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Post by witness on Aug 27, 2007 11:53:25 GMT -5
Yes, John. The "why" question is very difficult to answer. I certainly don't have the answer.
And yes, Aime, I plan to continue to be patient, understanding and tell the truth.
At least it looks like she is willing to try and to give me another chance. For that I am eternally grateful.
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Post by zerotolerance on Aug 28, 2007 0:01:35 GMT -5
Yeah! We know! That's the rub. So many people thing p is sooo right, but they are wrong. They are soul dead wrong. Welcome to the truth. It will set you free but first it is really going to upset your world.
You took a HUGE step. One rarely seen around here. How brave you are for doing that, I hope you came all the way clean. I know it hurts her, and that it is hard to see and know that, but it is neccessary because you have already did it. It's not the telling us that hurts but rather what's in the telling. But the truth is the truth nonetheless. Not telling doesn't change the facts of the matter for you regardless. It is changing how you choose to deal with it, but it doesn't change what you've done.
The good news is that you are doing the right thing now. That's all we can ever really expect of ourselves. Keep doing the right things even when they are difficult. I would imagine it will take your wife years to process what has happened. Her mind will go back over every second of your marriage and question every single thing that ever happened. She will likely recall things she suspected but dismissed, and if/when she does she will ask about them. Keeping your marriage intact will be harder than giving up the p imo. You need to be humble, and remorseful, and totally honest. You need to understand what your triggers are, and you need to work on you as much as possible. She has to find her own way now. You can only stand beside her and be sure not to do it again. Expect to get a LOT more tears, and a lot more anger. You can try to comfort her with affection. But don't get upset if she rejects you. Try anyway. Keep trying anyway. Cry with her if you feel tears welling up. Every tear that falls restores a tiny peice of our soul. They are natural and maybe even neccessary imo. Recognize that she is grieving for what she thought ya'll had. She is afraid of what all this will facilitate now. I thin it is a good sign that she asked for time to process it. It shows great maturity on her part, and that can only work in your favor.
When we see how p users use other women. How they celebrate with orgasm watching other men use women, it breaks something very deep inside of us. It breaks our souls. She knows her heart is hurting, but it's not just her heart that broke. It's her soul, and it blows our minds too. Oh my heart goes out to her. And you. I fear this is just the calm before the storm though, so hold on for more rough weather to come. The best thing you can do at this point is to keep learning, stay p-free and, stay calm. Stay calm no matter what she says or does, you need to stay calm. I don't mean quiet, but calm. Use a gentle tone, and absolutely no blameshifting. You have it coming and now you just have to take it like a man, just like you told her like a man. The hardest part comes from within you not anything she can say or do. She has every right to be angry and she has to experience whatever that entails in order to get it out.
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Post by witness on Aug 28, 2007 6:08:14 GMT -5
Yes, the storm has hit.
The news I dumped on her is so heavy that she can hardly hold up under the burden. For the second night in a row she had trouble sleeping. She keeps envisioning me betraying her and the anger wells up. Anything I say to her sounds so hollow.
She tried to get on here and post yesterday but for some reason her account has not yet been approved. So maybe that will get resolved this morning.
Yes, ZT, her heart and her soul are broken. And I can't help her, because I'm the one who did it. If she had not trusted me so much, so completely, this would not hurt the way it does now.
Dear Lord, please let her know that You are present and that You are faithful!
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Post by nowheretobefound on Aug 28, 2007 6:51:23 GMT -5
We'll be waiting for your wife to be able to post so we can offer her the comfort I'm certain she craves. Someone who can understand the terrible pain she has in her heart and the fears in her mind. Unfortunately there are enough of us here that understand what she must be feeling : (
Until then, hopefully you can read posts 'Mrs. witness' and I want you to know how very sorry I am for the hurt you have been feeling, the pain, losing the safety of having a husband you trust, for fear of the unknown, for the horrible images you have bombarding your mind, for not feeling like enough (although you are way more than enough... it's the porn fog they get in that's makes them forget that/not see it - this isn't your fault, nothing you did/didn't do caused your husband to choose p/mb'ing and betray you - NOTHING. I'm am so very sorry for your hurt, I understand it, I wish I could take it away from every person (women usually) that come to this board wondering Why? How? etc.
I know you will find great support here Mrs. witness. I hope to see you here soon so we can give you all of the hugs and 'reading ears' you deserve.
((((((((((((((((Mrs. Witness))))))))))))))))) Or whatever screen name you choose. Hugs all the same - the kind that makes you melt into the arms of the person hugging you letting go of all of your troubles... where you just break down and cry knowing you are understood and you feel safe and free - that kind. The kind you need right now I'm sure. Like another member said to me last night, I wish I could just go next door and be there for you during this awful time.
We'll talk soon hopefully, Amie
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Post by witness on Aug 28, 2007 13:16:03 GMT -5
Her account is now in operation and her user name is: devastated
She is working right now so I imagine she'll post something in here either tonight or tomorrow.
A few hugs would do all of us some good. Too bad they can't erase the past. Perhaps they can help give us strength for today.
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Post by Benderson on Aug 28, 2007 13:17:21 GMT -5
We're looking forward to meeting her.
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Post by witness on Aug 29, 2007 6:46:23 GMT -5
My wife posted a thread: "Needing Help"
Besides the hugs, she needs information to try to work through all of this. We both know that so much of it takes time and that there are no quick, easy fixes.
She plans to buy some books. Today she went to "Recovery Nation" and did some reading there.
Thanks again, ladies!
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Post by Benderson on Aug 29, 2007 8:58:36 GMT -5
Just left her post. I'm glad she's here.
