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Post by completelydone on Nov 13, 2007 22:55:41 GMT -5
Blackspiral, How did I miss this post?! It's a wonderful, freeing, peaceful place to be isn't it?! Thank you for sharing with others what recovery looks and feels like. So often PA's come here thinking getting past one day, or one week, is too much and they'll never handle recovery but "one day at a time". Thank you for sharing that it IS possible (I know, I'm ten years clean) to get truly free from it all. It can be a non-issue in our lives. Take care, CD
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Post by BlackSpiral on Nov 14, 2007 3:41:13 GMT -5
EDIT: High Priest of Irrationality? A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, one Curious Voyager bestowed this title upon me, and I was happy to accept it. I still have the hat, in fact. Addiction ain't rational - he knows it, I know it, and the rational arguments don't always work properly for it. It's a big bag of paradoxes and oppositions, and half of our challenge is working out which half we should build up, and which half we should be beating flat with a lumphammer (and also, which kind of lumphammer works best for the job). I also have a funny way of putting things sometimes. Maybe that helped me on the road to the crown. Incidentally, I'd like to thank my agent, who's been instrumental in helping me to win this award. It's a wonderful, freeing, peaceful place to be isn't it?! Thank you for sharing with others what recovery looks and feels like. So often PA's come here thinking getting past one day, or one week, is too much and they'll never handle recovery but "one day at a time". Thank you for sharing that it IS possible (I know, I'm ten years clean) to get truly free from it all. It can be a non-issue in our lives. Take care, CD Yes, it's wonderful! It's almost alien looking backwards to where I used to be; I remember the days when I felt that a week was hard, a month almost impossible and a year...well, I couldn't even contemplate it, so I can understand what it's like. But it's surprising how little time it takes to really build up hope, and to know that you can stay clear of it. In this place, even though I can remember how I felt four years ago, I don't fully understand it anymore; looking back, I can see how wildly distorted some parts of my outlook were, and it's strange to realise it. But at the same time, it's a blessing to know how far I've come away from that point. Life is for the living, after all!
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Post by BlackSpiral on Nov 14, 2007 3:54:55 GMT -5
And to the others - Mountain, Covad, Choselife, Geoff (with or without the capital g - I have to use the G, it's probably the compulsive in me), Ferd, PCF, Elphie, Witness, StepByStep, smart1, AmazingGrace and, of course, Mr. Voyager - my, aren't there are a lot of you? - thanks for the comments from each and every one of you. I'm glad that you get something out of my recovery; I hope those of you who're pursuing it yourself will take heart from my experiences, those of CompletelyDone who posted above, and those of others like Geoff who have long-term recovery, and be determined to pursue recovery to its end. The strangest thing of all is that the hard place is the beginning. People say wow, four years - but four years was little harder than three, or two, and in many ways it was a lot easier than one. The hardest times are in the first months, and the first year; it's such a short journey when you look back on it, no longer than the time from last Christmas to this one - and doesn't time fly? - but it takes a little faith, a little confidence and a little courage to walk it, and stay the course. After that, all you have to do is keep walking, and not listen to the voice of King Stupid who wants you to turn around and walk back. And finally... Is it true that you are writing a book? When will it be finished? Unfortunately not, although I've been asked this before more than once. For now at least, the closest I'm likely to come to writing a book on recovery is my journal (which I've backed up completely, and I'll be taking pains to move over to Wes's new board, assuming that there's a place for it there).
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Post by neverending on Nov 18, 2007 19:16:49 GMT -5
Congrats BS, and let me say that you've been quite the inspiration over here all these years. I can only hope that H has such sobriety some day (the sooner the better).
My best to you today,
Mel
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Post by canimrod on Nov 19, 2007 12:24:45 GMT -5
Congratulations BlackSpiral. I know what you mean about 4 years seeming so short. As I look back as well 4 years seems like just yesterday in the scheme of life.
I think for me though the greatest feeling about recovery will come the day that my recovery and sobriety will amount to longer than my addiction. That will be in another 20 years or so for me.
Fight the fight, and be thankful every day that you have made it as far as you have. I do and that makes everything easier each day.
Cognratulations again,
-ca_nimrod
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Post by Curious Voyager on Nov 19, 2007 14:55:23 GMT -5
In a way this thread gives me great joy but on another level it makes me sad. I was thinking earlier this morning and I'm not a morning person--Gee if only I could roll the clock back to 2005---but to what avail. If I could roll it back I would go back to my childhood and do so many more things right. I could avoid this addiction all together.
But then I know too that all of my experiences have made me who I am today and I am kind of happy with that man--so changing anything changes all. Because of my weaknesses I have gained also great strengths I would never have had.
But rest assured I have no intention of gaining any new strengths from screwing up. I intend to get all my growth now from positive experiences.
Love you guys! I feel a wee bit moronic but I'm posting this anyway-it won't be the 1st or last time I am not understood and that's when I'm talking to my Self.
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Post by BlackSpiral on Nov 19, 2007 21:27:13 GMT -5
Hell, I understand it, and I'm sure others do too... :-) I've wondered about that, wishing I could turn back the clock and change things. But if I did, I wouldn't be me; maybe I'd be shallower at the end of it, who can tell? If I undid the worst things of my life, perhaps the best things of my life would have been undone too; and maybe something else, maybe something equally bad or even worse, would have taken its place. It's hard to know.
Canimrod; I felt that way once, and remember thinking about it in those terms a lot, wondering how I'd feel then. But today...I don't know how to describe it, save to say that I'm fully at peace with myself; who I was, what I did, who I am, and what comes next, whatever that may be.
All the same, I imagine it'll make me smile when I realise that day has passed!
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Post by witness on Nov 20, 2007 8:35:05 GMT -5
I was just sure you had said that you were writing a book.
I like what you wrote about not listening to the voice of "King Stupid". This thing is so very irrational. My wife asks me questions about what I did and how I felt and how I rationalized it all. As I look at it I can see how foolish and selfish I was.
So now I pray for a healthy life, one lived by following "King Wisdom"!
And now that I'm on about day 110 I hope to begin counting recovery in months and years rather than days.
Blessings!
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