I'm 22 y/o and am the SO of a p addict

[sbtorn]

Where to start?

I started to read this forum in hopes of finding a solution/ getting the support I need for this difficult time that I am going through. However, all of the forums seemed to be from married women in their 30's. (No offense whatsoever!) I would greatly appreciate anyone who has dealt with this around my age range. All other replies are still greatly appreciated!

Both my boyfriend and I are 22 years old. We have been dating for approximately 2 1/2 years and have been living together for 2 years.

I found out about my SO p habits soon after he moved in. At first it surprised me, but then I developed the mentality that "all guys look at p."

I have caught my SO mb to P several times now. I have confronted and expressed dislike for this on several occasions.

Sex for us use to be multiple times a day. Slowly it has dwindled down to every other week. This is the result of him telling me the following:

"Sex with you is like a chore."
"I don't love you the way I use to."
"I don't want to have sex with you."
"All men are programmed to be polygamists. It's either I look at porn or I have an affair with someone else."

All of those words stab me every day. I begin to tear up whenever I think about all the great times we've had together. I feel as if my self-confidence in the bedroom has been dwindled down to nothing.

To give my SO credit, he is an incredible guy and takes very good care of me.

The reason why I am posting on this forum is because a couple of days a go I came home during his lunch break. I wanted to "surprise" him and spend some time with him while I should have been at work. Low and behold, I come home, lights are off, and he's looking at p with his pants off. I couldn't say anything. I just left and went back to work.

On my drive back to work, I couldn't help but cry. I felt like I had come home to him in bed with someone else. Sad to say, on my way home to "surprise" my SO, I couldn't help but worry if I would catch him in bed with someone else.

To my knowledge, he has never cheated on me.

We discussed my frustration the day after. He asked if it would help if he went to counseling or to church for his "addiction." I had never thought of it as addiction until he said it. I told him that even if he did seek help, I still don't know if would be able to believe that he has stopped looking at p.

To top it off, the day after we had our discussion, I came home from running errands with the door locked. When I opened the door I could tell that he had just closed his browser and his pants were unzipped.

What should I do? Should I have him seek counseling? Does he really have an addiction? Money is extremely tight so we do not have money for counseling. Neither one of us belong to a church so I do not believe that would be a resource.

My greatest fear? Realizing that I am no longer in love with him and having to move on. Am I being co-dependent? Possibly. Am I willing to try to make this work? I want to say yes. But I constantly question that answer.

[iambetrayed]

Hi Sweetie -

Hugs to you. Yes, there are younger women on the forum, too. This problem knows no age boundaries, unfortunately. I wish I could say that I am one of the younger ones, but I'm not - I fall into the 30s and married catagory that you described. Keep posting, and you will run across some women closer to your age. In the meantime, know that we are all here for you, no matter what our age, and that we all understand you.

The hurt and upsetment that you are feeling are completely normal. It is devastating to be in a relationship with a man and find out that he is doing this. It is one of the worst things that many of us have gone through.

The first thing I have to tell you is that nothing you did made your SO look at porn. In fact , it is more likely that the porn "made him" make mean statements like the ones that you wrote in your post. There is no excuse for him saying such horrible things to you.

What he has probably done is started thinking differently, due to porn use. Sex with you is a chore because ... well, you are a living, breathing, woman with needs. The porn girls just lie there and love whatever is done to them. And it is way easier (albeit way more selfish) for a man to mb than to be with a real woman. Guys who have compulsions towards porn are seeking instant gratification. And that is very easy to get while watching p - there are absolutely no expectations for him - he just watches and gets the O. If you are around he has to actually think and feel in order to get that. So it is not your fault. It is his fault that he has allowed porn to influence him in this way.

We can not tell you whether or not he is addicted. You are a better judge of that. Now if you hang around here for any length of time you will start to see patterns of "addiction" and in view of those my opinion would be that he very well may have a problem. If porn is changing your relationship, if it is being viewed compulsively and secretly, then there is a problem. I think you probably realized that the day you came home for lunch. It really is not normal for someone to be sitting around without their pants in the middle of the day, watching p. That scenario just screams problem, you know?

