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Dec 18, 2007 17:09:27 GMT -5
Post by notmylostlove on Dec 18, 2007 17:09:27 GMT -5
72 days of no P or mb behind me. Feels a lot like 1. Guess my problem is at this point, I don't know if I want this bad enough. I thought I did. For the past couple of weeks or so I have found myself wanting to mb again getting thoughts of "why am I even doing this?" and frustrated that I can't (well I can, but yeah). But every time I have successfully defeated an urge, I wonder why it is that I was moments from throwing my sobriety away. This is pretty much every day now. I have an urge and get pissed off that I can't do anything about it, beat it, and am so relieved that I didn't fall. Only to face the same thing all over again. I know this is all the voice (very valuable bit of info that I learned here that is one of the main reasons I'm sober) but lately it's seemed more and more like me. Even telling me things like, "why not just get it out of your system, at least you'll be reminded why you're doing this", or even telling me that I could take a break and mb without P for like a week and then get back to this. (Liar!) So I guess I'm just venting because this thing is really jerking me around and I feel like I'm on the edge...it's a wonder that I haven't fallen yet. Truthfully I have wanted to join this board for a while but held back because I foresaw myself not saying much and also because I'm a bit of a minority here being a girl. But I thought to myself if for nothing else I should join because I am so grateful to this board for helping me make it this long and actually be in "recovery" not just stopping P and mb which I have failed so many times before. When I found this board on Oct 6 it wasn't the first time I had seen it, but I had bookmarked it before then and forgot about it until I saw it again. Oct 6 was the last time I mb'd, my last P date was maybe the end of Sept but since I forgot I counted them both from the same day. In fact I almost binged that day but because of slow speeds after a few hours of trying I gave up. Later on thinking to myself maybe God didn't want me to. And I have been sober since Oct 7. I don't think I have ever made it this long before except with P, when last year I made it about 9 months or more without it from the beginning of the year (New Year's resolution) but after that it was pretty rough for the rest of the year and up until I came here on Oct 6. Now it's just stress really because of the weird feelings/communication/social problems I have to deal with now that I don't have P and mb to run to anymore. And I find myself wanting to mb not P so much just for the sake of getting a fix and escaping. I haven't cut fantasies yet because it's just not where I'm at at this point but I hope to, because they keep me so close to mb. Well I guess I'll end here and post before I change my mind... notmylostlove
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chad32
Full Member
Becoming pure again...
Posts: 117
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Dec 18, 2007 17:26:19 GMT -5
Post by chad32 on Dec 18, 2007 17:26:19 GMT -5
Hi notmylostlove - welcome to the board. It's fantastic that you have taken the big step of making your first post, and of being 72 days free of P and MB - that's a real inspiration!
Don't let yourself fall into the trap of rewarding yourself with a binge - it will only make things harder. For me, as the computer is the main source of my P addiction, I no longer go looking for P, but come here and post my successes and encouragement to others instead.
It's great to have more girls here - as you will be aware, there are all types here!
Keep posting and keep strong,
Best wishes, Chad
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Dec 18, 2007 17:29:55 GMT -5
Post by somedood on Dec 18, 2007 17:29:55 GMT -5
First of all, congrats on 72 days of sobriety!! That is a major accomplishment! Now it's just stress really because of the weird feelings/communication/social problems I have to deal with now that I don't have P and mb to run to anymore. And I find myself wanting to mb not P so much just for the sake of getting a fix and escaping. I haven't cut fantasies yet because it's just not where I'm at at this point but I hope to, because they keep me so close to mb. Well I guess I'll end here and post before I change my mind... Let me preface this by saying I am now working on 8 weeks of sobriety from P and MB, so my experience may be somewhat limited, though i don't know if length of sobriety relates directly to "amount" of recovery. I think they keyword here is "escaping". I can relate to the fantasizing part, which for me is a gigantic contributor to the P and MB urges. I think if you want a decrease in the urges, you are going to have to let that part go. What have you tried recently to deal with the emotions / situations that you would normally use MB or P to deal with instead? I am realizing more and more that I have a hard time dealing with my emotions, where the 2 most obvious ones are anger and frustration. Those two are what normally what I would resort to P or MB in order to deal with them, where it would obviously make them worse in the long term. I really do feel like an immature kid when it comes to this, but I try to identify what I'm feeling, and say to my wife (I don't know if you're married, but this could be parent, friend, etc.) "Man, I just feel <emotion> right now and it won't go away!!" That often helps the feelings not be quite so strong, and helps me deal with them a little bit better. I have no idea if this helps your situation at all, but I really do believe a lifestyle change is the only way to deaden the urges - and to do that we need to know what triggers those urges in the first place. One thing at a time though, I do think putting a cap on the fantasizing would make a significant difference, since it is also an escape behavior.
