I am mad at myself & this addiction my H has.

[mo4wo1]

H & I were on a date Saturday night. I had a serious brain-fart & made a gasp at a record cover I saw at the book store we were at. He asked why I gasped & without one seconds thought, I pointed to it.

[trigger] It was a pic of his preferred type of woman naked & covered in what was supposed to be whip-cream.[/trigger]

With that, H then got upset and didn't express it. He knew he should have spoken up but chose not to. He didn't. Instead, he chose to manipulate us around the movies and back to the records so he could view it again.

I caught him & it ruined our date. It ruined my weekend. And left me full of doubts all day Sunday as to why he was being so danged "understanding" and "helpful" while I was stuck in bed. (My back went out on me so I stayed in bed in pain doped up all day.)

And then last night I opened a screen that had a video I was listening to playing. The video was just a bunch of pictures someone threw together that related to words in the song. But one of the pics was a P pic & I didn't realize it. I usually just close the screen & just listen to the music.

So, here. I am mad that 2 times I have shown him P! If H slips, it will ultimately be his responsibility but I can't help but worry about the fact that I just made his struggle more diffcult... that I tempted him.

If he falls, I will feel crushed and guilty even though I know better.

I mean, and I said this to him Sat. night, I have only recently learned of just what we're dealing with (an actual addiction & not just "My H is a selfish jerk!") as of June or July 2007. So, it's not second nature to me yet for me to sensor so many thing about my behaviors. And yet it's his responsibility & his addiction, not my work to do for him. And as life is, he will see things inadvertently. P is everywhere... literally.

It's not like this is cocaine & I accidentally sat some in front of a coke addict. I mean, if I want to stay away from coke, I just do. I don't have to be careful what I watch on TV to not have coke in my home, what grocery store I go to to not have coke on the aisles & counters, what mags & sites I read to not open up to the free coke samples.

It's insane!

It's everywhere & he has to learn. But to point it out doesn't help any, even if I didn't mean to.

I hate this! I hate dealing with this (expletive)!

[completelydone]

((((((MO))))))))),

I understand what you are saying but he can either rise above this stuff or not. It's his choice.

Take care,
CD

[mo4wo1]

I know.
I know.

It's just all so hard.

Thank you & you are right.

[mo4wo1]

I wonder if I should consider this a "slip". I certainly see this as a failure in exercising good judgment. Because he did choose to go back & look at it. To be completely honest, he "glanced" at it twice. Made it easier for me to see that, that was what he was doing.

[iambetrayed]

Hey Mo -

I understand what you are saying. I feel like I censor constantly now. I am worried about what will be on TV - on billboards, etc. I am even self-conscious with my husband in public - because I now know that he was looking at real women (although mostly when I wasn't with him).

But although your gasp alerted your h to the p - you did not send him back there to look at it again. That was just wrong of him. It was not your fault at all. Frankly, I think he owes you an apology. And I don't know if you want to call it a slip or not, but I would be furious if my h cruised back around for another look. So definitely talk to him about it - of course try to stay calm, even though I would honestly probably freak out if it were me.

I remember one night we were watching something - just a sit com. And there was comical a scene where a couple was getting into bed together. The woman was wearing a nightie - I was panicked - should I turn it? Is it anything that would get to him? So I just asked him - is this making you as uncomfortable as it is making me? He said that it was, mostly because he knew that I would be wondering about it.

Heres the bottom line - They have to live in this world. And you are right, there is stuff everywhere. So until they get to a point where the slightest thing doesn't affect them like it does now - they need a strategy. Like averting their gaze. Having a plan to say a certain phrase or sing a certain song in their heads. That sort of thing. My husband told me that he has been doing this type of thing, and it sounds a bit crazy - but it is a way to distract them from danger. And thats what this stuff is - danger to them. Something that might just make your average guy want to buy the album could take your h (or mine) to a dangerous place. So I'd talk to him about if it I were you.

But definitely, definitely, don't blame yourself. If anything be glad that you were around when he may have been tempted. He'll see similar stuff eventually, so maybe seeing it with you there will discourage him from acting out when he sees it and he's alone.

[mo4wo1]

Thank you. He has appolgized & when I tell him I feel guilty, he tells me to hush, that it's not my fault. This is my struggle. maybe the guilt is a way for me to not get as mad as Ihave in the past? I dunno.

We talked tonight & he agrees this is a "slip" because he has come across stuff before by accident. Recently on at least two of his regular political reading site, of all things. Full on P. Whatthey think those little "stars" are hiding is beyond me. (You know, the stars or little ribbon they use to hide "parts"?)

The night it happened, we talked & he, all on his own & alone came up with a plan I am fully behind. I am grateful for that.

I just hate that I have a reason to worry about this kind of thing, that my H can't "handle" unexpected pics or movie scenes.

I hate that we have to live a sensored life at all. I was okay with my crap until this. I am still "doing good". I get urges & I address them, I have not acted on them.

I just feel tired some days.

[truthorlie]

His addiction is NOT your responsibility.

YOU are NOT responsible for filtering the world for him. He started this, let HIM fix it. And if he doesn't - leave him.

It is NOT your responsiblity to feel like (expletive) for feeling like (expletive) when you see something that floods you will pain for what he has done to betray you - it is HIS responsiblity to feel like (expletive) for creating this issue in the first place.