I think that what you were saying is that your SO referred to himself as possible having an addiction. If he did say that, then chances are that he does. They are very, very hesitant to admit that there is a problem. If he is admitting it that is a good first step.

So where do you go from here? The first thing to consider is that you don't have to make any major decisions right away. You don't have to stay or leave just yet. You have time to think through your options, and the power of whether to continue your relationship is entirely in your hands.

There will be women here who will tell you that considering your age, the fact that you have only been together 2 1/2 years, and the facts that you are not marrieed and don't have children leave you free to cut your losses and run - they will tell you to just get out. They are speaking from a voice of experience, they do not see why any woman would willingly put herself through this - it only gets harder once you are married and there are children involved. And that is certainly an option. You are young and this is a very, very difficult situation to be in if you don't "have to". So that is certainly one angle to consider.

But it is your decision, and you may want to stay with him. I will tell you just a bit of my story. My h has been doing porn since childhood. We got married young, and he came to me and confessed, when I was 22 or 23 that he had been going to adult bookstores to mb. He swore he would never do it again. But he was doing it for many years (about 17) behind my back. I only found out a couple of months ago. I wish so desperately that I would have understood back them what was really going on, but the internet wasn't around yet and I had no way of knowing. What I am trying to tell you is that you can not believe him. That is not to say that it isn't possible for him to get help and stop. It is just to say that he is probably not going to just stop on his own. Don't let yourself believe that he will. My husband stopped off and on over all of those years, he always hated what he was doing, but until now he didn't recognize the magnitude of it. It is very,very rare that they will just stop on their own (permanently), so don't allow yourself to fall for that.

It would be best if he saw a counselor. There is also a great resource (for both of you) online. It is free - it is called Recovery Nation and it offers workshops for both of you to work through this. Go there and go to the Partners page to read - there is information there that will help you to see this more clearly. If your SO is willing and wants to change this there is a workshop for him there, too. It will help him to re-examine his values and make better decisions.

But the bottom line is that he has to want to change. He is very young, and he may not be at a point yet where he is able to see what the p is stealing from him. There is help if he wants it, but he has to really, really want it.

And finally - the definition of normal in a relationship varies - what is right and normal to one person may not be for another. Obviously, if you are here, you see his p use as a problem. So no matter what he or anyone else says, it is a problem - because that is how you see it. You get to decide what you are comfortable with and what you are not comfortable with. This is your relationship, too - and his p use is your businesss and your problem.

So first you need to figure out if he wants to change this, and how much of the process you are willing to stick around for. But take your time. You don't have to decide today. Keep researching and your best option will come clear to you. And remember that you are not alone, there are many women here who understand you and will talk you through whatever you are dealing with.

[P]

I was 22 about 22 years ago when I got married and started my life with my husband and p0rn.

For 15 years we battled mostly because I had no one to talk to about this. I struggles alone and ashamed. When board like this came around they were filled with married women who told me I was being silly, selfish and insecure. I bought that for a while and tried desparately to change.

Finally I grew my self esteem and realized that I didn't have to have porn in my marriage. I didn't have to sacrifise my values and self worth because I was afraid of losing my man. By then we had kids and it was harder and harder to make those decisions.
By then he had done a lot of stupid relationship destroying stuff.

My husband is porn free now and has been for quite some time; however, there was a lot of damage done.

I guess my advice would be to get yourself healthy. Find out what your true values and self worth is. Then evaluate your situation. I am glad now I stayed because my husband healed. He may not have. Not all do.

Is your boyfriend marriage material? Do you want him for the father of your children if he continues to be found with his pants down?

I think being 22 with so much support in this area now, you are very lucky. You two can fix this by the fact that there is so much info and support for it now because it is such a huge problem do to the internet. Then your relationship may be stronger and better.

