Post by charafind on Dec 14, 2007 7:05:37 GMT -5
Hello to all.
I have finally decided to post and contribute after months of lurking and reading lots of threads and journals on both sides.
I am touched by the honesty and hope here. And by the pain and devastating things some have had to go through, due to P. use. I felt it was kinda of selfish to read and say to myself well I am not that bad I haven't acted out quite like that yet. I don't have a wife or SO, what harm is it, a lot of males indulge.Yet I have reached a point where my own use internet P and MB is causing me questions, confusion, self loathing, etc... Distorted thinking, self-centeredness. I apologize for my ramblings. My 1st post my not be the most congruent, and too long, please bear with me, and I sincerely appreciate all who read and reply. I could really use some help. To help filter out rationalizations and justifications and aim toward serenity and peace. I am an introvert by nature and do not like to disclose myself to much but I feel I need to share and get help with my confusion.
A little of my background to start with I believe I have an addictive personality. I can get addicted to most anything. I am also a recovering alcoholic with 10years of sobriety this month. With the help A.A. and the 12 steps. But my addictions have obviously branched out in other modes looking for replacement for the solace I once found in alcohol. Namely cigarette smoking, MB and internet P Cigs were always there even before the drinking got out of hand. But this board is about P use. So I will keep the discussion there.
I have noticed that I lot of members here are married or have been in relationships. I have not. Although I yearned and hoped for any kind of relationship with a female for years and years. Maybe trying to find an A.A. girlfriend ( have seen some relationships and marriages occur in the rooms , but I know it is wrong to try to seek it out there because it called 13th stepping. And if things go wrong it opens another can of worms. That can be devastating to both parties involved. I have prayed and asked God over and over, and over again to help bring a woman in life just for companionship and intimacy. Someone I could be with, not for just the physical part, but maybe for practice being myself with someone and taking an interest in her wants needs hopes, fears, aspirations, life, etc. Give her pleasure.
Maybe I am mistaken but I truly believe and here is where I need the help and comments. If I had a any kind of relationship or marriage maybe my porn and MB use would have not brought me to indulge and reach out for help here.
I know some here are married and in relationships but speaking just for me. I just don't understand if you have a LIVE women with you in the flesh why not develop that. I WISH with all my heart I had this. Not for s33X but just for the physical closeness of another human. Science research tells us you can dispute this, that humans need touch or they wither and die. I have not had touch for years and years. Now I am rambling and getting on my soapbox. But in all sincere honesty I really crave is< Hope this is not triggering for anyone< Is to feel a physical connection to a women hold her hand maybe and walk and talk. Caress her face and run my fingers through her hair and whisper sweet nothings. No S@x none of that for now. Just that and that period and I won't feel so weird and disconnected and such like a misfit.
Now my other confusion and I don't want to start a flame war or anything I not sure I should mention this but is troubling me and may be delusional .
Why do women get involved in p? not the high profile p actresses who do it for a living. But the internet p I see is "real people" College co-eds having orgy parties at fraternity and soroity houses at major college campuses all being filmed. And the other clothed people both men and women looking on and egging them on and taking pleasure in it. Or male strip clubs where there are 10's of women of all ages having sex and fooling around with the male strippers and having it being filmed and they know it. Looks like they're having a ball. No grimices in their faces. The women are not doing for the money or are they prostitutes. They seem to be showing off taking pleasure in this . What is your take on why these women are so "loose"? This were my rationalization kicks in. What do you make of it ?They are not being forced they are not on a p set with directors, etc. They are not acting. They seem to be having s$$x. Laughing, etc. This is were the discrepancy that porn is evil and vile confuses me. I need help here with my rationalization. here obviously, I am posting here because my use is affecting my life. I have developed the porn-eye when looking at women. And it pretty bad and I need it to stop.
This is my last comment my spirituality is pretty low questioning God, bargaining with God , doubting my belief in a higher power. with my A. A. aniver. this month no girlfriend, and deep loneliness for physical touch with another human. I would give almost anything to have a woman in my life, all you married guys and those with SO ,GF I really envy you, you should be so grateful that you maybe able to hold hands with them, stroke their arms, lean on their shoulder or whatever and just have any kinda of physical touch. Not in a sexual in anyway I mean. With someone besides yourself. It must be a most beautiful thing. You don't have to crave it it is right there, in front of your reality you can reach out and pat their hand or rub their shoulder or whatever turns you both on and say You know what today I need the energy of a touch of another human being today, and I am so glad that you are in my life today to do that with. Thats all I would ever wanted at this point. It has not happened for me in years. Thanks you for allowing me to post this here, Thank all those who have shared here and given me some hope. I could use any help. Thank you.
