On the Verge Of Hating Him ...

[iambetrayed]

I just said what is probably the worst thing that I have ever said to my husband in the 23 years that we have been together. His therapist had asked him to write down a list of his ten biggest problems. We had talked about earlier (rationally). But we have been having a really bad couple of days. I am in a really bad place. Anyway, as he was leaving for his therapy appointment I said - Why don't you tell him that your biggest problem is that your wife is on the verge of hating you?

I feel pretty bad about saying that. But I also feel sort of like that, and wish that I felt worse about it. I am terribly angry at him these days. I feel a little crazy. It isn't really based on anything new.

We are 10 weeks out from d-day. He has remained p/mb free this whole time. He is sorry. He is changing. We were doing really well . We were talking every day. He has forced himself to be honest about everything. I have forced myself to see this as a deep problem. We have been physically intimate a lot and it felt real and made me feel better.

I can't figure out why, exactly, but these past few days something has changed. Its not him, its me. I am p*ss*d about what he did to me. I am so angry at him for making me go through all of this. I am angry at him for pretending with me all of those years. I am angry that he he has been looking around at women all of these years. I am angry with myself for not knowing. I am angry that he looked at beautiful, younger, thin women. I am angry that I have never been beautiful or thin. I am angry that what I thought was never real. I am angry that I wasn't given any choices in this. I am angry that I was so stupid. I am even angry at myself for being so understanding and loving for these past weeks. Oh yeah, and he did porn, too.

Thats how I feel - the real people that he checked out, the ones I know, those he fantasized about eat me alive more than the porn. I am so, so, so , mad at him. And at myself.

Whats happening to me? Am I going crazy? Where is the love that I have always felt for him? It scares me to feel this way. What if I really do start hating him? What if I lose everything that I ever had ... what if I stop wanting to try. I am just so depressed. And there is no where else to go where anyone could possibly understand how I am feeling.

[Disillusioned]

Why don't you tell him that your biggest problem is that your wife is on the verge of hating you?

I've hated Charlie. Yes. It still means there's still so much emotion and some times it comes out as hate and sometimes as love.

I found that MY biggest problem was when the hate for him stopped. And I was just dead inside. Not caring anymore was worse.

[hurtandlonely]

So true.

The opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy.

disillusioned2 said:

Why don't you tell him that your biggest problem is that your wife is on the verge of hating you?

I've hated Charlie. Yes. It still means there's still so much emotion and some times it comes out as hate and sometimes as love.

I found that MY biggest problem was when the hate for him stopped. And I was just dead inside. Not caring anymore was worse.

[LookingUp]

Since it's only been ten weeks - could you be coming out the emotional numbness or void and finally feeling the anger? I've often thought of SO recovery as often following the Kubler Ross grief model - we're grieving our loss of their faithfulness, our trust they were our knight in shining armour and our happy ever after. I remember when I came out of the numbness and the anger was almost rage --- how DARE he do this to me.... at least I was feeling again and not numb - but I rather liked the comfort of numbness.....

[zerotolerance]

I've been there too. Rough spot for sure. There is a right amount of anger, and hate, that should be in this. P it's hateful, hateful, hateful stuff. Their attitude towards women is hateful. Objectification is hateful. This isn't really your hate you are seeing even though it is inside of you and might feel like. This is hate for the awareness of the truth because it hurts sooo much. I hated the truth for a long time. I fought accepting it, and that sounds like what you are doing. It's easier to hate it, than to handle it though. Plus everything about it is SUPERsized in you mind right now. Some of it is settling in to the right places but some of it is just fragments of confusion still floating around in you. You are in a triggered state imo. So learn to recognize when it hits you, and then try not to take any action until the worse waves pass. Try not to speak, try not to let your mind run amok. Sometimes I just lay down and try to rest it away. Also Try to grab hold of one of the fragmented thoughts in the mix and then resolve that one. Do it over and over, one at a time, until all the fragments are gone. You are feeling stacked pain, years of emotional abuse, and trauma. Give yourself a break, don't add to the mix, by beating yourself up more. You didn't know then what you know now, and now you will it do it differently. This anger shall pass. It doesn't ever go away completely. We should be mad at this crap, it's UNBELIEVABLE. But it changes into something more managable with time and effort. And you'll get new skills that will help you control it better too. It's gonna to be okay, one way or another. Bank on YOU, you can do it. How's the quote go...I think it's by Gloria Steiniem..... "The truth will set you free, but first, it will really piss you off" So consider yourself well on your way to freedom. This is just another stage.

[completelydone]

I can't figure out why, exactly, but these past few days something has changed. Its not him, its me. I am p*ss*d about what he did to me. I am so angry at him for making me go through all of this. I am angry at him for pretending with me all of those years. I am angry that he he has been looking around at women all of these years. I am angry with myself for not knowing. I am angry that he looked at beautiful, younger, thin women. I am angry that I have never been beautiful or thin. I am angry that what I thought was never real. I am angry that I wasn't given any choices in this. I am angry that I was so stupid. I am even angry at myself for being so understanding and loving for these past weeks. Oh yeah, and he did porn, too.