[kello2005]

Hey, I'm 25 and I've been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years, so I'm more around your age group. Fortunately though, we don't live together.
I thought we were going to get engaged and have this great life but then it became more and more apparent as time when by that there were major problems. He's a big time liar - lies about pretty much everything. It's mainly because he has an anxiety problem and has hidden that (and his true self) for much of his life.
I was like you, where I just kind of accepted that p was something that every guy did and I myself even used to look at it (but stopped a long time ago). For a while it didn't bother me, but mainly because I didn't know the extent of it. He lived in another city for school and I just never really saw his computer...so how could I know? Then when we moved back I started to find little things when I wasn't even looking. Finally, I actually searched and came across over 100 movies!!! I felt ill, I couldn't even look at him. But it didn't stop there...he continued to tell me it was normal - that he had so many b/c he didn't delete them (while giving me the opposite excuse for why he downloaded so many - that he always deleted them!) so pretty much I knew he was lying and knew that that meant trouble.

It took a few more months before he actually admitted he had a problem. Our sex life was worse than worse and I pretty much demanded to know why he could watch p, but not have sex with me. I went outside for a smoke and let him really think about his answer. When I came back inside he told me. It was pretty shocking even though I already knew. Just actually knowing is worse than kind of knowing.

That was in August and now it's December. Right now he's actively involved in a workshop on recoverynation. and although he's slipped a few times, he seems to be GETTING STUFF finally!!

I still though feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. It was so much fun to daydream about getting engaged and married and having the house and the kids. And now, all of that just seems so distant. It's depressing.

The thing that helped me the most was knowing that I didn't have to make a decision. You have a lot of time to think about these things and figure out what is best for YOU. Take that pressure off yourself.

[laboheme]

Hey,

Sounds like you've had quite a rough time. I'm 24 living with a 25 yr old PA. We've been together now nearly 3 yrs and living together for nearly 2 years and I came to know of his PA about a year ago.

Please feel free to send me a private message, as I understand how hard it can be to find someone in a similar situation! It is a hard and battling job as the SO, as we all know only too well but stick with here and at least you can share your problems.

Your SO has offered to get help which is a huge step (I wish mine would admit he had a problem!), go with it!

If your SO is willing to get help but you haven't got a lot of money for conselling, try talking to each other, both use this site, perhaps he could create a journal?

[zerotolerance]

He cheats on you everytime he p's. We can "think" it's not cheating all we want, but that don't make it so. All the things he has said to you in defense of himself are LIES! The effects of p/mb are cummulative. They never just stay the same, they get worse, and that's what you are seeing. Plus is far easy for them to use us when we are objectified then when we aren't. At the start of these relationships, we don't know it, but we good objects, but that don't last, or we become too "real" to abuse. And thus we don't work for them as well sexually anymore. When a mans sexuality is hijacked by p, then need objectified women to get off, not loving women.

I don't why you are looking for others around your age. Age is irrevelant really. You need knowlege. It kind of sounds to me like you are still looking for a way to tolerate it without it bothering you, or looking to fix you, without having to take his p/mb habit away entirely. That don't work. What works is learning that it bad, that it is harmful, that we don't get to decide because there are universal truths already at play, already decide by God. It's not mere opinion that he is spewing. It's soul damaged BS. Don't try to compromise about it, get rid of the p. PERIOD. That's the only way to even have a chance at beginning to fix him or YOU imo. Someone younger is less likely to know the truth, and more likely to spew the doo, and you don't need that. You need the truth, and you need to accept it, and you need to honor it. That's what works.

[danc1ngqueen13]

Hi there. Welcome to you.
I'm 21. I know how you feel. One thing I noticed is that it sounds like you want him to 'get better' more than he does. Counseling won't work, if he doesn't want it.

Those are awful things he says to you. What is making you stay with him, other than fear holding you back?

Something I have learned just from being on this board, is that it is not YOUR problem. He doesn't do this because of YOU. As women, it's hard for us to wrap our minds around that though.