To those who LEFT thier SA's, Hows life now?

[megan11]

Please do tell us. Thank you!!

[truthorlie]

No longer foggy. Clearer. When I remember certain things in the past, instead of thinking why I wasn't good enough and why didn't I try harder to be better, sexier, etc I see now that he was and still is and probably will always be sick.

I feel detached in a peaceful way. He is having a break down and I know that I (maybe) should care and its not that I don't care or feel good that he is hitting rock bottom, I just feel kind of, oh I don't know. Kinda like when you pass a car crash, you feel bad that someone may have gotten hurt, but it is a superficial feeling. Really no impact because there is no emotional investment in it anymore.

Of course, this is how I feel on the "better days" and I am sure that the pain will rear its ugly head from time to time, regularly for awhile. But the time between the painful moments stretches longer and longer each week. Less pain, less often.

Peace. Calm. Serenity.

[NGA]

Hey,

Its my 8th month in separation.

First month I feel a lot of anger, and what he was thinking still mattered. The next stage was I just stopped understanding it all. My head went crazy, I was thinking "HE DID WHAT?" and "HE SAID WHAT?", nothing made sense. Then I was angry (and still am) at myself. How could I let this get out of hand?The friends come back to you as soon as you leave, well about after one month.

Second month: I had a rebound boyfriend, were I made all the rules, for four months, and dropped him. No drama, that was to catch up on the physical part.

What can I tell you, life is normal again. I work. Career, issues like what do I want to work with, should I go into education, were do I want to spend New Years Eve, will I be to get time off to go skiing? Stuff like that fill up my head. I have barely any triggers, from first month on.

You will start making weekly and monthly plans, budgets and follow up and pull through almost each and everyone, because you decide. I feel 100% independent and it gives me a kick like from being in love. Also, the opposite sex is attracted to me, I get people courting on me, Ive noticed, but it doesn't matter that much, I don't need any reassurance at this moment. I am the hunter, I know what I want and I will get it. I don't want to be "chosen". I choose this time. Power, independence, its very sweet and you will get it for free.

for the first 6 months I have been stalking him on line, but never called him and didn't want contact with him from month NR 2.


When it comes to my hubby, we are still married, he loves me and doesn't want to divorce. He wants to repair the mistakes. I'm not angry at him now, I'm in therapy, I still love him, but I don't want to be with him. Its hard to explain. We talk one a month. As I told him, we are in an open relationship were we both date, but cannot speak of our dates with eatchother.


For me its very black and white. I still get nightmares that I am sleeping next to him and cannot wake up. Like that one time I was talking in my sleep in english to my lover, thinking he was my hubby, I woke up from it, and just froze to ice. Took me few minutes to realize Im in arms of a competent man, not an emotioanl retard. Puuuuuh, what a relief!

Hugs

Inga

[hugs4u002]

Hi Megan,

It's only been 5 weeks since I moved out and I am feeling better every day, my life is becoming about me and it feels good...to be honest I did go over and stay the night this last weekend and helped decorate the house and put up the tree. It was nice but I am not torn up about not being with him. I am able to see the b.s. and be glad that I am away from it, his life is constantly in turmoil and I like a more peaceful existence.
I had an interesting thought this weekend while there that I would like to share. My s/o would p/mb in his home office..........it always felt dark and cold to me in there, not warm or inviting. My thoughts ran along the line that if p is truly evil (I do believe it is the work of the devil) then that darkness that I feel in his room, it is creepy, it is the evil energy that he invites into his life that causes chaos in so many areas, i.e. relationships, slide in work production, health diminishes, what if that energy is so strong that it starts affecting my life? I was truly scared and glad I was out of there!!! I already starting to fill my life with other relationships that are much more fullfilling than the one way street I was living on. I haven't been interested in dating yet, I figure that will take at least 6 months to a year but I know next time will be better since I will never be blindsighted by this again! I will never date a man again that had anything to do with this awful thing they so flipantly dismiss as a 'man thing' there is nothing manly about it.......well I digressed, I am sorry. What I was trying to say is this, it will not only get better, with time you will be surprised at how good life can be and you will find your smile and your world again, promise!

[nicks]

We separated over a year ago. I don't regret that decision at all.

I miss the man that I thought I had and the life that I thought we would share. We talk on the phone once or twice a week. We get along fine .... as long as we don't try to be husband and wife.

He hasn't changed his habits and hasn't shown any interest in working on the marriage. He still says that he loves me. I can't bring myself to say I love you. I love him as a friend, but that's it.

He has been very generous. He has supported me for the last year and is buying me a house this month. He admits that our separation is all his fault and wants to make things good for me, so I can get on with my life.

I have no desire to ever be in a relationship again. I will never trust another man. It's really sad .... because I have a big heart and am a very loving, giving person. But ... that's what this addiction does to some of us.

