Does it ever go away?

[Karahma123]

On it's own?

Found out my husband had a PA problem about 3 years ago when we were first married. He confessed to me after he confessed he had cheated on me with a stripper during the bachelor party. Also found out he had "crushes" on a number of my girlfriends at the time. We went through a lot of therapy, moved away from the area we were living in and suddenly my DH stated he no longer had an issue at all. I knew he had some slip ups, but he has told me it's no longer an issue.

We've since had a baby and our sex life is basically non-existant. THe few times we've had "dates" since the baby was born, I've caught him checking out other women and it's crushed me. I nearly always (90%) of the time approach him for sex and he usually turns me down.

I know he isn't looking at P at home on our computers, or on TV, but I can't help but wondering....is this how life is supposed to be?

BTW, before he was suddenly "cured" of everything he DID want a sex life with me. Maybe it's the baby,....or...?

Thanks

[Karahma123]

Also, I know he is M'ing.

[completelydone]

Kara,

I'm so sorry you are going through this, especially with a little bundle there now.

Yes, Kara, it can go away; either because they want to get better or by you leaving them.

However, often they don't get better until they are forced to chose between you and porn. Have you given him an ultimatum such as this?

[nowheretobefound]

Sounds like your H's stuff was/is escalated addiction and no it doesn't just 'go away'... as much as he and you would like it to, I know. I wish it did. We all do here.

Those are some pretty serious things he's confessed to... was it a 'forced' type confession... like basically you knew but didn't know and he had no choice but to tell you? Or did he just 'come clean' totally of his own doing?

I guess it's possible (though extremely unlikely) that he hit rock bottom in his addiction and through therapy made some serious changes without you knowing what they are or being aware of what changed... but it doesn't sound like you think that (you're here and the way your post reads). Instead, what is unfortunately more likely is that his still MB'ing gives him away - you don't go from being a PA to being able to MB without porn. And if his PA was escalated to sex with strippers prior to this... how long will just plain ol' porn keep him going : (

Not having sex with you but having sex with himself at least is so very selfish. I'm sorry you are going through that. I'm sorry that you feel crushed ever... especially by his dumbass selfishness... just to see a woman... THAT MAKES ME SO ANGRY. That is the root crap of PA imo... that even a glance at another women becomes more important than their lives with us... than our happiness... than our ability to feel peace in our core. Selfish selfish selfish. Ok... sorry but had to get that out.

Your H definitely sounds like he's in the grips of addiction to me just from the short post you made. I hope I'm wrong but even if I am you still aren't happy... so clearly something needs to change even if he is proclaiming total miraculous healing. What is he prepared to do about that?

I hope you are able to see this isn't your fault or anything you did/didn't do or are/aren't... it's about his sickness and SELFISHNESS.

((((((Karahma123))))))

Amie

[zerotolerance]

It sounds like he's gotten worse imo, not better. I'd be looking for the videos and the dvds. What does he use for mb stimuli, thoughts of your friends maybe? Gross!!! At best he sounds like a only half dry drunk. His behavior speaks volumes about how he views women, how he sexualizes them, and no that doesn't go away without concious effort, and it is obviously not gone or you wouldn't be noticing it. More likely than not he's pulling the wool over your eyes imo. If it don't feel right, it ain't right. It's not normal for healthy men to be turning down sex with us. That's ridiculous, and it tells us he's not healthy. Even if he is only mb-ng it is still giving your sexual energy to himself rather than to you. My guess would be that he is still an active pornosexual.

[Disillusioned]

How do you know he's not looking at porn on your computer or tv? I 'knew' my husband wasnt' looking either. Do you monitor the computer? Is he ever up late alone? Or early, before you get up? Are you with him 24/7? These guys are smart and can hide their activity really well, and it's not that hard to hide.

Have you talked to him about the lack of sex in your marriage? If you've gone thru alot of therapy, then I would hope one of the issues you guys have figured out is how to communciate.

