Post by sawyer on Dec 27, 2007 14:32:46 GMT -5
(I posted this on the new board, but here too ... just in case).
I am corresponding with someone who is an addict and new to recovery. Essentially me in May - confused, uncertain, and wondering what the hell is going on. In answering his question today, I realized that this may be useful to other people struggling with this addiction who are not sure of what to do.
Below is an edited response to his e-mail (protecting details). Essentially he was asking about a concept that lust is feeding another need we can't seem to get.
For example, my wife won't make love to me - so she doesn't love me as that is the ONLY way I can be shown love. "Why won't she love me! I've done everything!". (I hear this allot, and man did I say it allot). Kind of funny though, the answer to that is an addict has basically shot himself in the foot. By that point, lust has corrupted intimacy and love. Doesn't matter how much sex he has - the "need" for love will not be filled as he can no longer process that feeling during sex. Anyway, I digress.
But here was my response to my friend:
Ok, I *think* I understand what you are asking so I will take a buckshot approach in my answer and hopefully I answer it somewhere in this response. The response is two-fold.
The "addiction" part of our problem is directly fed by our inability to process everyday activities, frustrations, our inability to "control" the environment around us, and especially our everyday fears. I remember a sponsor telling me that normal people get a flat tire, change it, come home in a bad mood, watch some TV, eat dinner, and go to bed. Feeling fine the next day.
Addicts get a flat tire, go home and act out.
You may be seeing that already in your X weeks of sobriety - have you noticed as your sobriety increases and your crutch on MB and P decreases - you probably get frustrated or ill tempered much faster than normal. Maybe play the argument in your head and hold on to frustration for a few hours? Normally acting out would relieve this, but without acting out - it may be building inside.
Eventually that build will win, and you will fall. (Either within a day or two, or weeks/months as in what are "periodic" addicts). That is where a program, any program, comes in to play. It teaches you how to handle these issues in a manner that they won't build. (For example, when you felt better because you told me about the problems when [edited for privacy]).
The second piece has to do with what we have become - "love cripples". MB and P completely remove us from intimacy and love. As we progress, we look for a hit, not love. So that feeling of adoration, of being wanted, of being close is lost - and we desperately need it. So talking to a pretty girl not only flamed the fires of lust, they also stroke our egos making us feel adored, and in our heads we wonder about being with them and how we can interact with them daily because we like that feeling of "being wanted".
A good (personal) example of this...
[trigger]... was when I frequented strip clubs - I LOVED talking to the girls one on one, getting to know them intimately, their hopes and desires, everything. This helped me feel like their was a real connection between me and the dancer, a feeling of being needed, a feeling of being close. Coupled with a lap dance, this was great. Sure some girls that I got to know probably were interested in knowing me, most lied their behinds off to stroke whatever my ego brought for a VIP dance and more money.[/trigger]
Everything gets warped and wrapped into lust. Lust permeates everything - from how we think, to how we try to reach goals. "When we seemed to be succeeding, we lusted to dream still greater dreams. When we were frustrated, even in part, we lusted for oblivion" (Modified from the 12 and 12, pg 71). This leads us to be "demanding of more than our fare share of security, prestige, and romance" (pg 71).
What I have *personally* taken to help lead to road of recovery from this.
Well, I hope this helped some. Did I answer the question?
Sincerely,
Sawyer
I am corresponding with someone who is an addict and new to recovery. Essentially me in May - confused, uncertain, and wondering what the hell is going on. In answering his question today, I realized that this may be useful to other people struggling with this addiction who are not sure of what to do.
Below is an edited response to his e-mail (protecting details). Essentially he was asking about a concept that lust is feeding another need we can't seem to get.
For example, my wife won't make love to me - so she doesn't love me as that is the ONLY way I can be shown love. "Why won't she love me! I've done everything!". (I hear this allot, and man did I say it allot). Kind of funny though, the answer to that is an addict has basically shot himself in the foot. By that point, lust has corrupted intimacy and love. Doesn't matter how much sex he has - the "need" for love will not be filled as he can no longer process that feeling during sex. Anyway, I digress.
But here was my response to my friend:
Ok, I *think* I understand what you are asking so I will take a buckshot approach in my answer and hopefully I answer it somewhere in this response. The response is two-fold.
The "addiction" part of our problem is directly fed by our inability to process everyday activities, frustrations, our inability to "control" the environment around us, and especially our everyday fears. I remember a sponsor telling me that normal people get a flat tire, change it, come home in a bad mood, watch some TV, eat dinner, and go to bed. Feeling fine the next day.
Addicts get a flat tire, go home and act out.
You may be seeing that already in your X weeks of sobriety - have you noticed as your sobriety increases and your crutch on MB and P decreases - you probably get frustrated or ill tempered much faster than normal. Maybe play the argument in your head and hold on to frustration for a few hours? Normally acting out would relieve this, but without acting out - it may be building inside.
Eventually that build will win, and you will fall. (Either within a day or two, or weeks/months as in what are "periodic" addicts). That is where a program, any program, comes in to play. It teaches you how to handle these issues in a manner that they won't build. (For example, when you felt better because you told me about the problems when [edited for privacy]).
The second piece has to do with what we have become - "love cripples". MB and P completely remove us from intimacy and love. As we progress, we look for a hit, not love. So that feeling of adoration, of being wanted, of being close is lost - and we desperately need it. So talking to a pretty girl not only flamed the fires of lust, they also stroke our egos making us feel adored, and in our heads we wonder about being with them and how we can interact with them daily because we like that feeling of "being wanted".
A good (personal) example of this...
[trigger]... was when I frequented strip clubs - I LOVED talking to the girls one on one, getting to know them intimately, their hopes and desires, everything. This helped me feel like their was a real connection between me and the dancer, a feeling of being needed, a feeling of being close. Coupled with a lap dance, this was great. Sure some girls that I got to know probably were interested in knowing me, most lied their behinds off to stroke whatever my ego brought for a VIP dance and more money.[/trigger]
Everything gets warped and wrapped into lust. Lust permeates everything - from how we think, to how we try to reach goals. "When we seemed to be succeeding, we lusted to dream still greater dreams. When we were frustrated, even in part, we lusted for oblivion" (Modified from the 12 and 12, pg 71). This leads us to be "demanding of more than our fare share of security, prestige, and romance" (pg 71).
What I have *personally* taken to help lead to road of recovery from this.
- Stop acting out in all forms, "Everything begins with sobriety. Without sobriety, there is no program of recovery." (SA Whitebook, pg 77). You have to clear room to allow God to work in you.
- Stop feeding lust - not only material things that we can visual see (like magazines) but also the language of lust, resentment, and rage.
- Stop living in your own head - during lust hits (of course) but also after disagreements, arguments, unsettling information, resentments. Call, Write, journal, anything.
- Humble yourself in a way that makes you cringe, because if it doesn't bug you to humble yourself - you aren't doing it properly.
- Trust in others with lengths of sobriety. Show blind faith with them, and realize you know exactly ZERO about your own addiction. You aren't sober enough to see through all the crap it caused.
- Find a program and work it like your life depends on it - because it does.
Trust in a higher power as you understand Him even if your understanding is infantile, new, and scary. Because as you will learn, you can no longer do this yourself.
Well, I hope this helped some. Did I answer the question?
Sincerely,
Sawyer
