Post by LookingUp on Dec 6, 2007 20:13:19 GMT -5
Here's some things I've discovered that were keeping me locked into the dysfunctional cycle in my marriage. He shows a bit of improvement, so I'd think things were on the upswing and have lots of hope for the future - then I'd let down my boundaries, have unrealistic expectations and I'd get blindsided with reality.
Here's some of the things I've noticed:
(1) One of the main ones for me was I didn't know the difference between intensity and intimacy. Although intensity (flattery, playfulness, drama, innuendos, etc) feels good to my emotions; it's not the intimate stuff that can build deep love and respect. I also gave intensity instead of intimacy and am learning to open myself emotionally more to my husband and state my truth lovingly. He'd give lots of intensity, so I figured he was really working to heal the marriage and understood how devestated I was by his addiction. As soon as I calmed down - he'd stop the intensity and I'd feel bereft of his companionship.
(2) I thought it was his job to keep me happy and my job to keep him happy. I am learning to keep myself happy and joyful in Christ - then the joy and love of Christ can spill over into our marriage and bless us both with His joy, love and happiness. When I tried to keep him happy, it was often manipulative; however, with God's love pouring through me and into him and our marriage - there's no manipulation. It is not my job to make him happy but it's not my job to make him miserable, either!
(3) A healthy man wouldn't have went out on a second date with me. I found my identity in him, and he in me, and not in my relationship with God. I'm learning to know who I am in Christ; rather than expecting my husband to figure out who I am and then telling me.
(4) Sex reassured me I was desirabile and provided proof that My husband cared about me; thus we made love for me to feel ego bolstered rather than for us to show our love commitment to each other.
(5) I didn't allow sufficient time between relationships to heal so went into the next relationship with hurts and needy areas.
(6) I didn't practice honesty under the guide of "not hurting his feelings" but have learned to state my truth in love and trust God to help him deal with any emotions associated with my truth. That does not mean I don't use discretion in what to speak of - many things just need to be forgiven without words or he'd probably see me as carping on him most days. I'm learning to forgive the little stuff, speak my truth in love about the medium things; and confront about the big things. I think I'm getting better about cataloging things as small, medium or large! I use to make mountains out of molehills and molehills out of mountains.
(7) I no longer feel I need to scheme to get my needs met. I'm learning to state my needs and discovering if he's willing to meet them or not.. then not reacting poorly if he's not willing. Except for sex - I can get my other needs met in other ways and from other people.
(8) I expected my happiness to come from a role - rather than to come internally and from God. That put a lot of responsibility on my husband and a lot of frustration on me.
(9) There was a neediness in myself that I hadn't learned to fill or to let God fill. I'm learning to let God fill it and, when willing, let my husband do some filling. I'm also learning to ask if he has needs he'd like me to meet or to listen if he speaks of his needs without feeling guilty or defective because I didn't read his mind.
(10) I had a warped view of God as mean, unloving and legalistic; I had to memorize scriptures to renew my mind to the truth of who God is. I also keep a list of dozens of his Hebrew names with English translations to refresh my mind to his holy, good and compassionate character. With a warped view of God, it was difficult, if not impossible to believe He would/could help me.
(11) I didn't know how to bond because I'd never experienced that... that is still my most problematic area.
(12) I didn't know what a healthy marriage looked like (my dad died when I was young); all three husbands were somewhat like my Uncle who I loved and often lived with him, his wife and daughters; but, in hindsight, I think he was a sex addict and modeled very inappropriate behavior. Recognizing I don't have a model of healthy marriage, frees me from repeating mistakes of my uncle and aunt... and frees me from unrealistic expectations that my husband doesn't want to meet.
(13) I delude myself that our dreams would fit together. A lot of the things I thought we'd have as part of our coupleship probably won't happen. He misprojected and/or I misinterpreted during our courtship.
(14) I was ashamed of having needs so didn't let him see my needs but let him think I was a strong person. Now I can state my needs and he can accept me as a person with needs and I can accept him with a person who probably has needs but isn't yet ready to speak his truth very often.
(15) I'd sacrifice the truth to maintain the "in love" feelings; I'd find excuses for his behavior so I could maintain those romantic feelings; even though I was compromising my morals and needs. I'm learning to speak my truth and realize that is part of love. This is still very hard for me; I crave those "in love" feelings and it's a battle to speak my truth when I know he may withhold his loving feelings from me because of what I speak. But I'm learning to be true to me - and recognize I can't control his response to my truth.
(16) I use to argue about surface things and never speak the deeper truth - like what emotions are underneath and what's really hurting. I now realize when I want to blast him about something surface and minor (like beating me at a game of Yahtzee; or leaving his sock on the kitchen floor when carrying laundry downstairs); then I need to look deeper inside and realize what's really going on rather then fighting about something silly. Often, I'm feeling prideful; some times I just haven't stated my truth, etc.