[summer]

perhaps he is looking (at P) and you don't know, like when you go out or are busy with the baby or in the shower? you never know, i never thought my fiance would look while i was in bed but he did. its sick it really is but you need to understand that P-ng addicts are always addicted there is no "cure" it only being controlled and perhaps hes having a hard time controlling it? or he just hasn't stopped and hes hiding it very well. so maby you should put a tracker on your computer to record everything that goes on your computer when your not around.

[katmoi]

Hi Kara - First of all, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. You must feel very lonely, hurt and abandoned. I know that I do when my DH is in the grips of his addiction.

our sex life is basically non-existent

Since he's not having sex with you, and since you almost always have to initiate, it's pretty clear that he's into his addiction.

I know he isn't looking at P at home on our computers, or on TV, but I can't help but wondering....

My DH used uses fantasy too, including fantasizing about my daughter's friends (17 year old twins), my sister and basically any woman that he sees during the day. SA's don't have to have a visual.

is this how life is supposed to be?

No, Kara, it's not supposed to be like this. Life, especially married life, is supposed to be spent with someone who can love you back and who can trust you enough to want to share his sexuality with you. Your DH is supposed to be your best friend. That's why all of this feels so horrible; because you've been cheated out of all of this.

Does it ever go away?

I doubt it ever goes away. I think the only "cure" for this issue for my DH and me is to continue seeing the therapist that we found. We are making slow, but steady progress. At our session yesterday, DH agreed to stop all mb, unless I am present. If he feels he HAS to MB, he will talk to me first.

I hope you can get your DH back into therapy with you, and that you can get him to make a commitment to be intimate with you again. I know it's very, very difficult, but life is too short to live it in misery.

{{{{Karahma}}}}

[zerotolerance]

At our session yesterday, DH agreed to stop all mb, unless I am present. If he feels he HAS to MB, he will talk to me first.

Wow! That's interesting. I wonder how often he will be talking to you? I think that sounds like a good cureall for the fako perceived need to mb. It's like a make em think twice thingy, then supposedly tell too, before acting on the urges. In order to honor his promise it's like he is fako forced in to rethinking it first. One thing's for sure it can't break what's already broken and any efforts at impulse control thinking should help one learn that we don't have to act on every little impluse, urge, or thought, or desire, or whatever. It's like stop, drop, and roll. Only its, Stop, wait, and think, and choose to roll away from the urge until it passes, or until he gets brave enough to discuss it with you. Let us know how that goes!

[zerotolerance]

There is something about having babies that tends to put us in the madonna category sometimes too where we become too good (or neccessary) to be disposable sex partners or something weird. We aren't suppose to be interested in sex anymore evidently and/or it's harder for them to objectify us as sex toys.

[Karahma123]

Bumping up this old thread.
I have been suspicious about my husbands activity this entire time but he has been admenent about being "clean" for the past couple of years. Then recently I found all history on our computer had been erased. Confronted him several times and he kept saying he didn't know how that happened, he even suggested a virus. Had a completely rational explanation for it. I'm sure you're all rolling your eyes right about now.

So after my own therapy session tonight, I confrotned him again. This time, he made me promise NOT to be mad at him and admitted to watching porn on our computer. The sick thing was, our baby was in the room (asleep) for some?? of the times since our computer is in our bedroom. I'm totally sickened by this. We co-sleep as a family and our baby is in our room and now I'm thinking at the very least the computer needs to be OUT of the bedroom.

I'm really sickened right now, all of this year has been a lie to me. Of course I got the usual bull where he says he's an addict and he can't help it. I point out to him that he has refused to address any triggers or issues for months and months and how he'd tell me he WASN'T an addict if i confronted him.

It really makes me wonder how much p* he has been viewing over these two years. Coincidently, the last time he "confessed" to me was after a time I was in the emergency room. I have an autoimmune illness and I was in the hospital twice this past week. I'm wondering if he feels EXTRA guilty in times when I'm even more sick than usual. I don't know.

