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Post by justme123 on Dec 4, 2007 18:30:09 GMT -5
I have been struggling with my Husband and his Addiction for 8 years, in the beginning we simply got him to "release" to suppress the addiction. I Had sex no matter what, or helped him release in other ways, no matter how bad it hurt...
Now years later he is in counseling, and I am constantly wondering what to do sexually. Like this week, I know he has slipped up and viewed P. and at the same time he is wanting to have sex 1-2 times a day.... I don't usually mind having sex, but I fear that he is just finding a way to channel that addiction instead of facing it and finding a solution.... How do We (women) figure out how and when to have sex? when it is helping and when it is hindering their recovery??
I feel very hopeless at this point, and then I found this site,.. I could have written many of the entries....
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iambetrayed
Full Member
So afraid to love you, more afraid to lose, Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose ...
Posts: 153
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Post by iambetrayed on Dec 4, 2007 19:59:40 GMT -5
Well, you are supposed to only do it when you feel like it, when it provides the kind of connection that you want, and when it makes you feel good (and certainly not when it makes you feel bad).
The trouble is that it doesn't always work that way. I know that women have many motivations for having s3x with their pa. I don't know that it does help or hinder their recovery. Although I must admit that early on I thought it was a good idea to keep my husband in a constant state of being 'spent', so to speak, thinking he'd have no energy for p.
So I think that the best suggestion is to be true to yourself. You do need to have boundaries in place - think about exactly what makes you comfortable/uncomfortable, and let him know where you stand on things. I haven't been in this exact situation, but I do feel for you. (((justme)))
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Post by LookingUp on Dec 4, 2007 21:10:23 GMT -5
I have been struggling with my Husband and his Addiction for 8 years, in the beginning we simply got him to "release" to suppress the addiction. I Had sex no matter what, or helped him release in other ways, no matter how bad it hurt... Please remember that PA/MB addiction is not about sex. Those behaviors release a brain chemical, similar to heroin. They get addicted to the chemical. Their sex organs may be used - but it's not about sex - it's about getting high so they can handle stress or other emotions and avoid reality. That's why many SOs have had mind-blowing sex with our PA and an hour later find them viewing porn. What has the counselor recommended? Many SA therapists recommend a couple months abstinence - no porn, no sex, no mb, no fantasy - that helps the man recognize the difference between his want-a-fix desire and his want to connect with his wife in having sex. It also resets his sexual libido to what's normal. It also gives his body a chance to go through withdrawal so the brain chemicals will lower and normalize. It also gives you a chance to heal without the pressure of having to perform sexually. What are your boundaries and consequences when he chooses to betray you by visual adultery? I have sex because I love my man, because he is connecting to me on an intimate emotional level and I want to share our bodies with him. I have a boundary (linked at the bottom) that if he treats me like a blow-up doll that I can leave the bedroom. I am not an object for him to mb into. I deserve the dignity of being treated as a respectable, loved partner. As Dr. Phil says - we teach people how to treat us. Maybe you need a few counseling sessions together to discuss your part of his recovery. I remember feeling that relief when I found this site. Finally, I wasn't alone any more in my pain and fear. LookingUp |
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Post by megan11 on Dec 4, 2007 21:43:26 GMT -5
I am in a crappy place myself right now, my only advice to you is that if you feel he is using you, dont let him. How is that fair to you? You are not a toy to be used then tossed aside. I think you need a set of boundaries in place for yourself and you should start taking care of yourself instead of worrying about what he needs, when he needs it. Going that way will not benifit either of you in the long or short run. I have many of us have dropped the dirty dishes with wet hands to try to keep our PA's away from P. Its sad but that doesnt work because an hour later, like LookingUp said...
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Post by liss2402 on Dec 4, 2007 22:04:20 GMT -5
I'm afraid i don't have any answers for you there; i am also struggling with that.
When I first, 4 years ago, demanded he stop, i was his substitute for p.
This time around, I refuse to be; this addition has nothing to do with sex, and everything to do with the chemical release into the brain an orgasm creates.
The only time i currently am intimate with my h is when i feel he is being completely open and honest with me. When he seems to be actually with me all the time, not just in the hr before bed.
In other words, sex is currently on my terms only - when i feel like it and when i think it's for increased intimacy, not just a quick orgasm.
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kello2005
Full Member
When someone shows you their true colours, believe them. - Maya Angelou
Posts: 134
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Post by kello2005 on Dec 5, 2007 10:24:00 GMT -5
My SO admitted that regardless of whether we had s3x or not, he'd go home after and use P...so really, I was wasting my time trying to "wear him out". Now, I just don't have the feelings with the exception of maybe once a week. If we start and I'm not into it...he can tell and then it stops. Pretty much, I'll only be intimate with him when I really really want to. And usually that's when I can see that he is putting forth his best effort...otherwise I've actually told him to stay away from me in that way.
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Post by completelydone on Dec 8, 2007 9:45:29 GMT -5
Ultimatums are the best support you give. Why do I say this, because it is within their power to stop, but if they feel they can keep you and continue to slip, because you are sooo supportive and understanding, they will keep "slipping".
Take care,
CD
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