Post by zerotolerance on Dec 18, 2007 16:12:18 GMT -5
Well, at least you are going in the right direction now, and not continuing to move backwards, nor deeper into the p pit of denial. We don't like having this hate in our hearts for anything or anyone. It's foreign to us, and confusing, and frustrating. Just try to remember that she is a victim of her emotions about it just like you were a victim to continuing to do it. And just like you had blind spots while you were using, she has blindspots now where she can't really pan out and see the bigger picture yet. She's got to work her way through all the individual factors, and elements, and sort out of the big ball of tangled confusion yarn, just like you do. Right now it all seems fake, and tainted, and while some of it is, and that's somewhat of a correct view, it is also still somewhat distorted too. The results won't be clear until every yarn is unraveled. She can't see how to forgive you yet, but that doesn't mean forgiveness is not still within here, burried under her confusion. When we sort it out, we know ya'll didn't know, that you didn't have a clue, and that matters. When we sort it out, we can see how it's compartmentalized and seperate in your minds, and even though it isn't right we can understand it better. Just like users compartmentalize, and dont' allow cross over input between, heart,mind,body, and soul, our own affectedness causes that to happen in us too. Only for her it didn't happen slowly, nor subtley, over time like it does to a user, but rather it happened at one time instead and we are soo much more accutely aware of it, and how wrong it is, and how horrible it feels. Her capacity for forgiveness is in a compartment somewhere, and her effectedness is preventing her from accessing that compartment. Rightfully so imo, until some of the other loose ends are tied up, and her confusion lifts. It's not yet time in her own healing journey to have that capacity yet. When we forgive to soon the unresolved feelings, or users repeating the behavior, causes us to regret it, and cause us more damage. So in this way God is protecting her imo, even though it feels like it is killing her. She doesn't have all the puzzle pieces yet, that will eventually give her a clearer picture than the one she is seeing right now. Now she's seeing the YOU side, YOU DID THIS, YOU DID THAT, and now SHE's STUCK like this, or FEELS and THINKS she's stuck. But she's not, she's moving forward, even though it doesn't feel like it when we are conciously aware of the feelings of getting sucked into the p pit of dispair. We feel the hurting, more than we feel the healing. We think about the PAIN, because it is intrusive, until we resolve it. But it doesnt' mean we aren't healing. It just means it FEELS like we arent. It doesn't mean we aren't thinking, or that there aren't far more thoughts in there that she's not sharing yet. She's sharing the bad, because that's where she's hurting. But I know there are still good thoughts, and good parts, in there, they are just compartmentalized right now. It's a defense mech. The key is not getting stuck in it and to just keep working at it, and working at it. Eventually we get reconnected, and the compartments merge back into a healthier view, with all our input helping us to make good decisions. Her heart is stone cold right now, your p-ng froze it, per se. But that doesn't mean it's gone forever, like she might feel like it is. It's just buried temporarily while she gets her head clear about it. It's to protect her heart and soul, imo, but it feels more like they are being ripped out. It feels perminent because we don't know how to stop it, so we can't imagine EVER being able to stop it. So we say things like this because we don't know what to do. We just know we hate it, and we hate that ya'll caused it, and we hate p, and we hate that we were deceived, etc.... We are full of hate, hate, hate, and we HATE IT! Esp since we were (or thought we were) formerly so full of love and bliss, so light hearted per se. And now she has a heavy heart, and so she should hate it. It's wrong, and she knows it's wrong, and she doesn't want it, it's just there. In her mind YOU put it there. But when we can pan out we can see how all the details of why and how it happened. We can understand that you didn't know, because we didn't know either. We can understand how you can be soo stupid because you were under the influence of a powerful mind and soul altering drug. Yeah it seems like you should have known, but you are amoung soooo many who also didn't know. That's when she will learn to be very grateful for the steps you've taken so far to correct it. But she can't access those feelings yet. God is working on her heart, her mind, and her soul. And when she does enough work he will start to re-integrate her, and there she will find more love and forgiveness than she has ever know before. More than any of us can possible imagine from the state she is in now. You too imo.
