Driving myself crazy

[dazednconfused]

broonessa.. I was going to write a long post but the baby is crying.. so the short answer is yes, I went through questioning everything for about 3 weeks. maybe four... and my husband told me he had an addiction without any "prior" issues, like gawking at people. The first 6 weeks of recovery is hell. You can make it through. It is a time of really learning to trust yourself. You said in a post your "guts" are usually right... trust those... I find when I am in doubt, I reflect (not obsess) on what my gut is telling me for a couple of days... if it doesn't let up, it probably is something.
I'll check in more, but NO, you are not going crazy, YES, it feels like hell and YES it does pass, but not quickly (unfortunately)
peace

[iambetrayed]

(((((broonessa))))) You are so new at it - and YES we all felt that way. It is hard not to question everything. And frankly, at this point, you don't know yet if it is wise to believe what he is saying he is doing.

We are 10 weeks out from d-day - I will say that the worry and questioning about what he is doing every minute have subsided. That happens when you see true and deep signs of remorse, sorrrow and determination to change. For several weeks I was really uncomfortable being in public with him, after learning that he's been secretly glancing at women for years. But even that feels better now - I've watched him, he has been true to his word and he isn't doing it anymore. So as time goes by you will feel better about whether or not he is where he says he will be doing what he says he will be doing - as he proves it to you it does get better.

But this is a long, hard, journey that you have been forced into. Even after 10 weeks my days are filled with this - the hurt is still intense. I have a new habit these past couple of days - I am just downright p*ss*d at him for evrything that he did. So I think it goes in stages.

What you are feeling is completely normal - of course you are going to question him. You'd be crazy not to!

[megan11]

11 months after, i still question him and wonder what he is doing in the bathroom while pooing and showering, or while at work. There is nothing wrong with you, it is normal for what we have been through. Not nice, or right, but normal.

[walkingblind]

Hello. My husband is p & mb free for about 19 days now. I feel exactly like you do. This is so hard for me too. I don't trust my husband and I constantly check up on him. I read his emails, his journal, everything. It's despicable, really. I hate that I do it. I hate that this addiction has turned me into a paranoid, mistrusting JERK. I mean, reading his journal? Who does that? Sheesh. Especially when I KNOW how much pain it will cause me, knowing of his struggles and how he gets so turned on by the thoughts of other women, etc. I knew of his p addiction, but I didn't realize that he is preoccupied with sexual thoughts all the time. That disturbs me! It makes me think he is one of those creepy guys that oogles women. It's so gross. Makes me just so paranoid that he is thinking of others when we have sex. I just can't put the thought out of my mind.

I can tell that he really has changed. I feel us moving closer emotionally, and he has a GENUINE desire to change and for his benefit, not for mine. He is reading lots of books on sexual addictions and is journaling and belongs to recoverynation too. I know he is doing all the right things, but I am still paranoid. I hate what this addiction has done to me.
I want to go through and read all the journals and posts on this site, but I just get too overwhelmed with pain and grief. So many of us are going through the same experiences. I can't decide if it's comforting or makes me feel worse.

Take care and stay strong.

[mo4wo1]

After being with my H for over 13 years & 2-plus years after his first of now 40 confessions, oh heck yeah! I am still so unsure & full of questions. For me, I am hopeful this questioning will ease up once I am certain in my heart know it all. Otherwise, I will have to leave him. I cannot live anymore years of this not know & waiting for the next confession.

*sidenote: oh jezze... just realized it is more than 40. man.

But if my H suddenly dressed different, nicer, than usual, oh heck yeah I would question it. That's perfectly logical. I get your point about the weather but last I heard cologne doesn't keep a body warm.

What I have seen, learned & come to believe about my H is he is a logical man. He's a very logical person. He was educated in a logical field & works in it. he applied "sound logic" to the reasons for his behaviors through this addiction. It's the behaviors that aren't logical, aren't truly logical at all.

best wishes,
Mo

[lyssalanai]

Three years after d-day #1, almost two full years of recovery under our belts, and I still flipped out when he was going to take his hair gel (he only gels his hair when we go somewhere REALLY nice) out to sea with him because he was pulling into Floriday for a liberty port. Who, exactly, did he need to impress in Florida, I asked? I dropped it, let it go, and he actually didn't take the hair gel. I guess he figured if it bothered me, it wasn't important. The mistrust and second guessing are the hardest things to get past, I think.


Modified to add: Oh. Another thing: sometimes, when I'm down, I'll put on my favorite (expensive and imported) perfume. It makes me smile when I smell it, and then I feel a little better. Not that that's why he wore it, but it could be. I'm very scent-oriented, so different perfumes/colognes bring back very vivid memories to me. My husband's cologne reminds me of him. Two of my perfumes I solely own because they were ones my mother wore and remind me of childhood memories. One, called 1000, by Jean Patou, brings back a very distinct memory from when I was about 2 years old. He *could* have wore it for him, or he *could* have even wore it for you. Simplest thing to do is, non-confrontationally, in more of a conversational style, ask him. Trust your intuition: if he lies, you'll know.

[completelydone]

We all feel like we're going crazy in the beggining. This takes a lot of time and communication to heal you both.

Take care,
CD