Afraid of sex

[imtheoneincontrol]

Ever since my sternly Catholic father admonished me: "No sex before marriage!" I've been afraid of sex. Growing up in the 80's I was constantly hearing about AIDS and other STDs. I've "hooked up" with a lot of women, but I always withdrew before it reached actual intercourse. I'm 30 and still a virgin. I'm a good looking guy. I work out a lot; I bet I could be an underwear model. I'm charming with women, but I tend to avoid them. At times I think it would be nice to have a girlfriend, but then I start thinking I wouldn't want all the problems and complications associated with it. I wouldn't want the pressure to have sex, either. It's odd. I've turned down so many frickin' women, and my roommate would drop his pants for any woman who would want him. I think these things are driving a lot of my abnormal behavior with pornography. It might be part of the reason other guys can look at it here and there and not use it like mad dog.

[hugs4u002]

perhaps using pornography is messing up your ability to be with real women.....hmm...you don't want the problems and complications associated with a
real relationship? perhaps you could share with us what kind of girlfriend are you looking for.........

[nina]

imtheoneincontrol said:

Ever since my sternly Catholic father admonished me: No sex before marriage!; I've been afraid of sex. I'm 30 and still a virgin. I'm a good looking guy. I work out a lot; I bet I could be an underwear model. I'm charming with women, but I tend to avoid them. At times I think it would be nice to have a girlfriend, but then I start thinking I wouldn't want all the problems and complications associated with it.

what problems and complications do you associate with being in a relationship? do you mean not being able to go anywhere you want to or do anything that you want to or having to consider another person's feelings and opinions? in my honest opinion, the longer you use porn as opposed to becoming involved with a real woman in a reality-based relationship, the more isolated you will become and the more you're going to shy away from the idea of having actual sexual relations with a real flesh and blood woman. you say you don't believe in sex before marriage. well, how do you think you're going to even reach the engagement stage without ever having cultivated an actual sexual relationship with a woman before? not saying that you can't find a woman who believes in abstaining from sex until after marriage because that's always a possibility. however, if you're 'afraid of sex' or the idea of having actual sex with a real woman, I just don't see how that's a healthy attitude to bring into a budding romantic relationship.

I wish you luck in your quest of trying to figure all of this out and trying to plan on where to go from here.

I wouldn't want the pressure to have sex, either. It's odd. I've turned down so many frickin' women, and my roommate would drop his pants for any woman who would want him. I think these things are driving a lot of my abnormal behavior with pornography. It might be part of the reason other guys can look at it here and there and not use it like mad dog.

I think at least part of the reason you like to use porn is because of how emotionally detached you can be from the subject of your arousal. you don't have to care about the woman who is seducing you with sexual poses and actions and you don't have to sexually please her at all because the total focus of this is on your sexual satisfaction, not hers.

I hope you can find a way to eventually regress from this way of thinking and to start thinking about and regarding women as PEOPLE who have hopes, dreams, personalities and souls as well as them also being sexual entities.

[completelydone]

imtheoneincontrol said:

Ever since my sternly Catholic father admonished me: "No sex before marriage!" I've been afraid of sex. Growing up in the 80's I was constantly hearing about AIDS and other STDs. I've "hooked up" with a lot of women, but I always withdrew before it reached actual intercourse. I'm 30 and still a virgin. I'm a good looking guy. I work out a lot; I bet I could be an underwear model. I'm charming with women, but I tend to avoid them. At times I think it would be nice to have a girlfriend, but then I start thinking I wouldn't want all the problems and complications associated with it. I wouldn't want the pressure to have sex, either. It's odd. I've turned d[quown so many frickin' women, and my roommate would drop his pants for any woman who would want him. I think these things are driving a lot of my abnormal behavior with pornography. It might be part of the reason other guys can look at it here and there and not use it like mad dog.

Yeah, that's kind of like the chicken or the egg. Does porn cause your shyness or does your shyness cause you to porn?

Here's a better answer.............

