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Post by imparanoid on Dec 7, 2007 5:09:38 GMT -5
Well, I finally plucked up the courage to talk to him about the P last night.
It didn't start well because he got angry with me very quickly for beating around the bush. So, I got straight to the point and I told him I thought he had a problem. All he kept saying was, "Fine, I'll delete it all if its that important to you!" - The thing is, thats not it. The thing thats important to me is for him to stop surfing for it so much and doing it as soon as I leave the house in the mornings. Its really hurtful and I told him that. (I have barely driven to the end of the road some mornings)
I asked him why he does it and thats when he really lost it. He refused to answer me and then tried to make me feel bad for ruining what was a perfectly happy evening. - How dare he!!!
He actually said he did not want to talk about it at all and that I annoyed him because I was being so rational and calm. - I didn't want to raise my voice because I thought that would make things worse. I told him I was amazed by his reaction and that I had never seen him react to anything in this way before. His answer to that was "because I keep going on and on about it" He is normally so laid back about things and we rarely raise our voice at each other. - I almost couldn't believe my eyes when he was ranting about it. After reading some of the story's here it was so similar it scared me a bit.
I refuse to let this bring me down, after last night, I genuinely believe he has a problem with this but I really feel its impossible to talk to him about it.
We went to bed with an atmosphere and went to work without hardly talking. - Talk about bury your head in the sand!!
I really don't know what to do now, One minute I think I should just try to accept this, (I always used to when I thought it was occasional, like I said the other day, I used to think it was cool that he checked it out, cause thats what real guys do) the other I feel sick of the thought of him spending so much time doing it. Googling specific girls and researching them is just too much as far as I'm concerned!
I know there won't be anyone here who can really help but it helps in a way just to get it down.
Thanks for listening.
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Post by LookingUp on Dec 7, 2007 5:57:09 GMT -5
It didn't start well because he got angry with me very quickly for beating around the bush. So, I got straight to the point and I told him I thought he had a problem. All he kept saying was, "Fine, I'll delete it all if its that important to you!" - The thing is, thats not it. The thing thats important to me is for him to stop surfing for it so much and doing it as soon as I leave the house in the mornings. Its really hurtful and I told him that. (I have barely driven to the end of the road some mornings) ANger is a very normal reaction to confrontation. They know they're cheating on us - and they really don't like that pointed out. They like to think of themselves as good guys who porn - not porn addicts who occasionally act like a good guy. When we point out the dichotomy - it scares them because they know it's true. Chances are he may never know why he does it. Even guys who've been sober for years may never know why. Of course he doesn't want to talk about it. If he can get you to ignore it, then he can have his addiction and his wife. The thought of giving up their brain-chemical high from p/mb is terrifying to them. They can't imagine living life without their addiction. Plus, most PAs have a lot of shame at their behavior. It's not uncommon for an addict to not be able to handle a rational discussion. They are too paranoid of giving up their substance, plus they have too much denial to think logically. About the only way I could get through to my husband that his addiction was destroying our marriage was to make boundaries to keep me safe. That's not an uncommon response. I felt that way about ex-2; then his addiction escalated and he brought home an std. That's the problem with addictions - they can escalate. Reading the PA side, you'll see men who've lost their jobs, their wives, their families - all because they continued to let their addiction drag them around. I agree, not much we can do but read, validate and encourage you. Glad you feel better having written it down. LookingUp |
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Post by imparanoid on Dec 7, 2007 6:32:19 GMT -5
Thank you so much lookingup for taking the time to reply. It's a really nice feeling to know that someone has listened and can give up a couple of minutes of their day to give some encouragement.
I have been thinking about his reactions more and more this morning and it just makes me feel so sad. - I love him so much and can't even imagine not being with him.
All your comments are so right, I know the answers as soon as I read them but my brain feels so cloudy at the moment. - I feel like its taking over my life.
Not really sure what the next step should be now??? - Burying heads in the sand seems to make for a good weekend.
If only the Internet didn't exist!
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Post by LookingUp on Dec 7, 2007 7:01:12 GMT -5
I did a lot of sand-sucking while my head was there, too.
We all progress at our own speed to know what to do next. When the time's right, you'll know what your next step will be and what you have to do to take that step and that you're strong enough to do it. His addiction didn't happen overnight, it didn't become a problem for you overnight - so don't feel you have to fix it overnight.
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Post by trying2understand on Dec 7, 2007 7:21:06 GMT -5
Hello Imparinoid.. Reading your post you sound just like me. My DH and I never fought (until this) raise our voices or do hurtful things to each other. I was devastated when I found all the P on his computer. I had no idea how to bring it up since I snooped too see how bad it was and it was getting bad. I cried and torched myself until I got up enough courage to talk to him and like you it did not go well the 1st time. I remember him being so angry the first time I brought it up he even called me a sneaky B-itch. He was so angry and didn't want to talk. Well now I know since he told me.. it was because he was embarressed and was angry with himself to have hurt me the way he did. His first response was to be defensive. Which is natural. Once you get over the hugh hurdle of bringing up the P again this will get better.