I am betrayed,

You are going through something that is SOOOO normal. It's called the anger stage of grief. Yes, we all go through it. Some of us allow ourselves to use it as a tool to help us. Some of us try to stuff it because "good girls" don't act this way; feel this way, etc. Don't stuff it or you'll end up severely depressed.

Find ways to express it. Tell him you're angry. Tell him what you just told us. It's OK to do that. If you weren't angry over what he has done to you, I would think you would need your head examined. Have him sit down and without holding back the way you feel, what he has done to you, how this has all effected you............. tell him straight forward. Get it all out there, and do it more than once if you have to. You might want to have a counselor help you do that if you think your husband will not respond well to this without a counselor's prodding and explaining that this is a necessary and helpful step in recovery for you, AND for him. Men understand anger. When they squash their other feelings, they get anger. It would be good for him to hear what he has done to you; to know that he had no right to treat you like that; to hear how deeply he has effected you.

P.S. My counselor offered to sit my husband down and make him listen to what he did to me, but I told her I didn't need her to do that because I expressed it to him all the time as it was. My husband was truly remorseful and repentant so he took what was coming to him, the consequences upon us, and my anger, and tried to comfort me or give me my space when needed. He did NOT retaliate, because he knew he deserved and needed to hear what I was saying to him. THEY NEED TO HEAR IT, SO THEY CAN'T MINIMIZE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!! They need to get it. If they aren't willing to listen to what they've done to you and apologize and make it up to you, they aren't truly remorseful IMO.

Take care,
CD

[iambetrayed]

Since it's only been ten weeks - could you be coming out the emotional numbness or void and finally feeling the anger?

LU - That is exactly what it feels like. I was feeling so needy and scared before. Now I am feeling like - its all about me, baby - do what I want or hit the road. Its liberating in a way, but scary, too.

My counselor offered to sit my husband down and make him listen to what he did to me, but I told her I didn't need her to do that because I expressed it to him all the time as it was. My husband was truly remorseful and repentant so he took what was coming to him, the consequences upon us, and my anger, and tried to comfort me or give me my space when needed. He did NOT retaliate, because he knew he deserved and needed to hear what I was saying to him. THEY NEED TO HEAR IT, SO THEY CAN'T MINIMIZE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!! They need to get it. If they aren't willing to listen to what they've done to you and apologize and make it up to you, they aren't truly remorseful IMO.

CD- Its funny that you put it all this way. I did tell him everything - in fact the night before my outburst was a long one. I do tell him everything that I am feeling - and yes, he "takes it" and is very remorseful. I know how sorry he is. We had another long talk last night - and actually more than a talk we were very intimate in every way - he keeps apologizing over and over and tells me that he will spend the rest of his life making this up to me. I have to say that it was pretty meaningful to me. I know that he is sincere, I just need to hear him say it over and over again.

And I actually feel better today - I still have the edge of the anger, but we have laughed some today and spent time with our kids doing Christmas stuff and being a family. My husband keeps staring at me from wherever he is - trying to catch my eye. And then, even in public, he'll walk by and whisper in my ear - I am so, so sorry. Or that he loves me. I know that I am very very lucky to have him reacting this way. Maybe that is why I feel secure enough to express so much anger.

So I guess it is ups and downs with this. I am just mad that I am in this situation at all, you know?

[AmazingGrace]

When I chose my user-name, I was in a very forgiving place. I always feel like a bit of a liar when I'm in my angry phases.

You've received a lot of wisdom from the "elders" here. I've just read over the post I've just written, and I've realized it's a bit of a highjack. But hey, I spent the time to write it, so I'll just "trigger" it and if you feel like reading it, you can.

[trigger]For me, the thing that has been really useful in being able to look at my husband with balanced vision (because I hate how I feel when I hate him) is to pretty consistently thank him for the good stuff. For his financial responsibility, for what he does as a dad. It can get overwhelming for some men to constantly face negativity, especially when they're making an honest effort to leave the past behind. That's my personal challenge--because my anger does come back in waves.

I did finally have to explain to my husband that although he has felt like he's moved beyond the addiction, there are YEARS of this that I'm grieving. If I could "fairly" be angry for an hour for every hour he spent porning--well, I've got a lot of hours left. And he's actually fortunate--because there's no way I'm ever going to be angry for as many hours as he porned.

However, my husband is NOT great at "taking" my negativity. As much as I feel like he "deserves" my fury at times, there are times I just have to take my venting somewhere else--such as here or to my counselor. Yes, he did something awful. Yes, I may have every "right" to get angry at him. But he's also human, and humans can only take so much punishment before they get very discouraged.

So yes, we often have angry phases; but I'm always grateful to get back to Grace.[/trigger]