With every foul thing she says, there is opportunity for you, to untangle another string in your ball of yarn. Every time she hurts, and you FEEL it, your emotions are turning back on, and getting stronger. I know it hurts you, and it stinks, but just remember it is for your own good. You need to know, and to completely understand what men's p-ng is doing to women. God is going to use you to teach other men the truth about p and it's effects on men, and the way it affects women too. We have to be able to see both to get out of the pit and to stay out. You are growing empathy right now, and that's a good thing. I know it is sad to see her like this, but it is no sadder than our view of ya'll. If one of us can get through it, then ALL of us can, it just takes time, and effort, and the awareness of needing too. You finally saw that you needed to, and you took action. She knows she needs to now too, because it was unceremoniously dumped in her lap, and she's being FORCED to, or else succumb to deeper dispair. She just doesn't know how, anymore than you knew how to stop yourself when you were using. Ya'll are two peas on opposite ends in the same pod. Our problems mirror your problems in a different, but also similar way. The details are different, but the overall symptoms are the same. Understanding you, can help you understand her better. Ya'll will both come out of it understanding yourselves and each other better. And understanding the universe better, and understanding God's plan for us better. Right now she wants back what she used imagine she had, but in time, she won't miss that at all. The only reason we miss it, is because we know it is better than the pit we find ourselves. But the missing elements are on the higher mountain we are all ascending to. And when we get a view from higher up the cliff it makes everything we've ever known before, or thought we knew before, look like the shallow nothingness it was. We look back and know we look like kids playing with tinker toys. We don't miss the old us anymore, and sure don't miss the pain, we know we are WHOLE, and that it is far better than anything we've ever been or thought before. That is where she/you are going. To a whole new beautiful world that she can't even imagine right now. It's the world where we know we are blessed with God's love, and God's protection. It's a place where we know God is love, and we are love, and we become more loving than we've ever been. Just keep going... The only way out is through it. Be grateful you are going through it. I know that is hard at the time, but it is important imo. I used to think I'd never find love or forgiveness, that I was perminently broken too, but I was wrong. I found soo much more than I was ever looking for, more than I had ever known in the best of times, and more than I could have ever imagined.
With every foul thing she says, there is opportunity for you, to untangle another string in your ball of yarn. Every time she hurts, and you FEEL it, your emotions are turning back on, and getting stronger. I know it hurts you, and it stinks, but just remember it is for your own good. You need to know, and to completely understand what men's p-ng is doing to women. God is going to use you to teach other men the truth about p and it's effects on men, and the way it affects women too. We have to be able to see both to get out of the pit and to stay out. You are growing empathy right now, and that's a good thing. I know it is sad to see her like this, but it is no sadder than our view of ya'll. If one of us can get through it, then ALL of us can, it just takes time, and effort, and the awareness of needing too. You finally saw that you needed to, and you took action. She knows she needs to now too, because it was unceremoniously dumped in her lap, and she's being FORCED to, or else succumb to deeper dispair. She just doesn't know how, anymore than you knew how to stop yourself when you were using. Ya'll are two peas on opposite ends in the same pod. Our problems mirror your problems in a different, but also similar way. The details are different, but the overall symptoms are the same. Understanding you, can help you understand her better. Ya'll will both come out of it understanding yourselves and each other better. And understanding the universe better, and understanding God's plan for us better. Right now she wants back what she used imagine she had, but in time, she won't miss that at all. The only reason we miss it, is because we know it is better than the pit we find ourselves. But the missing elements are on the higher mountain we are all ascending to. And when we get a view from higher up the cliff it makes everything we've ever known before, or thought we knew before, look like the shallow nothingness it was. We look back and know we look like kids playing with tinker toys. We don't miss the old us anymore, and sure don't miss the pain, we know we are WHOLE, and that it is far better than anything we've ever been or thought before. That is where she/you are going. To a whole new beautiful world that she can't even imagine right now. It's the world where we know we are blessed with God's love, and God's protection. It's a place where we know God is love, and we are love, and we become more loving than we've ever been. Just keep going... The only way out is through it. Be grateful you are going through it. I know that is hard at the time, but it is important imo. I used to think I'd never find love or forgiveness, that I was perminently broken too, but I was wrong. I found soo much more than I was ever looking for, more than I had ever known in the best of times, and more than I could have ever imagined.