Who am I ? I am nothing.

[sillyrabbit]

I am back.

I dont even have the energy to try and update everyone on my past problems with my boyfriend.

I hardly have the energy to write this post.

It has been 8 months.
I am about 95% sure he has not looked at P.
I told him, if he ever did I would leave.

I am sure he is still mb'ing. Not to P, but in the shower.
We have not have sex or done anything intimate in about 2-3 months.

I just cant.
I am still destroyed.
I am in severe depression. (please dont suggest medication, I am already quite aware of it, and that it may help... blah blah blah...)

I cant begin to imagine how he feels about no sex for this long.
I almost feel guilty because here he has not looked at P, and I am still not meeting him half way.

I honestly cant. I have so little of me left that I cant hand any over.
Being intimate with him would be way too awkward. I cant be comfortable with him.
I cant trust him.
I cant trust myself.
I hate my life.
I hate my environment.
I hate my future... I honestly dont have one.

Sometimes suicide seems so easy. (yes I know.... and no I wont do it)

I am not sure if I love him anymore. Not how I use to.
Maybe if we never had to deal with sex again we could have a successful relationship.

Not that ignoring sex makes me happy.
I am jealous with the comfort and ease men have about anything sexual.

Commercials mock me.
People talking about having sex with their partners.. or joking about sex is like a slap in my face.
Another glimpse at how messed up I have become.

My boyfriend and I watched the movie.. Superbad. I was triggered with misery..... hate and anger began to surface... disgusted to even look at him.

The reality of sex and the reality of men and sex..... is there.... hitting me as hard as a ton of bricks.

and who I am? I am just another casualty.
Maybe one day him and I will split up... and he will go on about his life with his new girlfriend.. probably back to watching P.. who knows.. maybe even with her.... and all will be fine... he will continue to live in our reality geared towards and accepting of men in our sex obsessed world.

and I... will still suffer. I will still carry the scars of my ordeal. The distrust of men.
The awkward discomfort should I get intimate with one.
The disgust and the hate.
The feelings of betrayal... the pain... the FEAR that it will happen all over again.

Lucky him.

Unlucky for me.

Who am I? I am nothing.
Just another body part.
Just another object.
Just another nagging voice.
Just another stereotype.
Just another dumb blond.
Just another prude.
Just another statistic.

I hate my life.
I hate my world.
I hate this world and all that grows in it.
I hate his silence.... his moments in thought.
I hate his eyes as they wander...
I hate his lust...
I hate the media.
I hate
I hate
I hate

I am incapable of love.

[dazednconfused]

(((((((((sillyrabbit)))))))

[megan11]

You are not incapable of love, if you were you wouldnt hate so much right now. I say this as i was the one hating last night here in the partners forum.
You feel like you are nothing because someone helped you feel that way, just because someone helped you feel that way doesnt mean that you are nothing. I have been there and done that and realized that it was all Bull$hit and i am better than the Bull$hit i was handed. I think what we need here is a post titled "to those who left" and lets see just how happy they are that they are NOT dealing and living with this anymore. I think it would benifit you and I. I will go make the post and you hang in there. You are a much better person than someone has made you feel, remember addiction goes hand and hand with LIES.
(((((((((((((((((((Big hugs to you)))))))))))))))))

[cindyandben]

I will bet that you are not a prude at all; you are clearly not a dumb blonde.

IN spite of my distress over pornography and masturbation, I am no prude, believe me! There is literally nothing that I would not TRY with my husband if it would not damage me, because I love him. However, I see that some of the stuff he wants to try is inspired by pornography, which is sad because he is a superb lover all on his own. But the camera angles that are imposed on participants in visual porn, as abnormal as they are, are very compelling, and he is, unfortunately, hooked. I am not a prude for pointing out that the contortions that porn actors put themselves through are not natural and do not contribute to female enjoyment for the most part. (of course there are exceptions to everything) Don't let him label you, and try not to label yourself that way.

I am sure that you know how worthwhile you are.

GOod luck.

[mo4wo1]

I've had those moments too. Suicide seemed like such a release.

I know better, too. Still human, though.

I was never able to say no to my H. Still can't, really. Have come close & the few times I have allowed myself to make it clear I wasn't in the mood -- too tired or ill -- and he would oblige have almost always ended in him MB-ing. And knowing that I know better -- that he will or won't regardless -- doesn't escape me or make it easier.

This is just plain hard.

The longest H & I went without s** was over a month, almost 2 months if not 2 months. Knowing now why it was like that (he was too "drained" for me & admittedly didn't miss s** with me at all) I don't think I could love him if it occurred again for the same reason.

Love does wither. But you need to love your self. Sure you heard this before, nothing new. But I don't care! I'm gonna tell ya' again, anyway.

LOVE YOURSELF FIRST, SWEET!!

JUST DO IT!

