Self reckoning

[imtheoneincontrol]

"It's better to be hurt by the truth than comforted by a lie."

(Rough quote from memory.) _The Kite Runner_, Khaled Hosseini

Folks, I haven't been taking this seriously enough. Thursday night I acted out again. I downloaded tons of titillating garbage and masturbated until my penis was red. That's just the truth, and I don't wish to disguise it with any euphemisms. A penis is a penis. It's the same penis I was born with and I used to rub against my sheets as a boy. I've often heard it said that porn use is a normal thing. I've heard that it's natural for guys to look at porn and masturbate. Well even if it's normal and natural for the general populace, I don't believe it's normal and natural to spend hours and hours and hours on it (I believe I spent about 5 or 6 that night) to the point of potentially damaging the skin of one's penis. Educated in the Catholic tradition all the way up until college, I sometimes feel I've been the product of a repressed attitude towards sexuality. I think I use that as an excuse, though. I think I use too many goshdamn excuses.

I thought I had a healthy self-esteem. I thought I loved myself pretty well. What's happening, though, is that I'm letting one side of myself, the side that lusts for sexual contact with beautiful women, damage the side of myself that has too much self-respect for this business. It's hard to square the reality with what I thought was true. I'm thinking it perhaps isn't true that I love myself after all. If I loved myself would I allow this to go on and on again and again? I rub lotion on my penis after an all-out flesh fest and think this is good enough. But it's not. I need to get real.

Right now I'm finding it so difficult to think about the future. I'm not making any resolutions or anything. I'd like to just focus right now on the plain and simple truth that I've been denying for so long. I can't continue this porn fixation and still say that I love myself. These things are inconsistent.

[sprinter]

I don't have any advice for you, but I just wanted to say that I read your post.

[pac2544]

I read your post , too. I am at just about the same point as you. I can't seem to stop even though I go to therapy and come to this board. I am at the stage where i just don't stop even though I want to. I like to fantasize , but I really don't want to act out with a woman. I want to avoid them because I don't have the energy for sexual relations with a real woman. I feel like I won't ever stop. Even when I think about not looking at porn, for me that is just about the same as wanting to look: porn is still in my mind. I don't mean to vent on your post, but it struck me that you are experiencing the same thing as me.

[imtheoneincontrol]

Thanks folks. I've been thinking about this. I CANNOT claim to love myself and continue on with the porn binges. One of them has to go. I love myself in most other realms of life. Christmas has been great, and I've been reading a lot of things I don't normally get to read. I've been hungering for a woman to come into my life, not just this butt-ugly girl who keeps asking me out. I hate to be mean, but she got womped with the ugly stick. I don't think of myself as a superficial guy, but I can't get myself to even look at her when we're talking. Anyway, I haven't been looking at porn or masturbating. My time so far this break I've spent with family and friends. I feel like I can get up and take charge of my life right now. I think I need to continue working on self-love, and recognizing that this uncontrollable demon will kill me if I'm not more leary of its presence. They say the best way to treat your enemies is to respect them. So I'll say this: I respect the addict. I am wary of his power and presence in my life. I know that I need to tread carefully with him.