As hard as it is .... being alone .... starting my life over .... worrying about everything .... I would not go back to the hell that my life was.

[keepmetogether]

I wasn't with my SO for very long when I found out. A few months...but I believe i cared for him deeply and I was distraught. Life is good. It has been one year. However, everytime i meet a new man I wonder if he is a closet PA...

[carissalime]

Mine has been gone since november 10th. At first i was a basket case, crying for days. Then slowly life got better. I miss the man I thought he was going to be when I married him. I miss being hugged. But I don't miss the hurt. I can't tell you how it feels to sit at this computer, MY computer, and know that there is NO p- that was accessed. I don't have hardly any triggers anymore either. I can watch tv and see a woman half naked and not have a panic attack anymore.
I miss him with all my heart, but finally I am at peace.
I pray every night for God to give me strength.

[LookingUp]

I don't know if I count but I've left 2 SAs:

(1) I left Ex1 after 5 years of marriage. His SA was porn and promiscuity; eventually he beat me because of my "old-fashioned" morals because I wouldn't screw around on him or let him watch me have sex. I believed, and still do, in monogamy. I left him when he beat me so bad I miscarried.

(2) I left Ex2 after 20 years of marriage. His PA was porn, strip bars and movies. Eventually he brought home an STD. I never made boundaries about PA because I figured "all guys do it." There wasn't much information about sexual addictions back then.

(3) I am still with my husband after 9 years of marriage. I'm learning to set boundaries; to expect and give honor and fidelity. He's finally started to make some motions towards recovery and sobriety. Although it's been hard, I'm glad I've stayed. His PA has been a catalyst for my own personal growth and I've learned to be thankful for that. I realize that my own dysfunctions were why I kept picking unwholesome men. If Mr. LU predeceases me or commits physical adultery so I leave - AND if I'd choose to get into another relationship, I don't think I'd pick a 4th PA/SA partner; I feel my ability to pick healthy people and avoid unhealthy ones is now working.

LookingUp

[megan11]

LU You ALWAYS count!!!!!! Wow, i read all of that and wonder what it is i am (expletive)ing about. I am sorry to hear all of that LU. I am just as sorry for everyone else for having to deal with this kind of life, and i am glad to see how many have improved since leaving. This thread gives those of us who consider leaving our last choice something to look forward too if we do.

[cflanders]

To those who LEFT thier SA's, Hows life now?

Wonderful!

When I look back I want to kick myself for trying so hard and staying so long - not just with one SA but two!

At the same time, I had some pretty serious codependent issues of my own that needed to be addressed. So I understand that I did my best at the time. I keep myself in check so as not to become so dependent again, yet vulnerable enough to experience interpersonal R's without huge walls.

It took me some time to learn to trust again. I'm surprised, really, that I was able to do that at all. But we all have good radar, if we pay attention to it rather than try to talk ourselves out of realilty. I have good friends who help keep me on track with this.

I'm grateful for the sh!tty experiences I had because I make better R choices now.

To wrap it up - it is FANTASTIC to have a life that does not include a partner with addictions, lies, emotional bankruptcy, blameshifting, hidden agendas or taking advantage of my vulnerability.

[completelydone]

Hello Megan,

You know, I never realized that my ex husband was a porn/sex addict until I've gone through this with my current husband. But, looking back now, that is exactly what my ex husband was. He is SUCH a pervert, liar, control freak, and cheat! (My ex I mean). I divorced him because he cheated on me with one of his old girl friends; just a couple days after we separated because he got physically violent with me. He promised to go to counseling for anger issues, but instead hopped in bed with his ex. I also suspect he was spending our tax money at strip clubs, or maybe on whores, I don't know.

Anyway, he used to want to do the weirdest things sexually, and even with my porn background I was NOT going to do, but he kept bugging me anyway. He was such a loser.
I AM SO GLAD TO BE AWAY FROM HIM! LIFE WITHOUT HIM AT FIRST WAS FULL OF GRIEF FOR WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN, BUT I WAS OVER HIM WITHIN 7 MONTHS! IT WAS LIKE BEING FREED FROM PRISON!

What I had to do was grieve and heal. He was very emotionally abusive so I had to heal my soul and learn to see myself again as I am instead of how he wanted me to perceive myself- inferior to him.

Take care,
CD

[diedre]

Wow. This thread has been very helpful to me. I gave my SO the ultimatum back at Thanksgiving. He chose the P. He found a place and is moving, but not fast enough. Even though he is still staying here I felt immediate relief when he rented a place. My self-esteem came back so quickly. I hadn't realized how angry and bitter and unhappy I had become. I am still angry and bitter and deeply resent that he would rather have P than a relationship with me. But over all, I have been pretty happy. Almost giddy.

Don't get me wrong. I have become a worse (expletive) around him. To the point I don't even like what I say. But I am just so happy he is leaving and the beautiful, successful, happy me that has started to return can come back fully. I was so sick of being inadequate, suspicious, hurt, and angry all the time.