I have finally decided to post and contribute after months of lurking and reading lots of threads and journals on both sides.
I am touched by the honesty and hope here. And by the pain and devastating things some have had to go through, due to P. use. I felt it was kinda of selfish to read and say to myself well I am not that bad I haven't acted out quite like that yet. I don't have a wife or SO, what harm is it, a lot of males indulge.Yet I have reached a point where my own use internet P and MB is causing me questions, confusion, self loathing, etc... Distorted thinking, self-centeredness. I apologize for my ramblings. My 1st post my not be the most congruent, and too long, please bear with me, and I sincerely appreciate all who read and reply. I could really use some help. To help filter out rationalizations and justifications and aim toward serenity and peace. I am an introvert by nature and do not like to disclose myself to much but I feel I need to share and get help with my confusion.
A little of my background to start with I believe I have an addictive personality. I can get addicted to most anything. I am also a recovering alcoholic with 10years of sobriety this month. With the help A.A. and the 12 steps. But my addictions have obviously branched out in other modes looking for replacement for the solace I once found in alcohol. Namely cigarette smoking, MB and internet P Cigs were always there even before the drinking got out of hand. But this board is about P use. So I will keep the discussion there.
I have noticed that I lot of members here are married or have been in relationships. I have not. Although I yearned and hoped for any kind of relationship with a female for years and years. Maybe trying to find an A.A. girlfriend ( have seen some relationships and marriages occur in the rooms , but I know it is wrong to try to seek it out there because it called 13th stepping. And if things go wrong it opens another can of worms. That can be devastating to both parties involved. I have prayed and asked God over and over, and over again to help bring a woman in life just for companionship and intimacy. Someone I could be with, not for just the physical part, but maybe for practice being myself with someone and taking an interest in her wants needs hopes, fears, aspirations, life, etc. Give her pleasure.
Maybe I am mistaken but I truly believe and here is where I need the help and comments. If I had a any kind of relationship or marriage maybe my porn and MB use would have not brought me to indulge and reach out for help here.
I know some here are married and in relationships but speaking just for me. I just don't understand if you have a LIVE women with you in the flesh why not develop that. I WISH with all my heart I had this. Not for s33X but just for the physical closeness of another human. Science research tells us you can dispute this, that humans need touch or they wither and die. I have not had touch for years and years. Now I am rambling and getting on my soapbox. But in all sincere honesty I really crave is< Hope this is not triggering for anyone< Is to feel a physical connection to a women hold her hand maybe and walk and talk. Caress her face and run my fingers through her hair and whisper sweet nothings. No S@x none of that for now. Just that and that period and I won't feel so weird and disconnected and such like a misfit.
Now my other confusion and I don't want to start a flame war or anything I not sure I should mention this but is troubling me and may be delusional .
Why do women get involved in p? not the high profile p actresses who do it for a living. But the internet p I see is "real people" College co-eds having orgy parties at fraternity and soroity houses at major college campuses all being filmed. And the other clothed people both men and women looking on and egging them on and taking pleasure in it. Or male strip clubs where there are 10's of women of all ages having sex and fooling around with the male strippers and having it being filmed and they know it. Looks like they're having a ball. No grimices in their faces. The women are not doing for the money or are they prostitutes. They seem to be showing off taking pleasure in this . What is your take on why these women are so "loose"? This were my rationalization kicks in. What do you make of it ?They are not being forced they are not on a p set with directors, etc. They are not acting. They seem to be having s$$x. Laughing, etc. This is were the discrepancy that porn is evil and vile confuses me. I need help here with my rationalization. here obviously, I am posting here because my use is affecting my life. I have developed the porn-eye when looking at women. And it pretty bad and I need it to stop.
This is my last comment my spirituality is pretty low questioning God, bargaining with God , doubting my belief in a higher power. with my A. A. aniver. this month no girlfriend, and deep loneliness for physical touch with another human. I would give almost anything to have a woman in my life, all you married guys and those with SO ,GF I really envy you, you should be so grateful that you maybe able to hold hands with them, stroke their arms, lean on their shoulder or whatever and just have any kinda of physical touch. Not in a sexual in anyway I mean. With someone besides yourself. It must be a most beautiful thing. You don't have to crave it it is right there, in front of your reality you can reach out and pat their hand or rub their shoulder or whatever turns you both on and say You know what today I need the energy of a touch of another human being today, and I am so glad that you are in my life today to do that with. Thats all I would ever wanted at this point. It has not happened for me in years. Thanks you for allowing me to post this here, Thank all those who have shared here and given me some hope. I could use any help. Thank you.
