Post by robert10 on Dec 30, 2007 6:27:56 GMT -5
Boredom.
Could be different for everyone else, but for me it's definitely boredom. It's the feeling after long day when I stop and think "is this all that there is to my life?" I could be the happiest guy for months at a time but some days my emotions feel blunt, I start thinking negatively about how some things could be going better in my life, and then I remember how exciting P was to me. So I put it out of my mind and go on with my day. But at one point I find myself at my computer, late at night and incredibly bored, and my chest starts pounding. Literally my hands start shaking at smallest thought of watching something risque. Sometimes I just feel a knot in my stomach for DAYS. It's the most ridiculous thing I've ever come to know. To feel absolutely sure and know all the reasons why you want to stop watching P forever (because it's incredibly painful to the woman for the woman I love and it damages our relationship), yet I have such incredible internal struggles.
And I'm sorry to say I just had a mini slip, where I didn't watch the usual hardcore stuff, but I allowed myself to play the usual stupid game where the beast in my mind tries to ease myself into watching something risque. Basically it's when my chest has been pounding the whole day and I try to get as close as possible to watching P without having to admit I was watching P. You name it, from going to a funny pictures website and scanning for anything with a little nudity and then after seeing a few pictures becoming overwhelmed with guilt and shutting down my computer. Or just now I went to some random photo site and kept telling myself "I'm not doing anything wrong" when I was obviously scanning for something to feed my lust. I saw a few "artistic nudes" and then immediately snapped out of it and came to this website when I realized what I was getting myself into.
I don't know whether to feel happy that I didn't completely slip but at the same time I allowed myself to lust and play the same old game. I need to rid myself of this behavior, I need to keep myself busy and active and learn how to deal with these emotions. I also just don't know what makes me so sensitive to anything sexual at random periods. Sometimes I can go weeks where I feel like I don't even have a sex drive and then suddenly blam, it hits me like a train and suddenly my eyes expand wide whenever I pass by a woman. I catch myself and tell myself to relax and not treat women like sex objects but the feeling remains. MBing doesn't fix it, it probably ends up making it worst. And it gets to the point where I just want to get on with my life, I want to stop being hounded by my addiction to lust, I'm exhausted from having my chest pounding and when combined with boredom thats when I'm most likely to have a slip.
How do some of you deal with this? Please offer your advice, because it's driving me crazy. I have been working on three months of being clean and I just need to get through this...
Could be different for everyone else, but for me it's definitely boredom. It's the feeling after long day when I stop and think "is this all that there is to my life?" I could be the happiest guy for months at a time but some days my emotions feel blunt, I start thinking negatively about how some things could be going better in my life, and then I remember how exciting P was to me. So I put it out of my mind and go on with my day. But at one point I find myself at my computer, late at night and incredibly bored, and my chest starts pounding. Literally my hands start shaking at smallest thought of watching something risque. Sometimes I just feel a knot in my stomach for DAYS. It's the most ridiculous thing I've ever come to know. To feel absolutely sure and know all the reasons why you want to stop watching P forever (because it's incredibly painful to the woman for the woman I love and it damages our relationship), yet I have such incredible internal struggles.
And I'm sorry to say I just had a mini slip, where I didn't watch the usual hardcore stuff, but I allowed myself to play the usual stupid game where the beast in my mind tries to ease myself into watching something risque. Basically it's when my chest has been pounding the whole day and I try to get as close as possible to watching P without having to admit I was watching P. You name it, from going to a funny pictures website and scanning for anything with a little nudity and then after seeing a few pictures becoming overwhelmed with guilt and shutting down my computer. Or just now I went to some random photo site and kept telling myself "I'm not doing anything wrong" when I was obviously scanning for something to feed my lust. I saw a few "artistic nudes" and then immediately snapped out of it and came to this website when I realized what I was getting myself into.
I don't know whether to feel happy that I didn't completely slip but at the same time I allowed myself to lust and play the same old game. I need to rid myself of this behavior, I need to keep myself busy and active and learn how to deal with these emotions. I also just don't know what makes me so sensitive to anything sexual at random periods. Sometimes I can go weeks where I feel like I don't even have a sex drive and then suddenly blam, it hits me like a train and suddenly my eyes expand wide whenever I pass by a woman. I catch myself and tell myself to relax and not treat women like sex objects but the feeling remains. MBing doesn't fix it, it probably ends up making it worst. And it gets to the point where I just want to get on with my life, I want to stop being hounded by my addiction to lust, I'm exhausted from having my chest pounding and when combined with boredom thats when I'm most likely to have a slip.
How do some of you deal with this? Please offer your advice, because it's driving me crazy. I have been working on three months of being clean and I just need to get through this...