At times I think it would be nice to have a girlfriend, but then I start thinking I wouldn't want all the problems and complications associated with it. I wouldn't want the pressure to have sex, either.

You don't want intimacy. You want superficial relationships if you can't have a perfect relationship, so you'd rather have "perfect" women on paper. Unless and until you can see that the benefits of intimacy outweighs the cons, you'll still use porn. And so long as you use porn in place of close relationships, your life will be devoid of meaning. Life's about relationships, dude. That and your memories are all you've got that mean ANYTHING in this world. So, you need to choose which you want? Porn or life?

As far as the sex goes, it isn't worth wasting your time on if there is no love in it; and to have that you need emotional intimacy with someone first.

Take care,
CD

[sparksilence]

I know what you mean, I feel like a relationship would destroy my spiritual connection. Porn does also, so I don't know what the real answer is. I think Thoreau felt this way about sex also. Sex is animalistic whether it is with a real person or other ways. Sex is not the goal of life.

[imtheoneincontrol]

Thanks for the comments, folks. I have a lot to ponder. I don't think I'm as extreme as I portrayed above, but it definitely is a side to myself. My last girlfriend dumped me, I think, partly because I didn't want to have sex with her. It's not that I didn't want to EVER have sex with her, just that I didn't think I was ready for it yet. I really did want her, but I think maybe she got the impression I wasn't all that into her. Anyway, I felt this other one coming on to me the other night, but I'm finding it such a difficult thing just to pick up the phone and ask her out. Well, the adventure continues... I'm working on day 8 now, with some help from masturbation. I sort of miss my old girlfriend. There are a few potential new gf's, but I'm not feeling all that much magic at the moment. Maybe it'll come with time, I don't know. I do want intimacy, but I won't deny I also want pure flesh - dirty, dirty sex. I can't deny it. Another reason for my problems might be that I'm too polite with women. I'm not used to getting raucous in the bedroom with a real person.

[addict70]

Personally I dont see dating and P addiction in the same light. If my problem was I was out chasing women too much instead of wasting hours on end with P beleive me I would'nt be here. You dont have to have a serious relationship, or have sex, but why avoid women? I dont know what women you're hanging out with but the ones I know are'nt all that pushy. I should know I'm a super stud too.

Women are great, spend time with them, hang out, have fun. If nothing else they make good friends.

[Rorke's Drift]

Imtheoneincontrol,

I would make a suggestion that you read about "The Law of Attraction" and see how it applies to you. It's a law that exists, and it works just like "The Law of Gravity". It applies to everybody. When you understand it, and how it is being applied to your own life and circumstances, I think you will find the answers you are searching for.

The other question I would ask is are you always able to maintain an erection when you're with a girl? If there are any problems there, that may be one of the roots to your problem. Either way, I would suggest staying away from P for good. Make a plan for yourself how to do that. Execute it, and stick with it for the rest of your life. The Good Lord will reward you for your efforts.

Rorke's Drift

[facingit]

I think one of the interesting issues raised by this thread is that the whole "sex is bad" upbringing can lead to fear of sex/ intimacy and ultimately (ironically from a religious point of view) PA. Having a healthy view of sex is a real challenge in this culture. What I mean is neither seeing sex as the point of life - like so much of our pop culture promotes - nor seeing it as a dark and evil thing, like some religions make the mistake of.

[Big Country]

I was a virgin and so was my wife when we got married. Was it easy? No. Did I want to? Yes. Yet the only real problems with our sex life stem from my p use. Since I've been sober, it is great!

Perhaps the reason you shy away from it is because you believe, as I, that it really should be reserved for marriage. That's what the bible says and if you consider yourself a believer, I would go with it. I would also hesitate to take advice on sexual relationships from PAs. I'm not asking you to take my advice however, this one comes from the big guy.

[addict70]

silasmsmith said:

I would also hesitate to take advice on sexual relationships from PAs.