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Post by witness on Aug 29, 2007 12:55:35 GMT -5
I'm sure this is just part of the process but it is so hard. From time to time she asks me: "How could you have betrayed me for so long and deceived me for so many years?"
I feel lower than a snake's belly.
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Post by gracebyfaith on Aug 29, 2007 13:30:24 GMT -5
How did you answer that question for her, witness?
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Post by Benderson on Aug 29, 2007 13:32:26 GMT -5
That's the question that's the most asked by us when we first find out.
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Post by witness on Aug 29, 2007 13:50:00 GMT -5
gracebyfaith,
If I had a good answer for that question I would not be in this mess. I kept telling myself that I would get better that I would never do it again. And I was too ashamed to talk with anyone. At times I denied that it was a problem. But the weight of it all got to be too much. I was so wrong. Dead wrong.
The more I try to answer, the more I get myself in trouble. "If only" I had sought help sooner!! "If only" I could go back and change it all.
Father, please forgive me. Heal me. Heal her. Heal us.
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Post by witness on Aug 29, 2007 16:06:04 GMT -5
I was just reading some of what you ladies had to say to my wife. I thank you. From the bottom of my soul.
And I thank you all as well for letting me invade the Partner's Forum with this thread. It is very theraputic for me and very educational as well. I don't know why it took me almost two years to decide to come over here and listen to you all talk some truth.
I just sent a PM to a young guy who doesn't want to tell his wife. I told him not to be a fool like me. He wrote back and said his problem is not that bad and he's gonna get better on his own. Sounds sooo much like me. Sigh . . .
Where we live they say "as long as we are living there is still hope". For that I am thankful!
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Post by zerotolerance on Aug 29, 2007 16:34:07 GMT -5
Well, you did the right thing. It takes a BIG man to say he was wrong, dead wrong. Actually that is one the smartest things I have ever heard a guy say around here, and you've now said it twice. I think the fear of even having to consider the possility of it being wrong keeps many men from even considering it. That and the fact they might have to give up all their p g/fs.
Too bad you couldn't reach the kid. Now you know how we feel when we are trying to reach other lost souls like yours who just ignore us or make fun of us.
God has a way of not dumping the truth on us all at once. Because it would surely kill us if he did. I think we all have to get really ready to hear it. And if you weren't ready to hear the truth, then you could have come over here and read (like many others do) and you would have jsut discounted what we said anyway just like that kid discounted what you had to say about it.
We can only help the ones that truly want to be helped. You sound like you are more than ready now. You didn't know what it would do to you or your wife and family. Yeah you should have know, there were parts you knew all along were wrong. But you didn't know the consequences. The p-graphers go to great expense and extremes to deny and hide the truth about it. We should have known what our spouse were up to too, but we didn't. So it's done now. Welcome to the light of truth. It might feel a burden for some time but it is truly a blessing. You have been given a blessing in disquise imo.
All we can do is live, and learn, not make the mistakes again. You have managed to see what soooo many fail to see. So what if it's late, better late than never. It's not as important that you didn't know then as it is that you do know now and what you do with it. You are already not the same person you were then. You wouldn't have told you wife then! You couldn't even admit you had a problem then. Look at all the lies you don't believe anymore. That's progress. It's hard, it hurts, but it is still progess.
We have to look at it, look back at it, and resolve it, and change it, and forgive ourselves for it, but then we have to keep going forward continuing to always do the right thing now. It will get easier for you and wife. You don't even have a chance at healing while you are in denial. Now your out, and now she's out too. That's huge Witness! It really is even though it feels like crap. We have to go back through the pain to get out of it. We have to know what we've done, what we contributed to it, in order to understand why and how it is harmful. Instead of growing a bigger soul hole by pouring more p in, you are starting to close yours up now. It's only the beginning, not the end. Ya'll can't even imagine or see the end from the place you are at now. But I can, and it is good. It's so much better than how you've lived so far. Telling doesn't fix it but is a step in the right direction for a change.
I know the guilt and shame you feel must be overwhelming because even for those of us that don't engage in any of these behaviors ourselves it is huge. But once you change your behaviors then that goes away in time. When there is nothing left to be guilty or shameful about it starts to go away. When you are no longer the person you were then there is nothing left to feel shameful about. When we do the right thing we start releasing it's hold on our lives and letting the love of God flow through us as it should and will for anybody whose heart, mind, body, and soul are working in harmony instead of against each other.
You aren't the first person to fall for sins of the flesh, you aren't the last. We are all just some among many. And you've now done something that many never even try to do already. You did a very, very MANLY thing imo. You turned the corner now. It's uphill from here. And that beats sliding further down anyday. No matter what else happens.
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Post by completelydone on Aug 29, 2007 23:10:47 GMT -5
Hey witness, How's it going? Hang in there. It's gonna be real rocky for a while. I think it might help you if you look up the stages of grieving. That is what is going to happen for your wife. It is a huge roller coaster ride for both of you emotionally when going through this. Yes, you have probably hurt her more than she ever has before. Remember, the deeper the love you have for a person, the more devastating the hurt of this is. She obviously loves you very much. She will need you. But try to get hints from her when to draw near and when to give her space. When I was fresh in grieving there were times when I wanted my husband to hold me; times when I wanted him to steer completely clear. There were times when I felt both at the same time It was a very difficult time. That's a big understatement actually. It's difficult at times now; then it was pure hell. I felt like I was having a total melt down and my emotions were so overwhelming they often got the better of me in the beginning. Most importantly- no more porn, and you're gonna have to be an open book and be willing to put it all out there (meaning you) heart and soul, so you both can heal. Take care, CD
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