And so what if you two end & he goes of with his hypothetical new honey! So what if they get all the worldly things possible. You know the truth & that's worth more than anything... ever! And you can still find love & live a full and happy life. I get how hard that is, too. I have 4 kids, no education beyond high school, one STD (herpes) and possibly another (HPV). I still feel trapped at times but I can't imagine I wouldn't or couldn't find another person who would love me fully despite those things.

That plus my "lovely" history of my own SA doesn't make my prospects much better. I totally get hanging in there. But you let yourself speak your truth & learn from it. Love yourself even if the man you're with is incapable of it. You're still worthy.

((((sillyrabit))))

[saddkatt]

I stared at this post for a long time. I wanted to come up with some moving words of encouragement, but my mind was blank. All that rage, pain and anger turned inward turns into depression. Being involved with an addict does this to us...sucks all the joy out of life. Triggers are everywhere. Distrust and hurt are pervasive entities. Our sense of self-worth is shattered. There is emotional damage that will linger on and on.

Who am I? I am nothing.
Just another body part.
Just another object.
Just another nagging voice.
Just another stereotype.
Just another dumb blond.
Just another prude.
Just another statistic.

Sillyrabbit, this isn't you. This is his addiction poisoning you, this is you swallowing all that pain and rage and having it consume you. This is his inadequacy, not yours. You are intelligent and beautiful and I bet that you look in the mirror and can't see it.

As for medication for depression...

If we break a leg, we get the leg set and casted. Taking pain killers without fixing the injury is pointless. It may relieve our symptoms, but it doesn't fix the problem. Antidepressants are designed to relieve the symptoms, not cure the problem. You have been seriously hurt by this. Hurt. If you don't get help, it's not going to go away on its own. Please, seek out some help. There are lots of resources out there. You can get a referral from your doctor. Churches have resources, so do the local colleges.

You are not a broken thing. You are a hurt person. You don't have to exist like this.

(((sillyrabbit)))

[truthorlie]

Honey,

The ones that don't try to get better are sick. There's no doubt about it. And their sickness is a poison TO EVERYONE THAT IS IN THEIR LIFE - spouses, children, friends, neighbors, etc. It just is this way. You are hurting because you have no control if he will be one of the ones that gets better or one of those that doesn't. You WILL reach your breaking point - everyone does. And until the breaking point comes, you will go in and out of hell constantly. You will know when the breaking point comes when you are willing to leave him if he does not stop and get better. And leaving is just as hard as staying. Getting to the breaking point does not make you feel better, relieved, hopeful, peaceful or any of those things. It is simply a turning point - a jumping off platform for a new direction. The feeling better, relief, hope, peace etc. come AFTER the breaking point. And after a tremendous amount of pain.

ALL of us (and I mean every single woman on this board) has been where you are right now or we would have never joined this board - including you. Some of us have visited that place many, many times. Some are still there, others will be returning for a visit in their futures, and others have been away from that place for a long time with little chance of ever returning.

I am sure as hell knowing right now that each and every one of us would like to reach out and comfort you. Ease the pain or be able to make it disappear in an instant. In many ways, we can do some of that for you on this board. In lots of other ways, we cannot.

There is no doubt that this type of life sucks. Will you be one of the lucky ones? And I mean by that, will your H get better? But, as you read this - think to yourself - stand outside and see a different perspective - if your H got better, would YOU really be a LUCKY one (wife)?

What if.... you lost the chance to meet someone so compassionate and KIND because you were busy trying to "fix" your addicted H. Oh, trying to help someone overcome an addiction, being a supporting, loving partner to the addict while they are suffering, is noble to say the least. But at the expensive of you? Of your sanity? Of your life? Of the lives of your children?

There are no hard and fast rules that say to step back from the addict and their addiction and the poison that radiates from them means that you have to physically leave them. Or emotionally leave them. There are no rules that say you HAVE to save yourself. Or any rules that say you can't be a victim for the addict to abuse and manipulate. You can be either. But you can't be both at the same time.

As for medication. Touchy subject. Medication can be used as a maintenance when there is a deficiency of a specific need/process that cannot be corrected. Medication can be used as a temporary relief or regulator until time and circumstances are different in which you could have an easier time dealing with things more easily without the medication. But know this... medication CAN delay the natural process of grief and healing. In other words, you will suffer. You are suffering now. You may suffer for a long while or a short while. You may not have complete control over exactly how long you will suffer but you do have some control and much influence in how you suffer and how long. Taking medication is a personal decision to consider for yourself. But knowing what it can and CANNOT do for you. It cannot stop the suffering forever. It can delay the suffering but not reduce or eliminate it. Talk with a couple of experts, read online and research about the positives and negatives of taking medication for emotional reasons.

