Hello - I'm new...and I need help.

[muse]

I'm 29. I've been addicted to P since 19 - when I first got internet access.

I sit here, writing this now - nearly in tears because I've tried to break this habit for several years now. Part of the problem is that I spend a lot of time after work at home - playing video games, or having a couple of beers with friends, and then onto the internet I go to look at P.

I've been single for a couple of years now, and I think part of the problem is it's been a while since I've had sex. My hormones are going bonkers. I know I should go out, meet more people. When I'm in a relationship it's very rare when I even feel the need to look at P. Maybe that's my solution, I don't know.

What I do know is I just want to stop. I want to stop it all. When I think about how much looking at this stuff has taken away my time and energy in the past 10 years, it almost puts me in tears.

I just want to stop. Stop it all. I've thought about seeing a psychologist about it but really - how much will that help? When I get horny - I end up having the urge...it's almost this uncontrollable urge to go surfing for it. I think to myself, "Ok, I'll just look at a few pictures." Then I surf deeper and deeper for more and more - until I finish. I hate it.

I've never been addicted to anything in my life. Not cigarette's, not alcohol, nothing...except for porn. Sometimes I really hate myself for looking for it.

Anyway - thanks for reading this and letting me post. It helped.

[imtheoneincontrol]

Welcome, muse.

Your story sounds a lot like mine. I think our relationships to the opposite sex are integrally entwined here, but I don't know that having a relationship and/or intimate encounters makes it go away. I think if you stick around you'll find some good advice here from veterans of the same old war. Recognizing you have a problem and genuinely wanting to quit are definitely the first steps. I need to repeat them over and over again. I have a problem. It has not gone away simply because I haven't acted out in a little while (for me a short 6 days so far - working on it.) I definitely do want it to go away. I recognize there are times when I don't. I'll try to continue planning for those times. It's like having a fire extinguisher at hand. I take some deep breaths. I try to slow myself down. I post here, or I leave the computer off altogether. I turn on a meditational album of mine. These things work, but they take time. I need to take the time. If I keep rushing around, I'll forget how to calm myself down.

[muse]

Thanks for the reply. I have been looking around and these forums are helpful.

I guess what I'm trying to accomplish is when I am wanting to look at P (horny) - then I guess I feel contentment in it. It's relaxing to watch it. My body is almost used to it.

I definetly want to get to the point where I am either A) not turned on by P or B) Have no inclination to go and look at it. What's odd is that I never thought it was a problem until I realized I felt so empty inside after I was done looking at porn.

I hate to say it, but it's definetly pushed me now to a very depressing, empty point in my life now. For a while, I didn't know what was getting me so down...so depressed until I realized what it was. It's this addiction. Everything else in my life is wonderful....except for the P addiction.

[tito29]

i doubt one cant be turned on by p coz its natural. state B is what the game's about. thats where i want to go 2. i realized that it was a problem, when i started ditching work to go look for p. :-) as said before, its the curiosity which gets us/me super charged and then its done. coupla hrs go by.... so i want to kill that curiosity.

a way im doing it right now is by telling myself, "son you've seen it all, give it up , its the same thing over and over, look at the outside world, the real world. start living there.." :-)

i went about 6 days free (first time ever) then 'relapsed' and now am back to 1.5 days. :-) lets see how it goes.

best of luck 2u man.


ps. damm posting here helps. even if no one replies to you. :-)

[breakingfree]

Welcome to the board, Muse

Please use this board as a foundation for your recovery. Read, share, vent, ask questions. START A JOURNAL TODAY (start a new thread in the journal forum).

When I'm in a relationship it's very rare when I even feel the need to look at P. Maybe that's my solution, I don't know

. Addicts DON'T have healthY relationships. Until you can begin to come to grips with your addiction, your relationships will be tainted by it.

IMO, stay away from any alcohol. Try coffee shops instead. Mrs. BF and I were discussing last night the high risk associated with my ingesting of any alcohol while home alone. One of the dangerous side effects of any amount of alcohol is a lowering of inhibitions. Lowered inhibitions, no SO, no one at home, broad band connection= DANGER DANGER

Develop a recovery plan TODAY. START FOLLOWING IT TODAY.

The best to you, my brother.
bf