Post by thelegoguy on Dec 17, 2007 5:12:12 GMT -5
Hi, folks
I'm new here - in fact, I'm sort of new as an addict. I managed to stay away from P until one day this Summer. I'm readying to attend college, and I didn't count on becoming addicted to P after getting through most of my raging hormone days. Now I'm afraid of being away from the eyes of my friends and family. I want to ask for your help, but first I need to tell my story. It's probably a bit longer than necessary, and I know it's probably not too different from anyone else's, sorry about that. But, If anyone can find time to read it I will be grateful forever.
I was by myself on the internet and I ran across a link to a website with tasteful nude photos for artistic reference (think Eve in the garden) It wasn't P, so I looked at it with wonder and appreciation, but I started to be aroused, and kept flipping through pictures until I reached a sexual climax. I had never done anything like that previously. That night I was so shocked I got no sleep at all, and the next day I had to stay home from work out of feeling so weak. I tried to get rest in the morning, but I can't sleep during the day, so I got up and looked at the pictures again - again vowing I wouldn't be tempted, but obviously the same thing happened. I went to Confession, and I was relieved to be forgiven, but I was dismayed at the priest's advice - he said that there is nothing wrong with admiring the female form, which is of course true, but too dangerous of a thing to tell me, and that gave me an excuse to return. (I blame myself, though, because I was a little confused about what I had actually done, so I think I gave the impression that I was just being overly scrupulous)
In another week I was sick again and I gave in again. 4 days later I expanded by using links from the first site, still all tasteful, so I wasn't opposed to looking at the outset, but again I started to lust. I heard there were nude pictures of a certain actress floating around, and I lied to myself, saying "hey i've seen nudes, what's the difference". On the news there were a few stories on nudists so I started to look at nudist sites too. I searched for "artistic nudes", but found much called artistic that was in reality softcore P. Soon I was in an habit of looking every other day.
Now, of course, through all this I had been neglecting important relationships. I had not been talking to friends, I would often disappear to my room while my family had company over, so I wouldn't be caught. When my brother would walk in I would hide the browser and crossly wait for him to leave.
But it got worse one day when I went to a URL written on one of the tasteful photos on the first site. The site had hosted those photos, but it was a hardcore P site. The first time I shut it down immediately, but soon I returned. I had never felt so bad in my life. I stopped for a few days and went to Confession, but again I tried to prove I could still look at nude women with respect, or at least that was my excuse, so I looked at artistic nudes again, a few days later convinced myself softcore P was no worse, and a few days after that finally fell back into viewing really perverted things.
That is now more or less my routine. My bad days, I find, often begin with neglecting my prayers, and at times goofing off in general. I never mean to go as deep as I do: I always make excuses to look at artistic, breastfeeding, body image, or nudist sites, and then work my way down to truly evil things as I become more and more aroused. Then I tell myself I just need to avoid exposure altogether, but within the next 48 hours, I'm making excuses again. As I haven't had anyone to check with during my times of poor judgement, it's been easy to make excuses.
Once I stayed away from P but MBed separately. I really hadn't noticed before that, that I had been MBing the whole time, and that made me see my sin much more seriously.
I just want to quit. I'm sick of being so far from the joy of purity. I'm sick of offending my God and my family.
So I tried installing a filter but it wasn't good at all; it hardly blocked anything, except a clean site I frequent as part of my hobby. I don't have much choice for filters because I'm using a Mac, and I don't have a credit card. I need real live help. I wanted to tell someone about my addiction but I was afraid of being judged. So I finally decided to join this forum. Now, I still plan to tell a close friend, but I think I need this first step.
I've already looked around these forums a bit, read advice, and I'm keeping those of you on the prayer list in my prayers. Please keep me in yours.
A quick question:
I know the temptation will always be there, but might I be faster to begin recovery because of the relative recentness of my addiction (5 months)? And does anyone else start having unstoppable shivers when they're tempted until they act out (and don't say I'm possessed
)
Oh, and sorry if I posted this in the wrong section.
