How do you know you're close to acting out?

[≈ cease4peace ≈]

I wanted to address this question to the more experienced SA's, and would request SO's not to respond to this inquiry.

Basically, can you ever gauge how close you are to "acting out?" - have you ever been "taken by surprise" only to find out that you need to re-define how close you are to acting out in some occasions, or is this not relevant to recovery?

I'm just curious, because I am having personal difficulty in gaging how close I am to acting out. Often times I act out upon giving in to temptation, but didn't realize how close I was to acting out until I was on the brink. I am not trying to remove any responsibility for my acting out, but am pointing out that there are certain activities that increase probability of porn abuse. The problem is it doesn't seem to be so easy in identifying which activities actually increase probability and are mere superstitions in comparison to which activities will increase probability.

For example, avoiding myspace completely to me seems like a superstition as to going on myspace and checking out profiles of scantidly clad women is an activity that will increase likelyhood of me acting out.

Furthermore, I have noticed that if I am bored, lazy, angry, stressed, unmotivated, listless, resetnful, tired, frustrated, or even feeling like a champion I feel "entitled" to act out.

What I'm trying to do is see if there is some sort of science to this, to see if there is some way I can make it easy for me to avoid certain activities without being superstitious.

I really am kindly asking that experienced Recovering addicts reply (those who have been in recovery for atleast 1 year or more) and would also ask SO's NOT to reply tho this thread. Thank you in advance.

[googles]

I feel like passing out. Also get tinly and excited. Cant focus. HATE THAT!

[lifeforce]

This will sound simple, perhaps stupid, but I know I’m close to acting out if I get the very strong urge to remove the filter from my computer. That’s about it. Thankfully, it’s difficult to remove: I have to call the company that runs it and request the password for removal. They’re only open 9-6 Mon. – Fri., and I’m rarely home now before 6, and even if I am, nine times out of 10 I get voicemail saying please leave a message and we’ll get back to you as soon as possible. (Ostensibly this is because they only have 2 or 3 people manning the phones. But I have a suspicion that this is standard practice, to make sure you REALLY want to remove the filter.) If I do so, they will in fact call back, usually within an hour or so, and supply the password, but delay is enough for me to bring me back to myself and do something to distract from the urge, like take a walk or something.

But to go more deeply into the question, I used to get very strong urges to do the P when I had lots of free alone time and was feeling either depressed or bored. With experience I became able to recognize that sort of shutting down feeling, a spiraling descent into numbness that was the precursor to several hours of P. It would feel inevitable that I was about to engage in the behavior. The key for me eventually became, in addition to the filter, writing down a specific task or tasks I needed to accomplish on the computer, check them off as I got them done, and then turn the machine off.

[jonas612]

I know when I'm wide awake in bed, that's normally about it. If I'm wide awake and cant sleep, thats usually when I get up and want to "get the edge off". I get pretty antsy too. I make sure if I do turn the PC on, at least over the past few days, I pull this place up to make sure I dont even try.

[≈ cease4peace ≈]

lifeforce said:

recognize that sort of shutting down feeling, a spiraling descent into numbness that was the precursor to several hours of P.

Wow! This is exactly what I go through before I hit the P.. that shutting down feeling..Amazing... Now if only I could identify where it comes from, how it comes, and what activities increase the chances of getting that feeling, and what activities decrease the chances of getting it, I could probably beat this thing.

[mo4wo1]

I'm an addict who hasn't a/o in over 3 years whose also an SO. And my reponse is about my experiences.. so read this or don't.

[trigger]First, I'd start telling myself I deserved it, I had earned it & it was my right. I'd then get hyper, happy and short-tempered, like a kid.

Then right before, I would get that intense stomach churn-thing I would get, almost like the stomach flu. And I'd get all jittery and shaky... and even more hyper.

And finally the ritual before actually a/o would start.[/trigger]

[MrOuch]

c4p,

Q: How do I know I'm close to acting out?

A: I know I'm close to acting out when my eyes are open and I'm breathing. Basically, I'm close every moment of every day. There are a myriad of temptations in this world that want to entice me to act out. They assault me every day. If I let my guard down for a minute, I know that I will be tempted and I may not be able to resist. So, trying to figure out how close I was to acting out was, for me, a trap. This line of thinking lead me to a false sense of security. As if there was this magic threshold of closeness beyond which would lead to certain acting out. So, if I timed it just right, I could dance up to the line and be safe.

It didn't work. With all my dancing, I tripped and fell over the line. So now I accept the fact that the temptations of this world are relentless and I must be ever-vigilant if I am to be clean. I stopped trying to measure butterflies, or pulse rates, or sweaty palms. I just recognize that tempation is strong and I must be stronger to survive.

MrOuch

[ethanm]

I can feel the shift from "me" to "him" when I hear a suggestion to act out. A hint that I might follow through feels like searing hot, tense, but vile and poisonous fluid going through my body, I get numb and my rational voice fades. I still have bouts of that, but now my rational voice does not bow out, he screams at me to come back to reality. And so far, he has been the loudest.