Post by davion2308 on Dec 14, 2007 14:40:53 GMT -5
I accidentally started a post in the partners' area. I guess I got excited. Let me begin again.
I'm a 25 year old male, living in the United States. I'm married to a beautiful, vibrant woman, 24, and we're happy.
When I think about my addiction, and I'm using the term for one of the first times here, I can trace it back to being 12. I started looking at internet porn when I was in 6th grade. I would stay up way past my bedtime to look at porn. In high school, I really couldn't go to sleep without viewing porn. If I didn't look at porn that day, I would lie awake, untired, feeling like my day wasn't 'done' yet. It became a habit, much like instinctually having coffee or showering in the morning. It was something I just did.
But when I was in the military, I never thought or worried about porn when I had no access. If we were out in the field for weeks at a time, I didn't suffer the way I think 'true' addicts do. I was focused on what I was doing, not on not having porn to look at.
So I didn't think it was a big deal.
I saw a few Penthouse magazines at my friends' places, but I never paged through them. Videos and DVDs are okay, I think I bought one or two over my entire life, but they really don't do much for me, either.
It's all internet-related porn that gives me problems. It consumes my time. I can go two or three days without it, but when I know my wife is working late, or I'm home alone, I look forward to those days. I feel like I need it. And then I spend a TON of time on the internet. I could burn 5 hours or 10 hours. Except for bathroom breaks and food, I could sit for an entire day in front of the computer. I know I should really go and do whatever I had planned for the day, but I can't drag myself away.
I read on cracked.com about the great internet porn-off. I have not looked at porn since Sunday, which gives me four days. That's not a huge deal, since I'm not on every night, but it is a small accomplishment. I'm going to try for two weeks straight. This is new for me to set a boundary or try to stop myself. I am compulsive by nature and I expect it will be difficult.
I use porn to escape life and I use porn to kill boredness. When I'm home alone, I hear the computer calling me. I hear it's siren song, calling me. I tell myself, "Don't do this. Don't go over there," but I do anyway. I can't turn away and I proceed to lose an entire day sitting and clicking.
I hope if I have a place where other people can hear (read?) about what I'm doing, I can take it more seriously. Now, you all have some expectations of me. Can I go two weeks? I will try my damndest. After two weeks? Who knows. I know I'm not supposed to set a time period because there will be a finish line, but I want to see what's going on.
I'm going to start a journal, so, please follow along and talk. I like having somewhere to turn to. I've told my wife about this, kind of, but I've never been completely truthful with the time spent on the computer. She knows I look at porn when she's not around, and she says she's not bothered, but it isn't fair to her. I'm doing this for the both of us.
Wish me luck! I'll be around.
I'm a 25 year old male, living in the United States. I'm married to a beautiful, vibrant woman, 24, and we're happy.
When I think about my addiction, and I'm using the term for one of the first times here, I can trace it back to being 12. I started looking at internet porn when I was in 6th grade. I would stay up way past my bedtime to look at porn. In high school, I really couldn't go to sleep without viewing porn. If I didn't look at porn that day, I would lie awake, untired, feeling like my day wasn't 'done' yet. It became a habit, much like instinctually having coffee or showering in the morning. It was something I just did.
But when I was in the military, I never thought or worried about porn when I had no access. If we were out in the field for weeks at a time, I didn't suffer the way I think 'true' addicts do. I was focused on what I was doing, not on not having porn to look at.
So I didn't think it was a big deal.
I saw a few Penthouse magazines at my friends' places, but I never paged through them. Videos and DVDs are okay, I think I bought one or two over my entire life, but they really don't do much for me, either.
It's all internet-related porn that gives me problems. It consumes my time. I can go two or three days without it, but when I know my wife is working late, or I'm home alone, I look forward to those days. I feel like I need it. And then I spend a TON of time on the internet. I could burn 5 hours or 10 hours. Except for bathroom breaks and food, I could sit for an entire day in front of the computer. I know I should really go and do whatever I had planned for the day, but I can't drag myself away.
I read on cracked.com about the great internet porn-off. I have not looked at porn since Sunday, which gives me four days. That's not a huge deal, since I'm not on every night, but it is a small accomplishment. I'm going to try for two weeks straight. This is new for me to set a boundary or try to stop myself. I am compulsive by nature and I expect it will be difficult.
I use porn to escape life and I use porn to kill boredness. When I'm home alone, I hear the computer calling me. I hear it's siren song, calling me. I tell myself, "Don't do this. Don't go over there," but I do anyway. I can't turn away and I proceed to lose an entire day sitting and clicking.
I hope if I have a place where other people can hear (read?) about what I'm doing, I can take it more seriously. Now, you all have some expectations of me. Can I go two weeks? I will try my damndest. After two weeks? Who knows. I know I'm not supposed to set a time period because there will be a finish line, but I want to see what's going on.
I'm going to start a journal, so, please follow along and talk. I like having somewhere to turn to. I've told my wife about this, kind of, but I've never been completely truthful with the time spent on the computer. She knows I look at porn when she's not around, and she says she's not bothered, but it isn't fair to her. I'm doing this for the both of us.
Wish me luck! I'll be around.