(17) I felt powerful when I caused him emotional pain - rather than feeling powerful by stating my truth in love. That one was easy for me to change after last Jan when God showed me how ugly that behavior was after I'd ruded on my husband for his porning the month before. He may have broken his vow to forsake all others; but I'd broke my vow to honor him.
(18) I couldn't tolerate ambuigity, paradox and unanswered questions. - Joyce Meyer has an excellent tape on that and now I handle it better but still struggle with not knowing everything or having stuff not make sense. I am learning to handle it because I know the One who knows all things - and God will let me know if I need to know it.
(19) I talk/think about the emotions I had yesterday, my emotional hopes for tomorrow, but seldom talk about what's going on inside now. I'm learning to stay in the present but it's a challenge yet to speak of current emotions. I don't yet trust myself to not splat on others when emotions are running high.
(20) I make excuses or rationalize his poor behavior rather than speaking my truth in love. Rather then rationalizing his behavior with "Well, men just think differently." I'm learning to speak my truth by using a formula my counselor gave me: "I feel <emotion> when you do/say <behavior>."
(21) I'd pay attention to his words over behavior; now I'm learning his behavior is what to observe - does it line up with his words and, if not, then communicate if we've miscommunicated; and if not, then renegotiate or make a boundary (if it's sin that affects me).
(22) I got a chemical, codependent high by being righteous when I'd judge my husband as wrong, stupid, or a jerk. That was a hard one to start breaking but I'm learning. I'd rather have peace and honesty then the self-righteous high. I'm finding my identity in who I am because of Christ and not by how I compare with others - so I don't need to judge but let Christ judge. How well I'm not feeling "better than him" can be a barometer for me to how well I'm abiding in the vine (John 14).
(23) I put more energy into the relationship then he did (according to my counselor); so he didn't have to do hardly anything for the emotional/social/spiritual aspects of the relationship because I was doing it all - and he was doing most of the chores (his choice since he's picky). I've started doing more chores or we're doing them together. I've found detaching very helpful - and after months of loving him but not doing all the emotional/social/spiritual work, he's finally started to come up to batt (at least, I think he has - but it may be the cycle and I'm maintaining awareness of that possibility).
(24) We're each entitled to our own opinion. That was a hard one because of #22 - I thought I had to be right.
(25) Anything besides "yes" means "no" - if he says he'll think about it or get back with me, then he's saying no until he chooses to tell me yes. This has helped me to have more realistic expectations so I don't misinterpret what he really said in my hopes his reply means an eventual yes - since that is what I want to hear.
LookingUp
Here's some of the things I've noticed:
(1) One of the main ones for me was I didn't know the difference between intensity and intimacy. Although intensity (flattery, playfulness, drama, innuendos, etc) feels good to my emotions; it's not the intimate stuff that can build deep love and respect. I also gave intensity instead of intimacy and am learning to open myself emotionally more to my husband and state my truth lovingly. He'd give lots of intensity, so I figured he was really working to heal the marriage and understood how devestated I was by his addiction. As soon as I calmed down - he'd stop the intensity and I'd feel bereft of his companionship.
(2) I thought it was his job to keep me happy and my job to keep him happy. I am learning to keep myself happy and joyful in Christ - then the joy and love of Christ can spill over into our marriage and bless us both with His joy, love and happiness. When I tried to keep him happy, it was often manipulative; however, with God's love pouring through me and into him and our marriage - there's no manipulation. It is not my job to make him happy but it's not my job to make him miserable, either!
(3) A healthy man wouldn't have went out on a second date with me. I found my identity in him, and he in me, and not in my relationship with God. I'm learning to know who I am in Christ; rather than expecting my husband to figure out who I am and then telling me.
(4) Sex reassured me I was desirabile and provided proof that My husband cared about me; thus we made love for me to feel ego bolstered rather than for us to show our love commitment to each other.
(5) I didn't allow sufficient time between relationships to heal so went into the next relationship with hurts and needy areas.
(6) I didn't practice honesty under the guide of "not hurting his feelings" but have learned to state my truth in love and trust God to help him deal with any emotions associated with my truth. That does not mean I don't use discretion in what to speak of - many things just need to be forgiven without words or he'd probably see me as carping on him most days. I'm learning to forgive the little stuff, speak my truth in love about the medium things; and confront about the big things. I think I'm getting better about cataloging things as small, medium or large! I use to make mountains out of molehills and molehills out of mountains.
(7) I no longer feel I need to scheme to get my needs met. I'm learning to state my needs and discovering if he's willing to meet them or not.. then not reacting poorly if he's not willing. Except for sex - I can get my other needs met in other ways and from other people.
(8) I expected my happiness to come from a role - rather than to come internally and from God. That put a lot of responsibility on my husband and a lot of frustration on me.