I'm new here - in fact, I'm sort of new as an addict. I managed to stay away from P until one day this Summer. I'm readying to attend college, and I didn't count on becoming addicted to P after getting through most of my raging hormone days. Now I'm afraid of being away from the eyes of my friends and family. I want to ask for your help, but first I need to tell my story. It's probably a bit longer than necessary, and I know it's probably not too different from anyone else's, sorry about that. But, If anyone can find time to read it I will be grateful forever.
I was by myself on the internet and I ran across a link to a website with tasteful nude photos for artistic reference (think Eve in the garden) It wasn't P, so I looked at it with wonder and appreciation, but I started to be aroused, and kept flipping through pictures until I reached a sexual climax. I had never done anything like that previously. That night I was so shocked I got no sleep at all, and the next day I had to stay home from work out of feeling so weak. I tried to get rest in the morning, but I can't sleep during the day, so I got up and looked at the pictures again - again vowing I wouldn't be tempted, but obviously the same thing happened. I went to Confession, and I was relieved to be forgiven, but I was dismayed at the priest's advice - he said that there is nothing wrong with admiring the female form, which is of course true, but too dangerous of a thing to tell me, and that gave me an excuse to return. (I blame myself, though, because I was a little confused about what I had actually done, so I think I gave the impression that I was just being overly scrupulous)
In another week I was sick again and I gave in again. 4 days later I expanded by using links from the first site, still all tasteful, so I wasn't opposed to looking at the outset, but again I started to lust. I heard there were nude pictures of a certain actress floating around, and I lied to myself, saying "hey i've seen nudes, what's the difference". On the news there were a few stories on nudists so I started to look at nudist sites too. I searched for "artistic nudes", but found much called artistic that was in reality softcore P. Soon I was in an habit of looking every other day.
Now, of course, through all this I had been neglecting important relationships. I had not been talking to friends, I would often disappear to my room while my family had company over, so I wouldn't be caught. When my brother would walk in I would hide the browser and crossly wait for him to leave.
But it got worse one day when I went to a URL written on one of the tasteful photos on the first site. The site had hosted those photos, but it was a hardcore P site. The first time I shut it down immediately, but soon I returned. I had never felt so bad in my life. I stopped for a few days and went to Confession, but again I tried to prove I could still look at nude women with respect, or at least that was my excuse, so I looked at artistic nudes again, a few days later convinced myself softcore P was no worse, and a few days after that finally fell back into viewing really perverted things.
That is now more or less my routine. My bad days, I find, often begin with neglecting my prayers, and at times goofing off in general. I never mean to go as deep as I do: I always make excuses to look at artistic, breastfeeding, body image, or nudist sites, and then work my way down to truly evil things as I become more and more aroused. Then I tell myself I just need to avoid exposure altogether, but within the next 48 hours, I'm making excuses again. As I haven't had anyone to check with during my times of poor judgement, it's been easy to make excuses.
Once I stayed away from P but MBed separately. I really hadn't noticed before that, that I had been MBing the whole time, and that made me see my sin much more seriously.
I just want to quit. I'm sick of being so far from the joy of purity. I'm sick of offending my God and my family.
So I tried installing a filter but it wasn't good at all; it hardly blocked anything, except a clean site I frequent as part of my hobby. I don't have much choice for filters because I'm using a Mac, and I don't have a credit card. I need real live help. I wanted to tell someone about my addiction but I was afraid of being judged. So I finally decided to join this forum. Now, I still plan to tell a close friend, but I think I need this first step.
I've already looked around these forums a bit, read advice, and I'm keeping those of you on the prayer list in my prayers. Please keep me in yours.
A quick question:
I know the temptation will always be there, but might I be faster to begin recovery because of the relative recentness of my addiction (5 months)? And does anyone else start having unstoppable shivers when they're tempted until they act out (and don't say I'm possessed
)Oh, and sorry if I posted this in the wrong section.
Nudity and gazing at women is a definite No No if you ask me...