Post by ladysig on Jan 17, 2008 19:15:54 GMT -5
Hi, Haven't been here in awhile, I was searching for happiness with my spouse. My H has been a long time P user over half our marrage. He also wrote women and had a partial affair ( meaning inapproprate touching if not intercorse)
But when we had D day He asked me to stay and I did. He got counseling and went on with his life and I stayed so unhappy. Why No trust, Waiting for the shoe to drop, Loss of self, My feelings toward him have changed etc etc.
Reading the partners Forum helped me see I wasn't alone BUT no one ever writes they,re happy. It always gaurded "Things are better" Day By Day" but never happy. It gave me NO hope.
So after almost 21 years of marrage and 28 years of knowing my husband ... this is what i have found.
My Mother never forgave my father his indiscressions ( and they were far worst than my spouse) but she stayed. She owns him, he never argues, shes bitter on life and see the world as bleak, and shes aged...
My friends mom has never forgiven her husbands affair 15 years ago... She stayed.. he's a shell of a man. She owns him, he does what ever she says, shes bitter , she's aged.
I do not want to be a bitter old woman that hates life and love and happiness! How can I avoild being like them? My answer is simple, here it is....
Woman want love above all else,,, Men want respect. ( I read this some were) If we never allow or selfs to love and be loved we loose. If we never forgive and respect the good in our spouses we have taken away theyre man hood.... they loose.
We all make choices, to stay or not stay (right) But you have to forgive your spounse and ALLOW your self to be happy. No one can do this when the hurt is fresh, But as time passes you have to look in ward.
I keep seeing forgive everywhere I look. Marrage books and even a diet book: the book perfect weight says above all protect your heart for it effects everything you do. In short:. A injured heart causes stress and effects our bodies. It even has a healing exercise for Physical & emotional stress.
If my child was learning to ride a bike and fell off, I wouldn't tell them to never get on a bike or they will get hurt. If they learned how to ride and loved it they were so happy, but again they fell, I do not believe that the fall erased the happiness they felt, nor would i tell them they should give it up because they can never be happy again on that bike.
Thats us ladies. It's ok to say I have not forgotten the pain but I forgive you for failing me/the marrage/us. I forgive that you were weak/addicted/human. I chose to stay because I want to love you, I want what i had before I lost it, I choose to stay. ( don't become bitter and aged.)
Don't hold back your happiness or love, or for fear of the slip ( It's a bike spill) Be happy enjoy your day, your week your years. See the good in them respect them for what they do right, allow them to hold their head up. You'll never love or respect if you are not living the marrage that you want, the one you stayed for.
My happiness left because life went on and I didn't feel vendicated. He didn't wear a sign for all to see that said " I was bad and hurt my wife" He went to work and the movies with the family, he mowed the lawn and washed the cars and watched football basicly life went on.
I forgot I'm also human I make mistakes and would not want to wear a sign for all to see. I didn't make his mistake but that doesn't meen I purfect. I too could hurt my family by making a mistake It happens all the time " Stove fire burns down house" you left the pot on and walked the dog.. everythings gone. Your sorry ! how many time could you say it and it still wouldn't bring back what you had. It's not the same but could be equally damaging.
So I would like to stay I'm happy. I love and respect my husband today, last week , the week before...... you get the point. And I expect to love him tomorrow.......... Thinking I can't because bad things might happen tomorrow is like staying in the house because I might get hit by a car. Tomorrow is what it is , but today is damn good.
The past is the past and you and not a weeker person for allowing happiness today, your a stronger one. You are not a fool for believing things will get better...... thats called hope and if things don't get better or he slips ,you are not a failure! You stayed to make it work and if it didn't ....So what..Now what...
You didn't fail
Love you all for who you are and what you have lived through.. Be happy if you can! It's OK . We wouldn't be hear if we were not strong, we are risk takers and what would the would be today without risk takers.
But when we had D day He asked me to stay and I did. He got counseling and went on with his life and I stayed so unhappy. Why No trust, Waiting for the shoe to drop, Loss of self, My feelings toward him have changed etc etc.
Reading the partners Forum helped me see I wasn't alone BUT no one ever writes they,re happy. It always gaurded "Things are better" Day By Day" but never happy. It gave me NO hope.
So after almost 21 years of marrage and 28 years of knowing my husband ... this is what i have found.
My Mother never forgave my father his indiscressions ( and they were far worst than my spouse) but she stayed. She owns him, he never argues, shes bitter on life and see the world as bleak, and shes aged...
My friends mom has never forgiven her husbands affair 15 years ago... She stayed.. he's a shell of a man. She owns him, he does what ever she says, shes bitter , she's aged.
I do not want to be a bitter old woman that hates life and love and happiness! How can I avoild being like them? My answer is simple, here it is....
Woman want love above all else,,, Men want respect. ( I read this some were) If we never allow or selfs to love and be loved we loose. If we never forgive and respect the good in our spouses we have taken away theyre man hood.... they loose.
We all make choices, to stay or not stay (right) But you have to forgive your spounse and ALLOW your self to be happy. No one can do this when the hurt is fresh, But as time passes you have to look in ward.
I keep seeing forgive everywhere I look. Marrage books and even a diet book: the book perfect weight says above all protect your heart for it effects everything you do. In short:. A injured heart causes stress and effects our bodies. It even has a healing exercise for Physical & emotional stress.
If my child was learning to ride a bike and fell off, I wouldn't tell them to never get on a bike or they will get hurt. If they learned how to ride and loved it they were so happy, but again they fell, I do not believe that the fall erased the happiness they felt, nor would i tell them they should give it up because they can never be happy again on that bike.
Thats us ladies. It's ok to say I have not forgotten the pain but I forgive you for failing me/the marrage/us. I forgive that you were weak/addicted/human. I chose to stay because I want to love you, I want what i had before I lost it, I choose to stay. ( don't become bitter and aged.)
Don't hold back your happiness or love, or for fear of the slip ( It's a bike spill) Be happy enjoy your day, your week your years. See the good in them respect them for what they do right, allow them to hold their head up. You'll never love or respect if you are not living the marrage that you want, the one you stayed for.
My happiness left because life went on and I didn't feel vendicated. He didn't wear a sign for all to see that said " I was bad and hurt my wife" He went to work and the movies with the family, he mowed the lawn and washed the cars and watched football basicly life went on.
I forgot I'm also human I make mistakes and would not want to wear a sign for all to see. I didn't make his mistake but that doesn't meen I purfect. I too could hurt my family by making a mistake It happens all the time " Stove fire burns down house" you left the pot on and walked the dog.. everythings gone. Your sorry ! how many time could you say it and it still wouldn't bring back what you had. It's not the same but could be equally damaging.
So I would like to stay I'm happy. I love and respect my husband today, last week , the week before...... you get the point. And I expect to love him tomorrow.......... Thinking I can't because bad things might happen tomorrow is like staying in the house because I might get hit by a car. Tomorrow is what it is , but today is damn good.
The past is the past and you and not a weeker person for allowing happiness today, your a stronger one. You are not a fool for believing things will get better...... thats called hope and if things don't get better or he slips ,you are not a failure! You stayed to make it work and if it didn't ....So what..Now what...
You didn't fail
Love you all for who you are and what you have lived through.. Be happy if you can! It's OK . We wouldn't be hear if we were not strong, we are risk takers and what would the would be today without risk takers.