Try different things. Keep trying things. Make lists of positives about yourself - not about him, nor about you and him) and read them to yourself. Make a list of things to do: attend meetings, incorporating strength building things into your life - education, volunteering, pampering yourself (even if it means doing nothing and being lazy - although be careful about down times - they can bring you down emotionally.) I went onto craigslist and starting "dating" for friends. I started making "dates" to meet men and women for lunch or coffee. I am not ready to date romantically, but I do want to start meeting new people (lots of different people that expand my perspective of "him" and "me" and the old "us".... this is one of the most liberating things I have ever done. And it has minimized the pain of idolizing him and condemning myself ALL BECAUSE OF HIS VIEWS AND HIS BEHAVIORS. What I am finding out is HE WASN'T RIGHT!!!!!

((((( silly rabbit )))))

[completelydone]

Hi Sillyrabit,

It's been a while since I've seen you here. I'm sorry to see that you are in such a bad place. I was there once too and NO I didn't use medication to get out of it. I didn't like it being pushed at me either.

There's good reason for your depression. However, there is not good reason for your hopelessness. I know it feels like there is right now, because your boyfriend has blown you off like a sack of garbage when he used porn, but that's not what you are. You are not "nothing". You are a person, a human being with value and much to offer. So, right now you hate. So, did I. Sometimes I still do. That's alright. It's normal. You can't really expect a person to go through something as awful as this and not be deeply affected by it. Your words, so many SO's word here are proof of that. The pain is overwhelming. It's like they strip you of your very soul, of your identity and put a new title on you, "nothing". But that's not who we are. Don't accept that title, sillyrabit. Don't identify with that. There is hope for a future. Your judging your future based upon how you perceive HE has judged you. But, HE is a moron!! Why would you accept a fools judgment? He's not every man, he's not every person, he's definitely not God, and he's a retard. Only a retard blows off love and a chance of happiness with a real person for "nothing". You see, sillyrabit, the real "nothing" in this case is the porn whores. The real "loser" who has nothing going for him as a human being is your boyfriend.

So please, take another look at you, not through his eyes, but through reality. Porn is NOT reality, dear.

Take care,
CD

[zerotolerance]

We are objectifying ourselves when we give into to thoughts like those. You've caught the p culture disease and it is clouding your view of yourself, and your view of the rest of your life. Those horrid things are what some people think, and we have these bad ideas forced in our faces at every turn, but we don't have to believe it too. They are wrong, EVERY SINGLE one of them is wrong, and so are we, when we buy into ANY of it. Right now you are in the pit, but you don't have to stay there. It's not up to him, nor others, it's up to you. When you start defining yourself like you really are, all that crap goes away. Yeah we're hurt, yeah it's bad. Yeah the world is full of horrible things, and horrible people. But it is also full good things and good people. We don't have to stay victims, we can move forward into survivors, and then even thrivers.

We tend to think if they give the p, they won't mb, or that we're more upset about the p-ng, than the mb. Look at it this way, you think your not meeting him halfway, but that's backwards imo. When he was p/mb he wasn't ever there at all, while you were there 100%. We carry their loads, so it's tiring and disproportional right out of the gate. And then he gives up p, as far as you know, but it's not enough. Because it wasn't just p that he was doing, it was p/mb, it was two things but only one was addressed. Fixing half of something still leaves it broken. At best he's showing up only 50% there now, but now your less than 50% there too. And if he's mbng, he may be p-ng with the images he has stored in his head, which is not quitting png whatsoever. If so then he's still not even 50% there. So, if we show up with 20% of ourselves, then we are still showing up with more then they usually bring on their best day imo. lol!! You aren't half there, your heart broken, and soul broken, and rightfully soo. And you will find a way to get better. You have to now. You didn't choose it, he did. And your suffer the consequences. It's out of the p and in you now. Throw it out like the trash it is, and start telling yourself more postitive things, like you can do it, and you will do it, one way or another your are going to get yourself out of the pit if it's the last thing you ever do. Use the anger, use the pain, use whatever you can to stand on and you move up out of that p pit. Eradicate every single one of those negative thoughts, because they aren't your thoughts. They are his thoughts, and p culture thoughts, and stupid idiot thoughts, but that's not who you are. You aren't a fool, you were fooled. You were tricked and manipulated, but that doesn't make you a fool. It makes you a loving person who got taken advantage of. We're all decieved but none of us are stupid nor objects. Put some truth in and tell those p demons you aren't going to listen to their doo spew anymore. You are beautiful, just like God made you and me, and every single other woman. Be proud to have a full range of emotions even though sometimes they hurt. Stop letting them define you, and start defining yourself better. Their perception is skewed, so don't try to fit yourself into it whatsoever. Look for something new. I'd recommend the truth for a change. You are intellegent, you are loving, you are kind, you care about people, etc...... Don't shallow yourself down to their image only mentality. We are SOOOOO much more than THIER LIES. We just have to believe it for ourselves, inside ourselves with our own heart/mind/body and soul, then it just doesn't matter what they think anymore. The truth works, and buying into the lies just makes it worse.