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Bad Day
Dec 11, 2007 12:05:32 GMT -5
Post by neverending on Dec 11, 2007 12:05:32 GMT -5
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Bad Day
Dec 11, 2007 12:20:53 GMT -5
Post by mo4wo1 on Dec 11, 2007 12:20:53 GMT -5
Just because you were brave enough to ask for it...
((((((((((((((((Mel)))))))))))))))))
And now I'll go read your link.
Mo
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Bad Day
Dec 11, 2007 12:32:34 GMT -5
Post by mo4wo1 on Dec 11, 2007 12:32:34 GMT -5
Oh Mel. I am sad for you.
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Bad Day
Dec 11, 2007 13:19:56 GMT -5
Post by zerotolerance on Dec 11, 2007 13:19:56 GMT -5
Humm, I read your story and well, frankly, that sooo stinks. I don't doubt there is merit and connection in your dream, but I don't think it is necc a connection to him. But rather it sounds like a connection to your intuition, and a connection to the REAL superhighway of information, the one that links us all together. Your are sending out the vibe that you want to know what's going on, and wala, your getting back the answer in vibe form. This time it came in a dream, But sometimes it comes on thought of sudden awareness, sometimes when we read anothers words, or see or hear a tv show. It's weird. But I think God is showing you that you man is not trustworthy, so that you don't trust him soo much, and keep continuing to get hurt. I know it seems like your happiness is tied up in what he chooses, and to some small degree it is, at times, but more importantly is the power within you. What he does is up to him, but that works both ways, so what you do is up to you too. It shouldn't really be dependent on what he does, or doesn't do, it should be dependent on what YOU want and don't want. I know you want things to be different, but they arent. So you have to deal with reality which is he still wants to cheat. It's not about you. It's about defect in him. It's a cycle of abuse that starts with him, and you're caught up in it BECAUSE of his choices, not yours. There's an element where they need us not to like it, while they continue to do it imo. Being objectified, we're not suppose to like it, because that's not our "assigned" role. As SO our job is not to like, while the p womens job is to like it. It's not necc a concious awareness from them, but it is definately what they perpetuate nonetheless. So what was his plan? It sounds like he's been trying to white knuckle it, but that obviously doesn't work. He needs a new plan! As far as coming here, the risk is that you loose your safe place to vent. Too often their minds twist any anti p words, so that's part of your risk too. Too often, when one doesn't really want to change, they just use our recovery tools as abuse excuses imo. But don't worry, It's going to be all right. You are stronger than you think you are, and you don't have to allow yourself to keep getting sucked back into the pits he creates. That pit is your own soul hole. And you have to stop trying to fill it up with him, and instead start growing what you need from within yourself. Instead of looking to them for the love they can't provide, we have to find ways to love ourselves enough not to settle for NO LOVE at all,or their version of fako love! Which is all he's offering you right now. Maybe someday, maybe someday, maybe someday, or maybe not evidently. But you don't need him, nor his cooperation in order to fix you. So maybe you should stop committing to him, and get more commited to YOU. I know it's hard. I know you don't know how. Just ponder the things you'd like to have in your life, and start setting about getting those things, independent of him. You need a clear mind, and a whole and connected soul. You have the ability to get those things, with or without him or his help. He don't get it. He don't hurt like you do. Everything about them is shallow, so he's view of what this does to you is shallow too. But I know it is not shallow at all for you, it's deep pain. And you know it. So go with what you know to be true. Make your decisions based on WHAT IS, not what you would have liked it to be. I know this isn't what you would think you'd prefer to do, but it is what WORKS nonetheless. Looking at the problem, for the solution, gets us a pit-dip every time. So we have to stop doing that! Your intuition is growing, that's a good thing. When you can trust it better, it won't matter near as much what he does. We learn to listen to that intuition, and not them. And when we learn to trust it, and honor it, they can't hurt us in the same way anymore. It's soo hard to accept, so we resist, but resisting doesn't work. That's like turning off a part of ourselves. Embracing the truth works. It's hard but it works. It doesn't end up looking like anything we could have imagined, but it feels far better than we ever hoped to feel again. It feels far better than anything I've ever know before. And my h hasn't changed a bit. It didn't save my marriage, but it saved something far more important imo, it saved my soul. It saved my sanity, and it saved my body, and my heart. It saved me from the horrid cycle. And you can save you too. You don't have to decide everything or anything even today. Just start looking for ways you can head in a different direction that isn't dependent on what he does but rather on what you would prefer to have in your life beside stressing over him. You self esteem is shot, so you need to do things that will lift you up. It's goning to be okay..... ((((((((neverending)))))))
