having a rough couple of days...

[kello2005]

I've been having a really rough time these past few days.
It all started when I went to meet a friend to do some early Christmas shopping. While on the subway I just realized my SO's world (he takes the subway/bus to work which is where his main source of women to objectify comes from) Realizing his world was scary. A group of young pretty girls sat across from me and I couldn't help but wonder what my SO would be thinking. I almost started crying. It just made me realize. If you'd asked me 3 months ago if my SO was the type to look back at girls, picture himself having s3x with girls on the subway, I would have told you that was crazy, not who he is. But it is who he is.

Intellectually I want to stand by his side and work with him through this. But for the past few days I have felt so numb.

I've been doing the workshop on recoverynation and I know that there are things I have to do to help him, if I'm going to stand by him, I might as well help and not hinder his recovery. I know I need to reduce the amount of highly emotional conversations because these lead to an increase in negative feelings which in turn leads to an increase in his need to reduce those negative feelings in the only way he knows how to at this point - with fantasy.
I'm finding it so hard to be positive with him. The other night when I was feeling good about everything I told him all the ways that his recovery has been helping me - just how it's nice to not wake up and find out he downloaded 5 P movies the night before - and he told me that it really made him feel good and gave him more confidence that his changes are making me feel good.

But then one subway ride and I'm just reeling for days.

I just feel so numb and depressed. Can't even get a smile on my face ladies. So sad. Argh.

[completelydone]

I know I need to reduce the amount of highly emotional conversations because these lead to an increase in negative feelings which in turn leads to an increase in his need to reduce those negative feelings in the only way he knows how to at this point - with fantasy.

No hon, that's fear. That's the opposite of what you need to do. If you don't tell him how this affects you, how is he to know? If you don't express what's going on inside of you, you are repressing it which leads to depression, and possible addictions of your own. You can not heal what you won't deal with. If you swallow all of this, because you are afraid you will drive him to act out (you cannot drive him, he drives himself), you will harm yourself and your relationship's future. I can't be adamant enough about this. COMMUNICATION, including how you feel (even when it's not pretty to say or hear) is what can heal you both; NOT repressing and non-communication.

He has to own his behaviors. YOU CANNOT! YOU CANNOT MAKE HIM DO ANYTHING! HE NEEDS TO HEAR WHAT HE'S DONE TO YOU WHETHER HE LIKES IT OR NOT! IF HE DOESN'T HE CAN CONTINUE ON IN HIS DENIAL OF HOW AWFUL THIS ALL IS, AND MINIMIZE IT AS INSIGNIFICANT MALE BEHAVIOR.

Sorry to be so forceful with this info but I don't want to see you in a downward spiral.

Take care,
CD

[megan11]

kello, you are not alone with how his S#IT travels with you everywhere. I know that i can be standing on line in ther grocery store and if there is a skinny cute girl in front of me, i get mad thinking how my H would just love to sink his eyes into her.
CD is right, he needs to know how what HE HAS DONE effects your daily life. And no we cant cause them to a/o they drive themselves there whenever they want, if they want too. We are not the cause or what stops them. I firmly believe that.
I hope you day is a tad bit better this evening. ((((Kello)))

[Clean2day]

Kello

I believe you have said someplace what you want from him is honesty. At least it keeps comeing up on this board. Now for him to be honest, you have to show him what "honesty is."

CD and Megan have both given you great advice. No you don't have to start out screaming "you hurt me....." But if you want honest communication then you must show honest communication. What you are saying is what I and a lot of PA's have said and the reason we lied. "I didn't want to hurt her, so I told her....."

I hope this makes since. You both have taken the first step to being what should be. Now please don't step back. {{{Hugs}}}

C2d

[kello2005]

Thanks ladies...definitely feeling better after the weekend. Me and my SO had some really good talks and overall I think we made some individual and couple progress, so I'm pleased.

I sat down with him and we had a rational discussion about my feelings and he actually interacted in the conversation and gave info without me having to ask. He did his workshops all weekend (which is where he used to skip) and actually included me by asking me to explain what the workshop was getting at which led to some really great conversations.

So for right now I remain confident in my "wait and see" decision.