At first I tried to give him some really loving, caring sex to think about when he is gone. Now with this sense of empowerment - he'll get exactly what he deserves - nothing. I wasted too much of my time and love on this guy as it is.

You may think by reading this that I am in the "angry stage" but this is actually nothing compared to the anger of being lied to and rejected for P.

My SO refused to give up P. And I am actually glad because it made it easier for me to leave. I am very glad he didn't promise to give it up and then lie about it down the line. That would have made it so much more difficult, I would have stuck around hoping only to waste more of my time while spiraling down into a depression.

[nina]

nicks said:

We separated over a year ago. I don't regret that decision at all.

I miss the man that I thought I had and the life that I thought we would share. We talk on the phone once or twice a week. We get along fine .... as long as we don't try to be husband and wife.

He hasn't changed his habits and hasn't shown any interest in working on the marriage. He still says that he loves me. I can't bring myself to say I love you. I love him as a friend, but that's it.

He has been very generous. He has supported me for the last year and is buying me a house this month. He admits that our separation is all his fault and wants to make things good for me, so I can get on with my life.

I have no desire to ever be in a relationship again. I will never trust another man. It's really sad .... because I have a big heart and am a very loving, giving person. But ... that's what this addiction does to some of us.

As hard as it is .... being alone .... starting my life over .... worrying about everything .... I would not go back to the hell that my life was.

when I read your post, it almost made me feel a little melancholy as your words echoed mine nearly to a 't'. but with regard to the ending of your post, I think you shouldn't ever say 'never' (as far as never trusting another guy ever again). you never know what life is gonna throw at ya and maybe...this was all meant to happen so that the man that is MEANT to be in your life will now be able to find his way to you (or you to him). as hard as it is now to feel positive about this (trust me, I KNOW, I'm going through it right now), it is truly the best thing to feel. I am currently getting to know a man that I've met about a year ago and have been friends with for all that time that is showing me that not all men are the sex-crazed perverts that I thought they were! I've gone out on 2 dates/outings with him so far and I have to say, it is a breath of fresh air being with a guy who is NORMAL and who is intelligent! and it feels soooo wonderful to sit at my computer at home and KNOW that there's no porn pop-ups or files in it! it's soooo wonderful to sleep peacefully in my bed and know that I'm no longer sleeping 6 inches away from someone who would rather mb to teen porn while I'm out of the house or sleeping than make love to me. I don't have to be concerned or wonder about his porn/mb habits anymore nor do they affect me in the horrible, intense way that they did when he used to live here.

in short....my life has NEVER been BETTER!!!! my only regret is that I did not kick him out of the house and out of my life SOONER! but, the important thing is, that I have and that everyday from here on out is going to get better and better as time goes on! chin up and don't resign yourself to a life of celibacy and loneliness just yet! you just never know what kind of life surprise could be lurking around the corner from you...

[realthing]

i've split now for around 7/8 weeks. i can't stop the same stuff going around in my head all the time - mainly how little he must have cared to choose p over me and his family. i'm so hurt and am in tears every day. i flick through periods of calm then of complete rage. i feel sometimes like i hate him and then in the calm know that i love him - maybe always will. my rational side tells me that although i will never be friends with him that i need to find a better relationship with him for all our sakes and sanity. but in the midst of it all i know that no matter what that i cannot live with the man i love when he lusts after other women. that fact is still so hard for me. i am trying to get on with life, see a future and get and stay on a good path. the effect on the view i have of myself is terrible. i know it's self obsessed and vain but when i get dressed up to look my best and look in the mirror - all i can see is what i am not i.e. the women of his p fantasies. all i can think is that all the time we were together that i was never good enough for him when i thought he loved me and fancied me - actually i was never what he really wanted sexually. and then there is the effect on the kids. they miss him and the youngest too young still to know (or for me to get the guts to tell them) that we are now separated. i honestly don't know what the future holds. at this point i think i will never be with someone else. the hurt i feel is too much to even attempt to describe but through it all i feel hope - hope that life will get better and that i will not need to deal with his p. to be with him would be to accept the p - that is somewhere where there is no hope at all.

[nicks]

Nina wrote:

>> chin up and don't resign yourself to a life of celibacy and loneliness just yet! you just never know what kind of life surprise could be lurking around the corner from you... <<

Maybe someday I'll be able to see things in a different way. I can hardly stand the sight of men right now. I know that time will probably change that.

I told my daughter the other day that this is the first time in my life that I know I can have a life without a man. I've always thought that I had to have someone in my life to be happy. It actually feels good to just be content with myself and live my life the way I want to.

I just hope that anyone here that is going through the hell of this addiction can find the strength to get out. It's just not worth it. It will take years to undo the damage that his sickness did to me. You can't fix him .... only he can do that.

nicks