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Bad Day
Dec 11, 2007 15:21:22 GMT -5
Post by neverending on Dec 11, 2007 15:21:22 GMT -5
ZT, I appreciate your words. I do, thank you for them, but as bad as it is, it really isn't that terrible. H and I do have open communication. He told me about everything. We talked for a couple of hours, and while, I hate that he keeps things from me, I also understand why he does it. He doesn't want to hurt me. I get that. He is a good man though, and for all of this and the past, I will not be leaving him any time soon. He is trying, and is worlds better than he was 4 years ago. I am not making excuses for his bad behavior, don't get me wrong, but at the same time, he is trying. I am committed to my marriage as long as he is trying. He does have a plan, his plan is weak when it comes to being alone. He was currently out of town, and there has been times when he has been out of town that he has managed himself very well. He knows he really f'ed up, he isn't trying to deny or downplay or blameshift anything. These are major improvments from just a couple of years ago. He goes to 12 step meetings twice a week and makes phone calls to accountability partners. He is working his steps (although not as much as he needs to, as he says... and he's right). This problem of his, while disheartening and discouraging, does not affect my every waking moment. I do well for myself... I do things for myself. I no longer allow this to completly absorb me. I am quite sad that he has to start all over, but am still hopeful that this time will be better... for the both of us. He is revamping his plan, rethinking his thoughts. He had me look up some books for him. He is still trying to cope with the idea of going through 12 steps without god.... a difficult task. If this happen and he did nothing, I would leave. He knows I will leave him if he throws in the towel. If he gives up on recovery, he also gives up on us. His doing this has nothing to do with me, or his lack of love for me... I know this, so it does not destroy me. I am more sad for him and the situation than I am for me in all of this. He wants so badly for this to stop... as much, if not more than I do. He hurts too. He hates himself, he hates that it makes me sad and angry, he hates how it affects us. Trust is an issue, but only with this. Maybe that is something to stress over, but I do not search for crap on the computer, because I Know it's not there. I do not look through his phone or wallet or car or anything because I know I won't find anything. I don't think about it because there are somethings that I just trust. I trust that he loves me without a doubt. I trust that he would jump in front of a bullet or a bus for me without a second thought. I trust that there is no one in the world that he would rather be with. I know these things. I know that when he doesn't tell me things it is because he doesn't want to hurt me, it's not because he isn't being honest at all, because he tells his group, and he tells his accountability partners. It isn't like he is living in total darkness about this stuff. When it comes to self esteem, well, H didn't destory that. I didn't have much to begin with, and in reality I think it is better now than it was before. I do not compare myself with p chicks. I do not worry about him looking at other women on the street. I hate that he looks at p because it replaces our intimacy. It destroys our sex life together and his ability to be close to be in any way. It has made the entire issue twisted and uncomfortable and weird. So again, ZT, while I do appreciate what you've had to say and I thank you for you support, a lot of what you've had to say just doesn't apply to my situation... as sometimes things here do not apply. I am glad that you are free of your ex and his problems, but that is not what I want for myself. I am happy to stay with my f'ed up H. Because for all his problems there is so much more good than bad and he improves everyday. I had a momentary laspe this morning. I am easily depressed. I feel okay about it now, not great, but okay. He will start fresh and have more boundaries, and we will be okay. I will be okay because his problems are not mine. I can not and will not allow his problems to be mine. Thank you both for being there for me when I needed it most. Mel
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Bad Day
Dec 11, 2007 15:46:58 GMT -5
Post by mo4wo1 on Dec 11, 2007 15:46:58 GMT -5
Neverending,
You're welcome.
Glad you are doing better.
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Bad Day
Dec 11, 2007 16:05:43 GMT -5
Post by zerotolerance on Dec 11, 2007 16:05:43 GMT -5
I didn't give up in a day or a week or a month, nor for years either. And my h never really "seriously" sought recovery so that's a HUGE difference. Plus all two people, and our situations vary. The rub is that we don't know, what we don't know, yet. So just be very, very, careful, because I spent years thinking a lot just like your describing. And even when I thought it wasn't affecting me, when I thought I was handling it, when I knew it wasn't me, and when I thought he was trying hard, etc..., that wasn't really what was happening at all. We don't get to decide how these thing will affect us, nor how it will all play out. If he's playing with fire, in any way, shape, or form, you're both bound to get burnt imo.
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