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Post by javaboy on Mar 12, 2003 9:52:42 GMT -5
how can i assure my wife, who is privy to my addiction, that this is an addiction. the way she looks at it is, hey you can stop any time, and your just doing this because you don't love me, or i'm not "hot" enough for you that you have to go look @ other women. i'm @ a loss for words when ever we have that conversation, so i always end up looking like a jackass. any advise?
java
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Post by susan2 on Mar 12, 2003 10:59:03 GMT -5
You can help assure her by your actions, not the same conversation over and over again. Let her know that you're trying. Talk to her about it whenever she has a question. Be as open and honest as possible about it.
My husband has begun talking when I need to, and it has helped me a lot. I try not to ask detailed questions, just general, and I do see most times that it really isn't about me. Still feels like it sometimes, but I'm trying to come to grips with that.
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Post by javaboy on Mar 12, 2003 11:05:32 GMT -5
thank you susan
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Post by hedgehog on Mar 12, 2003 11:16:18 GMT -5
Hi Javaboy,
Just a few quick suggestions...
If you want her to understand it's an addiction i suggest that you both start doing your homework. Maybe get Patrick Carnes' book Out of the Shadows and suggest that you read it together and talk about how you feel about your addiction. Give her an outsiders perspective that is objective. Maybe print off some of the threads here that you relate to that cover the feelings and struggles with addiction and how it's not about whether she's hot or not but how you feel about you. Then TALK about it in terms of your lives.
I think that the best way to get her to understand it's an addiction is to do the research into it and then open a continuous dialogue about it. It's not enough to just throw your hands up and say, "i can't help it; i'm an addict". To an SO who's reeling that's not enough information to start the healing process.
best of luck, -hh
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Post by Corazon on Mar 12, 2003 12:38:45 GMT -5
When I first found out that my husband's interest in porn was more than just a casual glance now and then, I was devastated. I'm sure the feelings I had were the same as what your wife is feeling -- betrayal, confusion, anger, etc.
The first thing I did was search out more information. I typed in "pornography addiction" in my web browser (2 years ago) and I found this board and OSA. I can never express my thanks enough for the support and information that I received.
I was told to go out and get Carnes' books and I also picked up a book called "An Affair of the Mind" by Laurie Hall. All excellent.
Information is power. It gives us the ammunition we need to fight back when the demon attacks us.
Best of luck to you, JB. Remember to take it one day at a time -- and keep posting!!
Corazon
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Post by gandalf on Mar 12, 2003 16:37:42 GMT -5
Another thing you can do is to direct her to a few online resources for partners. I promise to start writing these sites down but for now can an SO provide some web addresses?
Peace, Gandalf
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Post by nasa on Mar 12, 2003 18:40:43 GMT -5
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Post by Corazon on Mar 13, 2003 1:57:27 GMT -5
Here is a website that I've been to before -- it's a lot like this one, except it's only for wives of addicts. I guess that's why it's called "Christian Wives of Addicts" he he he pub52.ezboard.com/bchristianwivesofaddictsCorazon
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