Post by iambetrayed on Dec 5, 2007 10:42:52 GMT -5
So I came to a very sad realization last night. You see, the one thing that I have had trouble understanding as I learn more and more about pa is the part where these men aren't supposed to form true bonds and have intimate relationships.
While there are so many, many things that that just scream to me about this - the early porn use, childhood sexual trauma, secrecy, compartmentalization, inability to see the actions for what they are, use as a stress reliever, and on and on - I have felt , all along that we had always had a very intimate relationship.
He has always, always been there for me. he was kind and a good listener, he was my rock. I always felt loved. We talked things through for hours.
Yet last night, we were discussing everything that we are always discussing now, and we started talking about the past 7 months or so, when his p use had seriously escalated. He told me that he had begun to feel, for the first time, that the p was controlling him, rather than that he could control it. He pointed out that obviously he could control it since he stopped the minute I found out, but that he really did not feel that he could. I was questioning him about why he thought this was - and he said something like - well, you know, I was in a very bad place over the summer. I was feeling so hopeless and depressed.
My heart just fell because although I knew that he was having some depression, I really had no idea of the extent of it. I am not talking about the p, just the extent of his hopelessness. It was like a lightbulb went off in my head - ah, I thought, he didn't come to me, he didn't tell me anything about what he was feeling, I guess we really weren't intimate. It just makes me so, so sad. I am not saying that any of this was my fault, but I do feel like I wasn't there for him - like I wasn't a comfort to him. I am heartbroken.
Now last summer was rough for us, financially and otherwise, so I could maybe accept that we had just drifted during that time. But thinking back several years, there was a period of time in our life when I felt like we had it all - we had good jobs, we spent lots of time together, I really, really thought that we were happy. I thought that he was happy. I know that I was. We had trouble conceiving a child and finally became mysteriously pregnant during that time. I honestly thought it might have been because things were going so well for us then. But I realize now, that behind my back, that whole period up until when I became pregnant, was wrought with p use and more - strip clubs, lap dances, adult bookstores. So if this was his emotional soothing mechanism, as I am coming to see it as - what was he soothng from? Our life was good, our problems were minimal. He says that although he was happy, he was never happy with himself. I know that is true - but once again, we did not actually have the intimate relationship that I thought we had. I do remember him expressing his feelings to me a lot back then. I guess that is why I thought that we were very close. But again, I was not his comfort. I was not his peace.
This is just so hard for me to internalize. I mean the way I see it, this has to be one of two ways - either he just wanted other women, or all of this coping mechanism stuff is true. It is really looking like the coping mechanism thing to me. Which is definitely good fror my self-esteem and jealousy issues. But how could we have been in a relationship where my comfort and strength was him - and his comfort and strength was porn?
I just don't get it. I mean if he had been distant to me, if he had been mean or absent , if he had been strange sexually or unkind -then I could see it. But he wasn't. He was sweet, and present, and very loving. So I am left feeling like I somehow let him down. I wanted to be his emotional support. He says that I always was, but then he says he used p/mb to control his emotions. Its just so sad.
I do feel like we are intimate emotionally now. He has cried more in the past 10 weeks than he ever did in the previous 20 years. In fact I remember only a couple of times that he choked up over the years - but now it is all out soul-wrenching sobbing. I know that he is remorseful, I know that he loves me. But how do I adjust my thinking to realize that the intimate relationship that I always thought we had was very one-sided, that unbeknownest to me I wasn't there for him the way he was for me? And is there any hope to reach that level of intimacy with him?
While there are so many, many things that that just scream to me about this - the early porn use, childhood sexual trauma, secrecy, compartmentalization, inability to see the actions for what they are, use as a stress reliever, and on and on - I have felt , all along that we had always had a very intimate relationship.
He has always, always been there for me. he was kind and a good listener, he was my rock. I always felt loved. We talked things through for hours.
Yet last night, we were discussing everything that we are always discussing now, and we started talking about the past 7 months or so, when his p use had seriously escalated. He told me that he had begun to feel, for the first time, that the p was controlling him, rather than that he could control it. He pointed out that obviously he could control it since he stopped the minute I found out, but that he really did not feel that he could. I was questioning him about why he thought this was - and he said something like - well, you know, I was in a very bad place over the summer. I was feeling so hopeless and depressed.
My heart just fell because although I knew that he was having some depression, I really had no idea of the extent of it. I am not talking about the p, just the extent of his hopelessness. It was like a lightbulb went off in my head - ah, I thought, he didn't come to me, he didn't tell me anything about what he was feeling, I guess we really weren't intimate. It just makes me so, so sad. I am not saying that any of this was my fault, but I do feel like I wasn't there for him - like I wasn't a comfort to him. I am heartbroken.
Now last summer was rough for us, financially and otherwise, so I could maybe accept that we had just drifted during that time. But thinking back several years, there was a period of time in our life when I felt like we had it all - we had good jobs, we spent lots of time together, I really, really thought that we were happy. I thought that he was happy. I know that I was. We had trouble conceiving a child and finally became mysteriously pregnant during that time. I honestly thought it might have been because things were going so well for us then. But I realize now, that behind my back, that whole period up until when I became pregnant, was wrought with p use and more - strip clubs, lap dances, adult bookstores. So if this was his emotional soothing mechanism, as I am coming to see it as - what was he soothng from? Our life was good, our problems were minimal. He says that although he was happy, he was never happy with himself. I know that is true - but once again, we did not actually have the intimate relationship that I thought we had. I do remember him expressing his feelings to me a lot back then. I guess that is why I thought that we were very close. But again, I was not his comfort. I was not his peace.
This is just so hard for me to internalize. I mean the way I see it, this has to be one of two ways - either he just wanted other women, or all of this coping mechanism stuff is true. It is really looking like the coping mechanism thing to me. Which is definitely good fror my self-esteem and jealousy issues. But how could we have been in a relationship where my comfort and strength was him - and his comfort and strength was porn?
I just don't get it. I mean if he had been distant to me, if he had been mean or absent , if he had been strange sexually or unkind -then I could see it. But he wasn't. He was sweet, and present, and very loving. So I am left feeling like I somehow let him down. I wanted to be his emotional support. He says that I always was, but then he says he used p/mb to control his emotions. Its just so sad.
I do feel like we are intimate emotionally now. He has cried more in the past 10 weeks than he ever did in the previous 20 years. In fact I remember only a couple of times that he choked up over the years - but now it is all out soul-wrenching sobbing. I know that he is remorseful, I know that he loves me. But how do I adjust my thinking to realize that the intimate relationship that I always thought we had was very one-sided, that unbeknownest to me I wasn't there for him the way he was for me? And is there any hope to reach that level of intimacy with him?
