Do PA's want to do the things in videos?

[weepingwillow]

I haven't posted much on this board...But there is something eating at me.

Do Pa's want to do the things in the videos/pictures?

I mean is that why they watch it?

My h has said to me,about some of the "weirder" things that

"I never looked for it,I would never seek it out,I never enjoyed it"

but when I asked if he stopped mb to it,when it came up in a video
the answer was "no".

Hoping for some insight from the Pa's point of view.

Thank you

[chad32]

Hi weepingwillow,

Speaking personally - I wouldn't want to do the things I've seen in P pictures/videos. This might sound strange, but I love my wife and would never be unfaithful to her in that way. I used to see a kind of disconnect between viewing P and real life. I suppose it's a kind of fantasy world, but faced with that kind of thing is real life, I think I would be terrified and want to run away (I'm only guessing, because it's never actually happened to me)!

Now that I'm in recovery (39 days without P) I can see more of the lies inherent in P. It was poisoning my mind, and now I'm on the road to recoving a healthy mind, and no longer divided between 2 worlds - the real one and the secret one.

Now that I can see more clearly, I hate P and want to live only in one world - the real one, as a free and pure man.

Chad

[jonas612]

Hi weepingwillow:

I think it also depends on what the PA/SA is looking for when they are searching for P. For me, personally, I've got a particular thing that's my vice, so I tend(hopefully I can continue to say "tended") to look at just that type. If anything else came up, i'd normally skip through it if it didnt interest me. However, I think that differs from person to person.

I think the MB portion of things is kinda like a high, some people may not stop if they think that something they dont "enjoy" is just a small part of that. But again, I'm no expert on this, I'm just really learning about the whole thing. Personally, though, if theres something I dont 'enjoy', I would tend to skip it.

Hope this helps, all the best in you and your H's battle towards recovery.

-ed

[addict70]

Yeah, I'm completely ashamed to say it, but yeah a part of me wanted to do all of it. I've twisted myself into something I never wanted to be because of my use of P. That was one of the major damages I did to my marriage. Normal stuff just was'nt good enough anymore. In time I know I'll come back from that mess but that's not my priority right now. And if I dont come back, I'd rather remain celibate for the rest of my life than be that disgusting monster again.

[Max]

Hi, weepingwillow. I understand your question, but I don't know if it is so simple. I think some watch the things that they do want and haven't had. But others watch what they had maybe once and long for it again. Then there are others who just watch a lot of it because it intrigues them because it is all very alien to them.

In my case (married), I can say that I never sought out acts or situations that I hadn't had some experience/connection with. But it probably has a lot to do with me getting really "exposed" to P- sort of later in life. I can see the opposite being true for a young person with no sexual history at that point.

Interesting question, however I think there would be a variety of responses to this.

Best,
_Max

[coldturkey]

Personally I got to the point where watching it wasn't enough. I wanted to write my own porn stories using another female as my costar. That became more stimulating for me than actual porn once I found a random chick who got off on that sort of thing.

[completelydone]

Read the escalation of porn addiction. One of the final stages is fulfilling their fantasies in real life. So, it doesn't really matter whether they want to do it right now, if they continue on this path they will want to eventually. Some day the porn won't be enough any more and they'll either quit, or they will act out their fantasies with real people.

As an ex PA I acted out my fantasies quite often. I acted out what I saw in porn. But, then women do tend to act out what they see more than the men do. For men this seems to come at the worst cycle of porn addiction, where with women is tends to be there all along; both.

lightwave.proboards48.com/index.cgi?board=general&action=display&thread=1190327326&page=1

Look at stats on 3rd page of that link too. Very interesting.

Take care,
CD

[completelydone]

This might sound strange, but I love my wife and would never be unfaithful to her in that way.

That does sound strange because you already have been unfaithful to her in that way.

[chasmjumper]

Hell yes, I want to do those things in the videos. Now I get to do them too.

I'm kind of fortunate in that my girlfriend (well... Mistress) hasn't held any of the porn or the mess it has made of my life against me. It was actually during one of my attempts to quit porn that I found the confidence to approach her. Now I feel more loved and free to love than ever before. She doesn't see why quitting porn and masturbation is such a big deal to me though.

I watched porn because I couldn't get those amazing fun times in real life due to deficiencies in physique, personality, and finances. I've always felt like I have Casanova's hypersexuality, DeSade's creativity and taste, with all of Quasimodo's sexual appeal, so I gravitated to porn quite easily. It was the "perfect" refuge for an unwanted loner.

