To My friends on the "other side"

[megan11]

I'm still around, LOL
Things have been pretty crappy around these parts but i have another question to ask you all with SO's
My H is dealing with his guilt, or trying to deal with his guilt. Our issues are more of a lack of showing that he cares, and he said something that i do believe, He doesnt know how to show me he cares about me. He doesnt know what to do to show it. Yes, i believe him and i "think" it may be a factor from his guilt?
How, after the dust settled a bit, did you show your SO that you truley love them?
From an SO's stand point, saying doesnt mean much after an ordeal like this, actions do the speaking, but where and how did you start to show your love and care for your SO?
I appreciate your help on this one and think i will show him your replies so maybe he will know where to start?
Thanks all!

[breakingfree]

Megan,

Nice to hear from you again.

As far as feedback from the Dark Side

did you show your SO that you truly love them?

Every day in every way, BUT we have 25 year old relationship that was grounded in and built on intimacy and sharing. Truly I have spent the last 15 years totally trashing this, but Mrs. BF was always true to her vows(unlike me) and has stuck it out , at least partially because she remembers how really good it used to be(and is slowly returning to)

I need to add this:

I do have to consciously remind myself EVERY DAY to quit being a stupid, foolish, egocentric (expletive), and put her first. Old behaviors patterns are hard to break. I WILL NOT LET MYSELF TAKE HER FOR GRANTED EVER AGAIN.

All the best
bf

[jonas612]

Megan:

My personal troubles, while not being limited to this addiction, have been apparent since my SO and I started dating back in 99. Because of that, she's been very accepting of this, which, while being another bump in the road, is not the worst thing thats happened in our life together. I'm truly blessed for my wife, every bump that happens, shes right there and says, "We'll get through this."

On my end, I constantly show her how I love her just by listening when my illness(es) become too much for her. It's difficult, for sure, and in the wrong mindset it may sound like she's attacking the core of my being. But letting her vent her frustrations with aspects of things not only helps her get things off her chest, it allows me to know whats bothering her, so that I can address it. Sometimes, I can't address it, and I just listen and absorb what she has to say. Fortunately for me, she's been very open about this, as I have with her. I do not lie to her about what goes on with this addiction, though I have hid it from her for long periods at a time. I think that's part of how we stay strong, there is an unabashed honesty in our relationship.

Communication is key, and it works both ways. As much as he has to listen to you and address your needs, you must also (and you clearly are at some level, having the courage and the desire to bring your H through this and help him) listen to him and address his needs.

Thank you for being out there (and here) for him in his time of need. Lesser SOs would have thrown in the towel, and you will be a pillar of support for him.

Stay strong, I hope this may help.

ed

[Curious Voyager]

I agree with BF

and the important thing megan is to work your recovery and heal you. If your H comes along that will be great. Also, my wife has had trouble showing me she cares too and that will sound really stupid--it does to me. But since I have been working recovery she has been learning or maybe it's because I am more accepting--OK short version--it all gets better with recovery.

[somedude]

I started by changing my actions. A lot of my conflicts with my wife came from my defensiveness, guilt/shame, and my hidden lies. I changed my actions and many of those defensive or angry or elusive or guilty responses that were hurtful and counter-productive went away.

I also accepted that she may need to ask me about how my recovery is going. She may also need to ask me if I'm doing anything. Since I forgave myself, and I no longer carry the debilitating guilt I used to, AND since I have nothing to hide, I simply tell the truth without being defensive about it. If she needs to ask, then I need to help her by telling the truth.

This rolls into my current state. As an addict, life was ALL about me. As an addict, I was a selfish and self centered person whose own comfort came first. I have to remember to focus on others first. Not in a way that would compromise myself, but in a way that is considerate of the needs of others, and conscious of my role as a person who can help to fulfill those needs.

Tim

[Big Country]

I think I agree with the above post in that I show my wife I care through actions. I don't believe your husband has an uncommon problem. This addiction will rob you of the ability to connect intimately on many levels. I wouldn't be surprised if you husband had had a difficulty making friends as long as he has been addicted.

I also think that finally being honest with my wife shows her that I care. At least it shows her respect, something she has done without most of our married life.

[ethanm]

Just the 100,000 little things that need done, I do them. Pick both kids up, do a few loads of laundry , litter box, take out the trash, make her coffee before I leave in the morning, every day doing the things that show I'm thinking about her and want her life to be better. Compliments, touch, spontaneous shows of affection, phone calls, and letting all I do be an open book.