We fought when I asked the right, or better yet "wrong" question last night. He went cold & silent & walked 2 steps behind me almost the whole way through the store. I tried to talk & he'd get mad, said I planned that... that "intervention".
We ended up talking late & I wrote out a list of my expectations, boundaries, needs, whatever they're called. We have been doing that a lot this past week, writing things out to be clear with each other... like this marriage is a project.
He was so nice & attentive & helpful Sunday while my back was out. Now I am almost certain it was about the guilt he felt for having been caught Saturday night & probably the guilt for what he has been doing all along.
This morning things were hectic as usual. He started following me around, under foot like a child. And when we realized the weather was bad, I brought it up & how we'd need to take all the boys to school. But he refused to make the decision to do so. He wanted me to be the bad guy & tell our 12 year old he would have to wait in the rain for the bus. (His school is the only one hat is in the complete & opposite direction of the other school & H's work.) Taking him to school always makes H late & it almost always annoys him to have to "back track". So, because I made him decide & voiced it, he got mad at me & cold.
I saw the sadness in my son's face. Not only did he realize his needing a ride was an annoyance to his father, it was a "burden", he saw that we fought about it & probably now thinks he's our problem, the cause of it. He likely doesn't see that what the real problem is, is that my H is immature & selfish & refuses to make decisions that may cause him to look like the "bad guy" so he leaves those to me & I am so damned (expletive)ing sick & tired of it!!!
I just lost my temper in trying to talk to him after riding in silence for 30 minutes and got loud. He refused to talk to me. He knows that is a hurtful thing to do me, shut down & go silent on me. He uses it like a sword! It's even one of my "boundaries" that he eagerly agreed to & said he would accept.
What did he do this morning?? Broke one right off the bat.
I feel like the fool again. I have been riding on actions 7 not just words. I keep thinking we're getting somewhere and then he lays another "disclosure" on me.
I can't live this life, this gift I was blessed with, like this. Something has to change! I will not raise my boys in this! I see what this type of marriage does to kids. H, his brother and his sister. They all have horrible relationships! h is, well, H. BIL beats his wife (Hit her once in front of me & has admitted to it. She even had him arrested for it.) & G*d knows what else. SIL's husband calls her stupid (did it in front of me & the kids) and insults her looks regularly (did this in front of me). She married her father, basically.
Our little ride in the van this morning? It was like stepping into the marriage of his parents! Scared the (expletive) out of me. Have had this revelation before but never to this level. It literally took my breath away!
thanks. I just needed to get this all out. I know there's more but I am going numb & thoughtless right now. Not much of a good support member today. Just too damned tired.
I'm full up.
And I didn't have to say a bad word about him, nor make a fool of myself. As a result, my stock has gone WAY up with the kids, while his as gone down to where it really was all along (ie an illusion I used to help create). 