What did you THINK you had?

[iambetrayed]

OK - I know that this may not be the healthiest thread ever - but I think that mourning and grieving can help along side being strong and positive.

So what did you think you had ?

I have had this shred of a song in my head all morning and I finally tracked it down. This is what I really, really thought. And I think that it may have even started out true, before my h put all of this cr*p in his head where I should have been. So now I hear it and sob.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=SnaC6cgUmXc

What did you think you had? It doesn't have to be a song ... although I am always up for a good sappy love song, so if you have one please share

Lets compare notes ... and if anyone out there has regained what they thought they once had, please let us know. Please give us hope.

[kello2005]

For the first bit of our relationship I thought I had found a functional healthy relationship. I actually remember thinking one time "oh, this is what a healthy relationship feels like" yeah right.

Even though we're going thru this, I've noticed as of late that our communication is getting better and better every day! It's really inspiring. Now I know this is not the end and we will face challenges again...but for now, I'm just happy the guy will talk to me like an adult!

[iambetrayed]

I know this is not the end and we will face challenges again...but for now, I'm just happy the guy will talk to me like an adult!

That is how I feel, too, kello. I also feel dumb, though - because I didn't even realize that he was acting so immature behind my back - and now I can see how some of our conversations went that way too. Oh well. Live and learn, I guess.

[mo4wo1]

I thought I had finally found someone who loved me, warts & all. I thought I had found true love. I thought I found that special someone who respected me & was willing to grow with me. I thought we had many of the same values & joys & and desires. I thought I found my "him".

I did not approach this life with my eyes closed. I knew about the fact that marriage is no walk in the park. I knew we had baggage & I believed in my faith in him & us that we would make it though our problems together, only to come out on the other side even better.

I thought I found my best friend.

I thought I found the father of my children & the man I would grow old & die with.

I thought I had found someone who would see me as worthy of love.

I thought I found my life's love... the love of my life.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=_TaU5MxrIE8

[kello2005]

because I didn't even realize that he was acting so immature behind my back - and now I can see how some of our conversations went that way too

I hear ya on this one! My SO claimed that when people said all guys think about is s3x was so untrue...meanwhile he's having obsessive thoughts about P and objectifying women up the ying yang!

[dazednconfused]

iambetrayed_
I thought I had a spouse who was faithful. Who saw sexual fidelity the same way I did. My husband is a wonderful husband, aside from this bullsh!t addiction. I thought we had a truly intimate relationship, atleast early on.

What I have discovered is dwelling on what i thought I lost kept me going in circles. Working toward building what we both deserve is where my energy is spent most of the time now.

What I have now:
a communicative husband 95% of the time.
a loving (and shows it) husband 99% of the time
a repentant husband
a truly intimate (emotionally, spiritually, physically, intellectually) relationship with my best friend and wonderful father of my children.
a working marriage, dynamic in that we continue to grow and change together instead of chase our tails in this addiciton and its cycles.

What I want still:
1) 100% trust again, probably will never have that, but I can pray and he can work for it.
2) the feeling that this could go back to hell to go away, but it does keep us on the path and going forward
3) to be able to take a compliment from my husband
4) for him to be truly open to all the love I have for him, and that God has for him. FOr me to be truly open to that again too.

It is not perfect, by any means, but we are working toward that unattainable goal of a perfect marriage. I don't care if it is attainable or not, the journey is now on the same path, together. Sometimes one of us looks to the side of the path, wonders if we are going in the right direction, but we have learned to talk to eachother and work with each other at those time. Lately, that has been a struggle, but it is still a struggle together. We are learning how to build this marriage, the ability didn't just drop out of the sky. There are things to heal, blisters on the soles of our feet if you will. They make the journey uncomfortable, but given time to heal, we can continue on.

that's just where I am at

[mo4wo1]

kello2005 said:

because I didn't even realize that he was acting so immature behind my back - and now I can see how some of our conversations went that way too

I hear ya on this one! My SO claimed that when people said all guys think about is s3x was so untrue...meanwhile he's having obsessive thoughts about P and objectifying women up the ying yang!

OMG!!!!

I used to belong to a debating message board. One day the topic was leading towards I-don't-know-what & for whatever reason, someone claimed "all men MB!" H was reading it with me. I said that it's not true & he said, "You can tell them that's not a fact because I don't!"

[hugs4u002]

I thought I had the love of my life, when I first met my s/o he went to the gym, didn't smoke and seemed to have a healthy attitude towards sex and life He was raised a good old catholic boy, thought that meant he had good morals. He would open doors for me, never a sexist remark out of his mouth, treated me like a lady, cooked for me....you get the picture. Well, he quite going to the gym, started up smoking a year later and completely lost interest in sex. Then came the revelation that he was chatting up other women online, trying to 'hook up' with them and m/b daily to some god awful stuff......... He is not the man I fell in love with, so why do I still love him?

[megan11]

I thought i had alot more than i did. That about sums it up for me.

[zerotolerance]

I thought, "if nothing else, at least he was honest". How's that for knee slapper? That's what was most important to me. I thought we had good compansionship, and moderate love, and we would build on it. I knew that the firey passion we can experience with non pheaded men wasn't there, like I had before with another dude. But I didn't know he was a faking p-osexual, nor the effects of p/mb on a person. I thought I was more mature, and that that super-passionate stuff was for 1st timers or kids, or not necc the best kind to build a releationship with, blah blah blah. Like sexual excitement, was less important to me this time around per se. I was looking for character, and heart and soul. For a man who work and help me build a future for our family. I thought he was a nice guy, and he was honest. Now I think EVERYTHING I thought about him were merely my projections, or him mirroring what he knew I wanted to hear, or things he manipulated me into thinking by not being foreright and honest about himself. To sum it up, I thought an ILLUSION of him was him. But it was just an illusion, his image, not his real self.