[straightpepperdiet]

Hey Chasmjumper, you stated you have a mistress, which means you are married. If you intend to remain clean from p*rn use then you better start getting honest, because you're still in the disease of sex addiction.

[chasmjumper]

straightpepperdiet said:

Hey Chasmjumper, you stated you have a mistress, which means you are married. If you intend to remain clean from p*rn use then you better start getting honest, because you're still in the disease of sex addiction.

LOL. Not that kind of Mistress. ;D

[weepingwillow]

Thank you guys for your responses and honesty.

My h has admitted mb to some truly disturbing things.It's hard to even look at him sometimes. Although he usually says that these weird things were only "1x or 2x" that he mb'ed to them.

That is why I asked the question,hoping to know if he'd really do those things if he could. Or I mean how can someone mb to things if they don't like them?

--edt929 said " If anything else came up, i'd normally skip through it if it didnt interest me."

When I brought this up to my h,he became quite angry. First saying that didn't apply to him,then yelling at me that if it's what I wanted to hear that maybe he did like it. So bleh,that left me just as confused!

[amaninfull]

WW,

It sounds to me that your husband is making a sincere attempt to be honest with you - he is going into the kind of detail about his porn activity that a lot of men (me included) find pretty hard to do. Your intuition that he may be holding something back could also be quite correct. Perhaps the way to get him to open up even more is through trust-building. Possibly letting him know that you appreciate the amount of disclosure he has been willing to share, and telling him that you are always ready to hear more, and won't judge him for whatever he tells you.

Good luck,
AMIF

[iambetrayed]

weepingwillow -

I think the answer to your question is : It depends.

No, it doesn't seem that many men want to do everythig in the p videos. They might want to watch it. They might happen upon it and be compelled by it, even if it is something that they wouldn't have thought up or actively sought out.

[trigger]I don't know if you have ever surfed for porn (I know - that's a really weird thing for me to say, huh?), but I have. During our disclosure process I made my husband tell me exactly what sites he frequented, and I looked at them. I did more than look - I spent a few afternoons while my kids were in school surfing around (wouldn't THAT be a topic at the next PTA meeting, lol). Anyway, my h had stuck to the short free clips, but the way that it worked was you would go there and there would be lists of "types" of porn kind of like a directory. It would list everything from types of s3x, hair color, ethnicity, all the way up to really disgusting topics and words. If you clicked them it would link to some site or another that featured that particular thing. Honestly, I clicked on a couple of things that I wish I hadn't (nothing too gross, I did of course avoid that, thank heavens) but a few times curiosity and disbelief allowed to to click on something I normally wouldn't even think about. I mean they have everything - from pizza men, to old guys wih young girls, anything you could think of - and TONS that you would never be able to think up on your bestt imaginative day. While I was certainly not getting any sexual charge - any charge, really, out of this - I have to say it was sort of like a train wreck. It was so bizarre - so horrible - that I couldn't stop loooking. So I can see how a guy who was into this might venture into stuff that he really isn't interested in. I just keep thinking to myself - who would do this? what would make a woman do this? It was pretty pathetic and sad. But as I said, I could see how they could venture somewhere without actually "looking" for it.[/trigger]

That being said, there are certainly guys who are watching things that they definitely want to do. There are guys who think about these things while they are in bed with their wives, there are guys who try to get their wives to act out their p fantasies with them.

Then there are guys who see the p as shameful or nasty and their wives differently and manage to keep the porn completely separate in their minds. They might watch stuff that they would never want their wives to do, butthey still might be compelled by it.

So it really depends on your husband. I flat out asked my husband why he watched certain types of things. Some things he had reasons for, others he just didn't know - kind of the train wreck mentality.

You can only know if your husband wants to do these things if he is willing to share that information with you. I know that you are new at this, and so the honesty and willingness to tell all might not be there yet. But as he works recovery, if he is very serious about it and really begins to change, he will tell you what you need to know.

And it is my opinion that you have the right to know as many or as few details as you want to - because that is the only way for you to ever make an informed decision about your relationship and truly heal.

[mo4wo1]

My experience with my SA H has been that anytime I had a hunch & asked him about it, if he became defensive, especially immediately, he was deflecting the situation on to me & guilty of having done that thing. Always. It's so much the routine that I have a line I speak to remind him of how I know better & blah blah blah. He's gotten better, though. He still regularly gets defensive but once it's been admitted to, he apologizes & the defensive rage disappears.

He's dealing with huge guilt issue from the pain he's caused me over the years, right now. he's getting better, IMO, and quite willingly admits to this pattern without my prompting.