Post by mo4wo1 on Dec 7, 2007 8:51:57 GMT -5
Especially you, Zerotolerance. Your words saw me through.
First, after my H revealed more things to me & then left for his therapy session last night, I almost punched the mirror in our bathroom. It scared me. My arm just swung out. But I stopped myself. Then, I just said, "(expletive) it!" to my self & decided to go out last night. If he can do this, why can't I... right?
But before that I sat down & decided to read for a sec. And as I read your next response to me, Zerotolerance, I just cried & changed my mind. Your word brought me back to reality.
All I can say is thank you. I may not have walked out that front door after all. But I may have. And Had I not read those words of your's, I probably would have. You helped me. I want to climb out of this pit & I would love for my H to be beside while I do it. But if he can't yet or won't, I can't let that stop me from climbing. At the least, I can give him something to reach for. At most, I can find my peace & real joy outside of this pit of pain.
I appreciate you sharing your faith. I see that. My pride is still too big to accept things. Or maybe I'm just on a different path. But having been raised to know the Pentecostal Faith, I got the references & they did touch my soul. I believe am donning my armor slowly but surely. And my breast plate of righteousness, I am wearing it for sure & sound protection. Because, I am rightfully angry & hurt. Knowing this... I am allowing myself to be right & feel it, rightfully, Righteously.
I want peace but I know I am not at peace yet. far from it. If it came to me now, I don't think I'd be ready for it. But when & if I find it, I pray I will appreciate it.
These thoughts came to me before I read your words about "righteousness". While talking t my H last night, I remembered Elfie's words -- that beautiful green witch -- about this. Our anger is right & appropriate... righteous anger. Then To have said it to my H & also read your words here, last night... I believe G*d answered my prayer & was helping me, there.
My H's "new" confession were just as you described, zerotolerance. More than I knew was there but not as big as I feared. They're not small one, IMO. But they're there. And I was able to "hear" them this time and think clearly through them, albeit thinking with an angry heart.
My H said his therapist asked if he thought we might want to do couple's therapy again. This felt good because I was actually thinking to ask for it again. Even though it came from his therapist first, it still felt good to have him ask for it this time. it came from him. It will likely be another month or two before we can begin it. And if we make it through all of this, I will be thankful. But I do look forward to going this time. I feel in my heart he will do his best to be honest, there. He likes his therapist & I like her too.
I hope... I hope...
Thank you again. And thank you everyone else. You have all been a blessing to this furthered more humble woman. I am in a world of confusion & unsureness, right now. But knowing I have you people, you wonderful people who have shown me more patience & understanding & caring & trust, you wonderful people who have "known" me for far less time than my partner of more-than 13 years... knowing I have you all, here, helps my soul & gives me hope in that love can live on this plane and understanding & truth Is right.
Thank you, all.
Heather
First, after my H revealed more things to me & then left for his therapy session last night, I almost punched the mirror in our bathroom. It scared me. My arm just swung out. But I stopped myself. Then, I just said, "(expletive) it!" to my self & decided to go out last night. If he can do this, why can't I... right?
But before that I sat down & decided to read for a sec. And as I read your next response to me, Zerotolerance, I just cried & changed my mind. Your word brought me back to reality.
All I can say is thank you. I may not have walked out that front door after all. But I may have. And Had I not read those words of your's, I probably would have. You helped me. I want to climb out of this pit & I would love for my H to be beside while I do it. But if he can't yet or won't, I can't let that stop me from climbing. At the least, I can give him something to reach for. At most, I can find my peace & real joy outside of this pit of pain.
I appreciate you sharing your faith. I see that. My pride is still too big to accept things. Or maybe I'm just on a different path. But having been raised to know the Pentecostal Faith, I got the references & they did touch my soul. I believe am donning my armor slowly but surely. And my breast plate of righteousness, I am wearing it for sure & sound protection. Because, I am rightfully angry & hurt. Knowing this... I am allowing myself to be right & feel it, rightfully, Righteously.
I want peace but I know I am not at peace yet. far from it. If it came to me now, I don't think I'd be ready for it. But when & if I find it, I pray I will appreciate it.
These thoughts came to me before I read your words about "righteousness". While talking t my H last night, I remembered Elfie's words -- that beautiful green witch -- about this. Our anger is right & appropriate... righteous anger. Then To have said it to my H & also read your words here, last night... I believe G*d answered my prayer & was helping me, there.
My H's "new" confession were just as you described, zerotolerance. More than I knew was there but not as big as I feared. They're not small one, IMO. But they're there. And I was able to "hear" them this time and think clearly through them, albeit thinking with an angry heart.
My H said his therapist asked if he thought we might want to do couple's therapy again. This felt good because I was actually thinking to ask for it again. Even though it came from his therapist first, it still felt good to have him ask for it this time. it came from him. It will likely be another month or two before we can begin it. And if we make it through all of this, I will be thankful. But I do look forward to going this time. I feel in my heart he will do his best to be honest, there. He likes his therapist & I like her too.
I hope... I hope...
Thank you again. And thank you everyone else. You have all been a blessing to this furthered more humble woman. I am in a world of confusion & unsureness, right now. But knowing I have you people, you wonderful people who have shown me more patience & understanding & caring & trust, you wonderful people who have "known" me for far less time than my partner of more-than 13 years... knowing I have you all, here, helps my soul & gives me hope in that love can live on this plane and understanding & truth Is right.
Thank you, all.
Heather