Post by breakingfree on Dec 20, 2007 8:35:10 GMT -5
But I didn't.
Somehow I have managed to pick up a virus on my PC. It is a browser hijacker that takes you to various sites depending on what in currently in the browser window. When I clicked no-porn to go to the board I noticed I huge lag as it started to load, a separate window opened and I could see what was obviously a P site, slowly(thankfully)load. I hit the close window and turned my head. Didn't see anything, thankfully.
My PC is completely hosed, anti virus wont fix it. I am using my son's until I can re-install windows on mine.
The good news. I had NO desire to look(or wait and look) at whatever was trying to load. In fact, I felt a rush of panic as the window slowly opened, that I would not be able to close it. Interestingly, it was the same adrenaline fueled surge of panic that I felt when I was still using and Mrs bf came home early and I was desperately trying to close multiple windows and erase my history.
The bad news. I could have erased the browser history and told Mrs bf I had some OS issues and needed to reinstall windows.
CAN'T DO THAT, NO QUESTION, NO SECOND THOUGHTS. OUR AGREEMENT SINCE I COMMITTED TO SOBRIETY IS 100% HONESTY, NO LYING BY OMISSION, NO HALF TRUTHS. ABSOLUTE, RIGOROUS HONESTY ABOUT EVERYTHING.
So, I told her what happened. Did she believe me. Yes and no. Wanted to but 15 years history of lies, denial and deceit. I got scared and I KNOW I tried to over elaborate about what happened and why. She finally told me, "Stop! You are sounding guilty"
We had a long talk last night. I talked, I cried. Does she believe me? I would like to think so, but I know there are doubts, she told me she wants to believe me, but she has to be skeptical.
(expletive), why did this have to happen now? Our relationship has been going through such a renewal since I became sober. It has returned to the wonderful times of 20 years ago. We have been so happy . She posted in my journal the other night, she feels like we are newlyweds.
I'm pretty sure we are okay but I am scared. Yesterday I was pissed off about the incident. I was looking to pick a fight with someone. Today I can't see the keyboard through the tears.
Did I do anything wrong yesterday? No. But I was a very bad man for many years. I lied. i cheated. I broke our vows again and again. I all but destroyed our marriage. i destroyed her trust. I pusher her aside for my addiction. I tarnished our love. I was a very bad man worse husband. Maybe I don't deserve to be happy. I just feel like such a (expletive) this morning. It hurt so much to see her last night struggling to believe me, to trust me. I did this. I lied and lied and lied so now she cant trust me. I was a very bad man and I am truly sorry. I hope for the future but fear the past.
bf
Somehow I have managed to pick up a virus on my PC. It is a browser hijacker that takes you to various sites depending on what in currently in the browser window. When I clicked no-porn to go to the board I noticed I huge lag as it started to load, a separate window opened and I could see what was obviously a P site, slowly(thankfully)load. I hit the close window and turned my head. Didn't see anything, thankfully.
My PC is completely hosed, anti virus wont fix it. I am using my son's until I can re-install windows on mine.
The good news. I had NO desire to look(or wait and look) at whatever was trying to load. In fact, I felt a rush of panic as the window slowly opened, that I would not be able to close it. Interestingly, it was the same adrenaline fueled surge of panic that I felt when I was still using and Mrs bf came home early and I was desperately trying to close multiple windows and erase my history.
The bad news. I could have erased the browser history and told Mrs bf I had some OS issues and needed to reinstall windows.
CAN'T DO THAT, NO QUESTION, NO SECOND THOUGHTS. OUR AGREEMENT SINCE I COMMITTED TO SOBRIETY IS 100% HONESTY, NO LYING BY OMISSION, NO HALF TRUTHS. ABSOLUTE, RIGOROUS HONESTY ABOUT EVERYTHING.
So, I told her what happened. Did she believe me. Yes and no. Wanted to but 15 years history of lies, denial and deceit. I got scared and I KNOW I tried to over elaborate about what happened and why. She finally told me, "Stop! You are sounding guilty"
We had a long talk last night. I talked, I cried. Does she believe me? I would like to think so, but I know there are doubts, she told me she wants to believe me, but she has to be skeptical.
(expletive), why did this have to happen now? Our relationship has been going through such a renewal since I became sober. It has returned to the wonderful times of 20 years ago. We have been so happy . She posted in my journal the other night, she feels like we are newlyweds.
I'm pretty sure we are okay but I am scared. Yesterday I was pissed off about the incident. I was looking to pick a fight with someone. Today I can't see the keyboard through the tears.
Did I do anything wrong yesterday? No. But I was a very bad man for many years. I lied. i cheated. I broke our vows again and again. I all but destroyed our marriage. i destroyed her trust. I pusher her aside for my addiction. I tarnished our love. I was a very bad man worse husband. Maybe I don't deserve to be happy. I just feel like such a (expletive) this morning. It hurt so much to see her last night struggling to believe me, to trust me. I did this. I lied and lied and lied so now she cant trust me. I was a very bad man and I am truly sorry. I hope for the future but fear the past.
bf