We talked a second time and he promised he would stop and erased all the P on his computer.I believed him. But for the next couple of years he has broken my trust and made promises again. We finally are at a stage where we are both comfortable enough to talk about it and he has admitted that he does have a problem and he/we are trying to fix/help.
Its important to keep the communication lines open. My H and I have agreed to have one night designated to be able to discuss the P issue. This way I do not have to find a way to start the dreaded topic and He will not feel everytime I want to talk its gonna be about the P problem. I love my H dearly and I also can not imagine my life with out him. Take the P out of the equation and to me its a perfect marriage. I wish it did not take us this long to get here but I'm glad we both are ready to tackle this P problem.
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Post by kazzie on Dec 7, 2007 9:48:37 GMT -5
Hi Imparanoid
I know it makes for an easier life to ignore it or even put up with it, but please believe me you do not have to, you are worth more than that, you are a very worthwhile and important person, you deserve to have happiness and we all deserve our husbands to be faithful to us in every sense of the word, it is not asking too much, I do not ask anymore of my husband than what he gets from me, which is loyalty and faithfullness on the highest scale, I have never looked at another man, it is not his right to look at other women in the lustful way, and I will keep fighting it, I most certainly will, I cannot accept it, I never will accept it, hopefully one day he will hear me and understand me, when that day is going to be I don't know, but it will be worth waiting for, keep strong, you don't like it, you don't have to accept it.
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Post by mo4wo1 on Dec 7, 2007 10:39:28 GMT -5
(((((imparanoid)))))
And you're not paranoid! You're aware.
((((hugs))))
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Post by completelydone on Dec 8, 2007 9:38:39 GMT -5
Tell him he's ruining what could be a happy relationship, if he'd quit looking for other women. If I were you, I'd tell him that if he doesn't stop and listen to what this is doing to you, and would do to anyone who cared for him, that you will have no choice but to move on. Tell him you need someone who loves and respects you, not someone who willing cheats on you and breaks your heart and doesn't care.
Take care,
CD
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Post by laboheme on Dec 10, 2007 8:49:34 GMT -5
I know how you feel iamparanoid! Every time I have ever brought up PA to my SO, very similar things happen. I have a similar story. Please do try and sort it out with him as soon as you can as the longer it carries on, the more you will seem to be paranoid, the harder you will find it to talk to him, and the more you will distance yourself from him....not a pretty picture, I know!
Lots of other people have similar stories, and some solutions so they are def worth a look...
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Post by zerotolerance on Dec 10, 2007 22:10:59 GMT -5
He don't know why he does it, so he can't answer your questions. He probably thinks it's a "need", and his body is conditioned to ask for it regularly imo. Based on his reaction it sounds like he has it pretty bad. So don't look at the problem(him) for the solution, nor for the answers you seek. He can't answer deep questions. p/mb makes em shallow. Soooo Shallow on so many levels. He obviously doesn't get it or he wouldn't be making p/mb important enough to him cause a problem to begin with.
It sounds like you just witnessed his emotional attachment to p/mb. That is emotion which, when properly used, would have this situation playing out in reverse. That is emotion attachment to p, (not to mention the time, energy, and his sexuality) which he should be putting into you and your relationship, but instead he is investing it p/mb at the expense of everything else that is really important. He's in p/mb fantasy land. You tried to take his p away and he had a temper tantrum just like babies do when they have to give up the bottle or don't get their way. His perception is skewed, and it his addict self or true self, or alternate personality, or his view thru his p/mb filters perceives everything as a threat, and twists everything so as to avoid having to give it up, or even so much as think about it. So of course, "he doesn't want to talk about it".
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Post by liss2402 on Dec 11, 2007 0:20:18 GMT -5
I have spent years with my head in the sand over my h's p use. I think i rationalised it b/c my h was so good with everything else; when he wasn't p*ing he was the best man one could ask for. Unfortunately, i think you reach a point where the cost TO YOU if he continues to p begins to outweigh the benefits of sticking your head in the sand. That is, when his p*ing begins to detract from those good qualities more and more it becomes far more difficult to keep your head in the sand as there is less and less benefit from doing so. THAT is when i drew my line in the sand - anymore p and he was gone. I told him i didn't know how far away i was from hating p more than i loved him, but that i knew i wasn't very far from that point. that seemed to be the wake up call he needed. I don't know if that's a common situation, but i do know that is what has happened to me anyway  . I can't really offer any advice on your situation, just the confirmation that there are many out there who have been in your similar situation; h & i have spent many days & nights not speaking b/c of my apparent lack of understanding of his right, as a man, to view other women naked  . Good Luck, I hope he can see the light of day. liss |
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