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Dec 18, 2007 20:08:52 GMT -5
Post by notmylostlove on Dec 18, 2007 20:08:52 GMT -5
Thanks for the replies chad32 and somedood!
It's like I know this and don't at the same time...sometimes all it takes is imagining myself falling to kill it, other times I get those "one last time" thoughts, and I know it's never one last time...it's never enough...I have to just remove myself from the situation to make it go away...funniest thing is I keep putting myself back there...
I try to journal everyday, that really helps get them out of me and figure out what causes them and what I can do about it. As to the fantasies...I don't feel like I'm strong enough to let them go...sigh...I mean I have been fantasizing since even before the P/mb started, I have always had a fantasy world to run to because of my social fears...it's like I can't imagine a life without them
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Dec 18, 2007 20:32:10 GMT -5
Post by Big Country on Dec 18, 2007 20:32:10 GMT -5
I would recommend joining a group and maybe attending a SA class. Sometimes finding an avenue to express your feelings helps relieve some of the pressure that seems to build.
I have convinced myself 100 times that one more binge would get it out of my system. The only thing that has gotten it out of my system is hard work and learning about what is going on inside of me.
What do you think is causing the escalation of your urges right now? What are your triggers? What is the urge trying to replace in your life?
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Rorke's Drift
Junior Member
If your ship doesn't come in, swim out to meet it.
Posts: 66
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Dec 18, 2007 20:54:38 GMT -5
Post by Rorke's Drift on Dec 18, 2007 20:54:38 GMT -5
Now it's just stress really because of the weird feelings/communication/social problems I have to deal with now that I don't have P and mb to run to anymore.
My question to you is...what are you running to instead to deal with stress of life? What are you using as a healthy release? Prayer? exercise? meditation? Playing with your pet? Everybody has something. You must figure out what it is and stick with it.
Going without P or MB for over 70 days without using this site I find to be legendary. I'm not a girl, so I don't know how you deal with it (i know it's different...being a dude), and I'm not sure if I can give yout the right advice, since I am a guy.
I currently haven't been able to give up the MB because i've used it as a crutch to help me fall asleep at night (no excuse). Game plan (goal) is to go 100 days without P. That's definitely a step in right direction. Once that is achieved I will go from there with what to do. I'm also looking for another girlfriend...definitely looking forward to it. A little love goes a long way.
Again, I would find a healthy release, define it as being "the release" for you, and stick with it moving forward.
Rorke's Drift
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Dec 18, 2007 23:37:17 GMT -5
Post by notmylostlove on Dec 18, 2007 23:37:17 GMT -5
Well, last month I was going through really bad anxiety about something...I believe that really brought these feelings back on intensely...anxiety is a real trigger for me, and depression also, but I feel like my depression is because of my anxiety. I know probably the reason why this is happening is because I'm on break right now and I'm not really doing anything, I've been procrastinating on finding a job, because that itself is a source of anxiety for me so I avoid it...but I think I am going to force myself to do it tomorrow...I hope... The things that I find help me are writing, praying, Bible reading and listening to music...and this board of course...with my writing especially (I like writing stories) I seemed to have lost motivation which always happens when I'm in school and I have to back-burner it even when I have good ideas...so when I finally have free time it's like I really have to work to get back into the flow of it. Unlike last year I don't have any assignments to do over the break, and of course having a pile of work is a real trigger for me too because I am a huge procrastinator...I know if I really threw myself into something, it would help a lot, but it's just the motivation to do it that I really have a problem with... Actually it was this site that helped me get there...don't think I could have done it without it Thanks for your replies, Big Country and Rorke's Drift!
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tw45
New Member
Posts: 28
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Dec 19, 2007 16:40:04 GMT -5
Post by tw45 on Dec 19, 2007 16:40:04 GMT -5
Hi and welcome
It is great that you have been able to stay sober this long. I can relate to some of your issues about facing unpleasant tasks. That and boredom are triggers for me. One thing that has helped me face those things that I would love to put off is to promise myself that I will do at least just one of those procrastinated things each day. The one bite at a time approach I guess has helped me a lot. The other thing that is good to remember is that once I begin doing one of those tasks it is never quite as bad as the dread I imagined it to be.
I would also suggest that you need to stop the fantasy. In my experience the thoughts and fantasy is like teetering on the edge of the pit clinging to some flimsy little plant. I can only hold on for so long. It is much easier to pull myself up and get away back to solid ground far away from the edge. And hopefully the further I walk away from the pit the less the chance that I'll fall in.
all the best
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Dec 19, 2007 23:04:35 GMT -5
Post by notmylostlove on Dec 19, 2007 23:04:35 GMT -5
Hey tw45, thanks!
In terms of procrastinating I used to try to-do lists and they never really worked that well, but I made one last night for today and I got done all but one thing on the list, which is a huge improvement.
About the fantasies that's a tricky one because I use them to sleep, and they're not always P-like...at least they don't have to be
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