Another big red flag for me is my husband met a group of friends he plays this game with on Friday-saturday nights. Before I put restrictions on him, he was going out until 2-3am. Like I mentioned I have a baby and I have an autoimmune disease so often I'm not feeling well and don't appreciate my husband not coming home until 2-3am. So we had made a deal that he'd come home around midnight, but it's still weird in my opinion. I did some internet searching on the email address of one of his new "friends" and I got a LOT of weird posts in some very gross p* forums. Like, really sickening things. I addressed this with my husband and he says I'm overreacting and that guy isn't bad at all.

I just don't trust him at all anymore. When I suggest he not hang out with that group of friends (which I've never met BTW) he gets irrate. Last night I was sick and he had to cancel going out with those guys and he was completely irrate with me. I was at my own therapist today and told h er about his recent behaivor and she's the one who suggested that his inability to stay home with his sick wife and child to go out with these guys until midnight on a sunday sounds like addict behaivor. That's when I told her about the history being erased and I confrotned my husband when I got home.

Now we're in that sick, "I'm so sorry I love you so much, you have to forgive me" phase.

I just don't know how much more of this I can take. And I don't want my child being raised in a household like this.

[dazednconfused]

Kharma-
it doesn't just go away. He is not working any kind of recovery.. and if he is stil mb'ing, he is not really stopping the other (although you have said he didn't stop that either).
YOur instincts are right... he is not being honest or sober. Here are my suggestions, take them for what they are worth

1) decide your boundries and give them to him. If it is p or me, then stick to it. He may think he has the upperhand because you have a cronic illness... he doesn't, you can di this without him.. you definitely can't stay healthy all stressed out about his addiction and attitude.

2) if you REALLY want to know if he is visiting p sites, put a filter on the computer- k9webprotection.com will track (and block if you want it to) so that even if he erases the history, you can still see where he goes and when. You can turn the blocker off. Then you'll know without seeing IF YOU NEED TO: really kick the door down on his lying butt, run the recovery program on recovermyfiles.com ***WARNING*** you will see EXACTLY what he looks at, and only some of the greater whole. It was incredibly disturbing for me to go into the stench-ridden darkness and see where my husband was dwelling, but it was the end of the lies in our relationship.
4) work on your own recovery plan. Recover yourself from this nightmare, with or without him.

Take care of you, take care of the baby. And be prepared for whatever you need to be as healthy and happy as you can be.

peace-
dazed

[mo4wo1]

I thought I "knew" & my H just laid on me the fact that he has looked at P at work, and not the job that fired him for looking at P so much (daily). You don't know... trust me. You just don't. We may believe but none of us "knows". Heck, he has been using mags in the grocery store for "untraceable" rushes/high because in his mind/addict rational (and I quote) "They didn't count".

I agree. It doesn't "go away" on it's own & what you described sounds like he's still using.

If only they had a pee-test for P use... a "P Test".

[zerotolerance]

Yea-ah a P test. That would be great.

But really there is a test already, the test of how they treat us and how they behave in general. We just have to learn how to read the results. Lack of interest in sex = P positive, Crazy making behavior = P positive; Lying = P positive; P headed Attitudes = P positive; Lack of empathy=P Positive; Diverting and distracting rather than communicating with integrity=P positive......... etc.... lol!

He's not even capable of thinking striaght right now, so you have to do it for you and child. His whole view is thru a P filter of lies and stupidty. So don't look to him to provide the solution, because he is the problem. And if he had the solution you wouldn't be in this mess. And the only way they have a chance at getting better is to get out of the p. They don't stay the same, they get worse. The effects of using are progressive and cummulative. And they think they are uneffected all they want, but we can see that they most definately are effected. And we can see we are effected, and our families are also effected.

It's like were standing here with our limbs cut off, bleeding profusely, and they stand there telling us P don't hurt! YEAH Right! Who are you going believe? I'm going with God, because p using men are full of man made lies! They worship their P idols, and thus don't know squat about love, nor emotions, or harmony, nor their own souls. They don't now nothing really, except p, p, more p, and the quest for more p. My h is merely a p projector now imo. He's not a even a person anymore whatsoever. He's objectified himself, and everyone else too, and can't even imagine why that's a problem.