"He is not the man I fell in love with, so why do I still love him?" Well, for one reason it is in our nature to love everybody. To not love goes against our nature, that's why we hate the hate so bad. For another reason you are probably still seeing elements of what you think is him, that may or may not actually be him. You know he's not the man you fell in love with, but you still may have some blind spots about the man he actually is. We still love the dream we thought we had, and it takes a while to sort out what is really them, what is really us, what is right, what is wrong, who they are, who we are, etc... Sometimes we still love what we think we have, when we really don't have anything at all. I loved my projections of who I thought he was per se. For a long time after I realized he wasn't exactly what I thought. I just didn't realize that I was projecting who he was when I was loving him, not "knowing" him enough to even know if I loved him that way or not. I love the idea of being loved, and loving others. Then as figured more out, I hated him. Now I love him from a far. I have the same amount of love and concern for him as I would any other stranger per se. But I don't "love" him in a martial way, nor relationship way, whatsoever. And that's perfectly okay with me. At first I thought was bad, to love him, then bad not to still love him, then esp bad to hate him. I think I finally got it right now. I think we have to ask ourselves what's to love? And then see if it that is how they really are, or just our imagination-how we think they are when they aren't.

[iambetrayed]

I thought, "if nothing else, at least he was honest". How's that for knee slapper?

Oh, ZT - You made me laugh out loud with that one. THANK YOU - I am having a really bad day and desperately needed a laugh about now.

Funny, that was probably the most important quality that I admired in my husband, too - he was honest - we were honest, and open. And there for each other. Or so I thought. How depressing.

[completelydone]

What I thought I had:

I thought I had a lover,
I thought I had a friend,
I thought I had a soul mate,
I thought I had a safe place to lay my head... to hide my heart.
I thought I had a good man.
I thought I had a super hero that would lay down his life to protect my own.... that would protect my heart as well.
I thought I had a buddy,
I thought I had a faithful spouse... a loyal companion.. a true blue friend.

Someone to turn to,
someone to confide in,
someone I could trust,
someone I could admire and look up to,
someone I was proud of.

I thought we were a team,
I thought we were in love,
I thought we had similar dreams of us.. of our life,
I thought he respected me,
I thought he admired me,
I thought he appreciated me,
I thought that I was everything to him... especially every woman.
I thought I was the luckiest woman on earth.

Then the distancing started because he started turning to porn and away from me.... all because of his past, his false beliefs, and lies. But even then I thought we could work everything out because at least he was faithful! HAH!! Joke was on me.

This is hard to write. When I think about what I thought I had and realize it was all a lie, it still makes me cry. I had such hopes, such dreams, such love for him.

I thought I had the last good man. I really did. I was so proud of who he was... I finally felt safe and I was just too stupid to see the truth.........

I feel like a fool. A big, stupid fool for not seeing the truth. I don't think I'll ever truly, really know the full truth, and that hurts because I deserve to know it.

[iambetrayed]

CD- Your post makes me cry. I could have written every word of it myself. ((((completelydone))))

But you are making it, right? Don't you have at least some of it back? I look to you two for inspiration. I understand that you will never trust the way that you once did ... but doesn't any of it actually turn out to be true?

[completelydone]

iambetrayed said:

CD- Your post makes me cry. I could have written every word of it myself. ((((completelydone))))

But you are making it, right? Don't you have at least some of it back? I look to you two for inspiration. I understand that you will never trust the way that you once did ... but doesn't any of it actually turn out to be true?

Yes, we are starting to rebuild our marriage. For a long time I was just hanging in there to see if it would even be possible to mend. I just wasn't sure if I could ever love, respect, or trust him again. I waited to see if he was for real, or full of crap. Then the hurts have to mend, which they must help mend because they are the cause of it.

So yes, I feel hope. I feel love for him again, and not just hatred, anger, despite, disgust, etc. The trust is growing (too slowly but there's nothing I can do to speed it up). I'm not triggered as much as I use to be. I'm not as worried about him being triggered as I use to be. We do have sex now and it is usually great; sometimes I can't get over my insecurities that he has caused me about my body, but I usually can.

So, he is my lover and my friend again.
I am in love with him again.
He doesn't feel like a safe place anymore, but he's becoming a good man and husband.
I believe he would lay down his life for mine.... I hope he will be as protective of my heart and not destroy it again.
He is my buddy again.
I believe he is faithful, loyal, and true.

I can confide most things in him.
I'm proud of who he is becoming.
I don't yet admire him after all he's done.
I definately don't respect him.
We are a team.
We share similar dreams of our lives together.
I think he respects me, although I wonder.
I think he admires me and appreciates me.

This time I dang well better be every woman to him or he will be nothing to me.

Am I the luckiest woman on earth to have him? Nope. I can never feel that way after all he's put me through.

What he did to me was low down, dirty, rotten, mean. In truth, there's always this part of me (if it weren't for our kids) that wishes I never met him, because if I hadn't I wouldn't have been put through all of the agonizing pain. Ten years of my life have been wasted and painful. TEN YEARS!!!! GONE!!!! If I had things to do over again, he wouldn't have been a part of my life (except for our son). Only because of our son am I grateful in any small way that my husband came into my life. Only for him am I glad I have had this relationship with my husband. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. NO ONE deserves the pain that I have been through (that we all have) because of porn.

But, I see hope on the horizon, and for the sake of my children, I think this just might work out, and OMG we might actually have a chance to finally be happy !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Take care,
CD