(9) There was a neediness in myself that I hadn't learned to fill or to let God fill. I'm learning to let God fill it and, when willing, let my husband do some filling. I'm also learning to ask if he has needs he'd like me to meet or to listen if he speaks of his needs without feeling guilty or defective because I didn't read his mind.
(10) I had a warped view of God as mean, unloving and legalistic; I had to memorize scriptures to renew my mind to the truth of who God is. I also keep a list of dozens of his Hebrew names with English translations to refresh my mind to his holy, good and compassionate character. With a warped view of God, it was difficult, if not impossible to believe He would/could help me.
(11) I didn't know how to bond because I'd never experienced that... that is still my most problematic area.
(12) I didn't know what a healthy marriage looked like (my dad died when I was young); all three husbands were somewhat like my Uncle who I loved and often lived with him, his wife and daughters; but, in hindsight, I think he was a sex addict and modeled very inappropriate behavior. Recognizing I don't have a model of healthy marriage, frees me from repeating mistakes of my uncle and aunt... and frees me from unrealistic expectations that my husband doesn't want to meet.
(13) I delude myself that our dreams would fit together. A lot of the things I thought we'd have as part of our coupleship probably won't happen. He misprojected and/or I misinterpreted during our courtship.
(14) I was ashamed of having needs so didn't let him see my needs but let him think I was a strong person. Now I can state my needs and he can accept me as a person with needs and I can accept him with a person who probably has needs but isn't yet ready to speak his truth very often.
(15) I'd sacrifice the truth to maintain the "in love" feelings; I'd find excuses for his behavior so I could maintain those romantic feelings; even though I was compromising my morals and needs. I'm learning to speak my truth and realize that is part of love. This is still very hard for me; I crave those "in love" feelings and it's a battle to speak my truth when I know he may withhold his loving feelings from me because of what I speak. But I'm learning to be true to me - and recognize I can't control his response to my truth.
(16) I use to argue about surface things and never speak the deeper truth - like what emotions are underneath and what's really hurting. I now realize when I want to blast him about something surface and minor (like beating me at a game of Yahtzee; or leaving his sock on the kitchen floor when carrying laundry downstairs); then I need to look deeper inside and realize what's really going on rather then fighting about something silly. Often, I'm feeling prideful; some times I just haven't stated my truth, etc.
(17) I felt powerful when I caused him emotional pain - rather than feeling powerful by stating my truth in love. That one was easy for me to change after last Jan when God showed me how ugly that behavior was after I'd ruded on my husband for his porning the month before. He may have broken his vow to forsake all others; but I'd broke my vow to honor him.
(18) I couldn't tolerate ambuigity, paradox and unanswered questions. - Joyce Meyer has an excellent tape on that and now I handle it better but still struggle with not knowing everything or having stuff not make sense. I am learning to handle it because I know the One who knows all things - and God will let me know if I need to know it.
(19) I talk/think about the emotions I had yesterday, my emotional hopes for tomorrow, but seldom talk about what's going on inside now. I'm learning to stay in the present but it's a challenge yet to speak of current emotions. I don't yet trust myself to not splat on others when emotions are running high.
(20) I make excuses or rationalize his poor behavior rather than speaking my truth in love. Rather then rationalizing his behavior with "Well, men just think differently." I'm learning to speak my truth by using a formula my counselor gave me: "I feel <emotion> when you do/say <behavior>."
(21) I'd pay attention to his words over behavior; now I'm learning his behavior is what to observe - does it line up with his words and, if not, then communicate if we've miscommunicated; and if not, then renegotiate or make a boundary (if it's sin that affects me).
(22) I got a chemical, codependent high by being righteous when I'd judge my husband as wrong, stupid, or a jerk. That was a hard one to start breaking but I'm learning. I'd rather have peace and honesty then the self-righteous high. I'm finding my identity in who I am because of Christ and not by how I compare with others - so I don't need to judge but let Christ judge. How well I'm not feeling "better than him" can be a barometer for me to how well I'm abiding in the vine (John 14).
(23) I put more energy into the relationship then he did (according to my counselor); so he didn't have to do hardly anything for the emotional/social/spiritual aspects of the relationship because I was doing it all - and he was doing most of the chores (his choice since he's picky). I've started doing more chores or we're doing them together. I've found detaching very helpful - and after months of loving him but not doing all the emotional/social/spiritual work, he's finally started to come up to batt (at least, I think he has - but it may be the cycle and I'm maintaining awareness of that possibility).
(24) We're each entitled to our own opinion. That was a hard one because of #22 - I thought I had to be right.
(25) Anything besides "yes" means "no" - if he says he'll think about it or get back with me, then he's saying no until he chooses to tell me yes. This has helped me to have more realistic expectations so I don't misinterpret what he really said in my hopes his reply means an eventual yes - since that is what I want to hear.
LookingUp
I don't sleep around any more, but you just held up a mirror to me that I need to examine. Thank you.