Excelent point

[imtheoneincontrol]

I would agree that women in general aren't very pushy when it comes to sex. However, I really did sense that I let my last gf down when I wasn't quite ready for it. We were very close to it, and I won't go into detail for fear of triggering information. In general I'm finding it difficult to be a strict Catholic in this culture of ours. People seem to think there's something wrong with you if you haven't lost your virginity by the time you go off to college. There's that; there's also the dissolution of traditional gender roles. No longer can a guy getting out of college expect to meet his wife right away and become settled into the career that will last the rest of his life. I'm not saying that's a bad thing. I'd love to meet a woman who has a great career of her own, it's just that I haven't met anybody who would be able to balance that with a healthy marriage. I've met many women with whom things would have worked out smashingly were it not for the fact that they or I were leaving in a matter of months to pursue another degree or another career. I haven't found stability with someone I'm really attracted to. I'm also very picky. I suspect some women think I'm gay. Maybe it's not that I'm actually afraid of sex; maybe it's more that I feel society has debased it so much. Sex seems like just a casual thing to do, like shaking hands. That really bothered me maybe 7 years ago. Then I seemed to loosen up quite a bit. That also turned into a porn habit, when days, weeks of unemployment and a boring social life turned into a repetitive binge cycle. I don't think I'm messed up for good. I'd love to make a plan to stay clean of porn the rest of my life. But long term plans are built on short-term objectives. You can't run a marathon without running a few yards. Thus I plan on staying clean of porn the rest of this evening. Once this project's over, I'm going to give that one girl a call. I'm not sure there's magic there, but I'd like to hang out with her a little more. Thanks folks, for your input.

[breakingfree]

Interesting thread, I wish I had more time right now to respond. But a couple of things hit me right away.

I would also hesitate to take advice on sexual relationships from PAs

I got a laugh out of that. I don't know that it is entirely true, but there is a something there. I guess I would qualify that by saying I would NEVER take advice from a PA still using, but would LISTEN to se* advice from a PA in recovery who is also actively working on relationship issues.

Hugs has a very good point

perhaps using pornography is messing up your ability to be with real women.....hmm...you don't want the problems and complications associated with a
real relationship

Except, I would change the wording to "USING P IS HOW CAN IT NOT? It totally messed up my relationship with Mrs bf which was really strong before my p use. How could ever expect to have a "normal" relationship, when all your intimate relationships are with pixels.

More later.

bf

[lifeforce]

Imtheoneincontrol -

Your story points up the bottomless array of issues that the P addiction touches on, and how what seems to be a simple addiction naturally links up with other hangups and personality kinks.

I feel like I have some right to offer feedback. I'm married and in a healthy relationship, and was once a major net porn addict (in recovery 5 years). It's a mistake to assume that women in general are not pushy about sex. Yes, if a woman dumped you after you wouldn't sleep with her, it's reasonable to speculate that she thought you were gay. Once past their early 30s a lot of women I know found that the supply of straight, single and sane men dried up as if they had gone out of style, and they became much more aggressive about sex than they had been when they were younger, just because of the decreased supply of eligible men and the increased competition for them.

I know I'm totally contradicting other well-meaning guys here on the board, but I do honestly think that your recovery from the P will be eased when you discover that a real loving and spiritual sexual experience is far superior to the fantasy. This doesn't mean you have to have sex before you get married, but if you want to be somewhat along in your recovery BEFORE you get married, I would consider it.

[completelydone]

Sex is a beautiful, natural, God ordained thing that husbands and wives do to share in an experience that expresses their love bond while bringing them into yet an even closer love bond. There is nothing dirty about the kind of sex God has given to us as a gift for pleasure as well as conception of children.

Dirty sex, is NOT the best sex. Dirty sex leaves a person feeling more empty than they were before they engaged in it. Same goes with p/mb. Unfulfulling to say the least in both cases.
Making love out of close emotional intimacy with your partner is the greatest, purest, grandest form of sex. That brings fulfillment, not the perversion.

Take care,
CD