Post by ethanm on Dec 24, 2007 10:42:42 GMT -5
Well, I made it 180 days, the best to date. I noticed signs I was slipping a little, but never reported them. My wife found I was using Google image search for work with filtering off, thats unlike me and troubling behavior. I denied, I fought, I was STUPID. We are starting a 30 day separation in-house after the holidays. The Friday after she discovered the searches, she went out without me to a bar, and we had an understanding that she was free to act however she wanted, and by what she was wearing, I was admittedly very turned on, and sickened, because I knew what every man with a pulse at that bar would be looking at and buying drinks for. Since the door swung both ways, I convinced myself I was allowed now to do whatever I wanted for 30 days, and I went on a looking spree. I felt disgusted after about 15-20 minutes, deleted all the history, got up and MB'ed in the bathroom, just to clear it all out of me and get back to a normal state of mind. It felt empty and sickening. The next day, we talked about where we were, and the fact she couldn't bring herself to act out and flirt at the bar, and what obstacles there were that seemed impossible to get past. I broke down in the kitchen, I felt empty, torn, and the anguish for what I had done to her was just too much to bear. I couldn't breathe.
I told her about Friday (FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER I admitted the relapse, before the D-DAY and the lies.)
It felt like the words were sitting right at the back of my throat, waiting for the tongue to push them out. Just like always. I didn't want the pain, the pain to her, just like always. The addict tapped me and told me sweet lies about how we could a have a simple, isolated perverted life, it was all over anyway, right? Buddy, if you tell her, it will be like turning off the wife and a beast will emerge, to torture and rip you apart and tell you all the wrongdoing you have done was for the worst most spiteful and hurtful reasons.
I couldnt' do it. Couldn't listen to that voice anymore. All I could think about was her in her wedding dress, her sitting there, like every other time, looking me in they eyes, begging for the truth she knew she could never get. I had to at least try the truth, nothing left to lose. She didn't even have to ask. I just pulled it out of me.
The world didn't come to an end.
She didn't throw the computer at me.
I wasnt crying on my knees in the driveway watching her drive away, my kids crying for me out the back window like I pictured for some reason whenever I contemplated the truth.
Honest to God, how could I have been so STUPID. Now I know that the truth really does set you free, its not a figure of speech. Now I know I CAN DO IT, I can just drop the stigma and accept my mistakes and admit I really need the help.
I hope I can get her back, I know she has been quietly hurting ever since I spoke my crime. Maybe just wanting to hurt quietly so I can be motivated to tell more truth the next time around. She would hurt that much alone just to make me a better man?
I don't know. I have proof already that I'm a 1st class idiot, so I don't know.... but if it is that, maybe now she has hope that I can be honest, that progress is being made, and the lies ended.
All this right on top of the holidays. Again.
I hope I can get over my slipped disc fast enough to be my old useful self around the house, buy myself some time. Get back to therapy. She has to know at the least how badly I want my family.
So to all you addicts stuck in the loop of D-DAY and LIES, just TRY the truth as soon as possible after the slip. Odds are they can tell something is wrong, and honesty is where it is at. If your addiction REALLY has nothing to do with your spouse, if you aren't using it as a weapon to drive her off, if it truly is a stupid childhood coping mechanism, you should not be so ashamed or afraid to tell the one you swore to love and be truthful with. Whatever happens happens, but she has the right to know. Take it from an experienced idiot. It won't last with lies, and theres no place to hide it from someone who knows you so well.
I wish I had coughed up the truth a long time ago, and it's easy to tell yourself you will be truthful, but when it is truth time, you have to have the GUTS and the trust that your problem isn't the dealbreaker, but the lie is.
I told her about Friday (FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER I admitted the relapse, before the D-DAY and the lies.)
It felt like the words were sitting right at the back of my throat, waiting for the tongue to push them out. Just like always. I didn't want the pain, the pain to her, just like always. The addict tapped me and told me sweet lies about how we could a have a simple, isolated perverted life, it was all over anyway, right? Buddy, if you tell her, it will be like turning off the wife and a beast will emerge, to torture and rip you apart and tell you all the wrongdoing you have done was for the worst most spiteful and hurtful reasons.
I couldnt' do it. Couldn't listen to that voice anymore. All I could think about was her in her wedding dress, her sitting there, like every other time, looking me in they eyes, begging for the truth she knew she could never get. I had to at least try the truth, nothing left to lose. She didn't even have to ask. I just pulled it out of me.
The world didn't come to an end.
She didn't throw the computer at me.
I wasnt crying on my knees in the driveway watching her drive away, my kids crying for me out the back window like I pictured for some reason whenever I contemplated the truth.
Honest to God, how could I have been so STUPID. Now I know that the truth really does set you free, its not a figure of speech. Now I know I CAN DO IT, I can just drop the stigma and accept my mistakes and admit I really need the help.
I hope I can get her back, I know she has been quietly hurting ever since I spoke my crime. Maybe just wanting to hurt quietly so I can be motivated to tell more truth the next time around. She would hurt that much alone just to make me a better man?
I don't know. I have proof already that I'm a 1st class idiot, so I don't know.... but if it is that, maybe now she has hope that I can be honest, that progress is being made, and the lies ended.
All this right on top of the holidays. Again.
I hope I can get over my slipped disc fast enough to be my old useful self around the house, buy myself some time. Get back to therapy. She has to know at the least how badly I want my family.
So to all you addicts stuck in the loop of D-DAY and LIES, just TRY the truth as soon as possible after the slip. Odds are they can tell something is wrong, and honesty is where it is at. If your addiction REALLY has nothing to do with your spouse, if you aren't using it as a weapon to drive her off, if it truly is a stupid childhood coping mechanism, you should not be so ashamed or afraid to tell the one you swore to love and be truthful with. Whatever happens happens, but she has the right to know. Take it from an experienced idiot. It won't last with lies, and theres no place to hide it from someone who knows you so well.
I wish I had coughed up the truth a long time ago, and it's easy to tell yourself you will be truthful, but when it is truth time, you have to have the GUTS and the trust that your problem isn't the dealbreaker, but the lie is.