"The Relationship Continuity"

[yalpiri]

Here's something I've been thinking about after some sessions with my therapist. We have discussed how my P. abuse have affected (as in "really messed up") my sexuality and how I need to get to develop a healty sexuality. As I was pre-recovery I used to look at girls more or less as sex-objects and as my self esteem was really on a bottom, I was isolated in my own beliefs that no girl wanted to get to know me. Now, this was not a especially good combination, and it was an evil spiral that only got bigger and bigger. The longing for a loving relationship was big and the dissapointmet and depression was growing bigger and bigger because I belived that I never would get any love in my life.

Now, after I've started recovery, I've started to see thing in a diffirent way. As I said, my therapist talked that I needed to develop a healthy sexuality. The p. used (and I'm still fighting) to be my sexuality. So I began to think more about this, and then I started to see the problem (the p. addiction) in a bigger perspective. And today when I had a another session with my therapist we talked about something he called (translated from my language) "The Relationship Continuity". I tried to search the web to see if I could find anything about this, but couldn't find any (I'm sure there have to be some, but it could be that it's called something diffirent). So I made an illustration myself in Photoshop:

img80.imageshack.us/img80/5884/relationcontiniumim6.jpg

This illustrate the diffirent phases we go through as we interact with other people. As you can see, I've defined two external "poles"; "Unknown" and "Sexuality". Unknown is where you don't even know the person, and in "Sexuality" you are as physical near an another person as you can. In a healthy relationship, either friendship or loving, there's many diffirent factors that have to work well, to make the relationship a good one. Of course the illustration that I've made here, is a rough sketch/template, but you get the picture of what I'm thinking.

For us p. addicts, that have been abusing and messing up our own sexuality, it could be a good part of our recovery to see this problem in a bigger perspectivity. As for me, I had really problems with communication with girls (because of the bad self esteem as well as the objectifying) and most girls remained unknown for me when I was pre-recovery. Now this works much better and I feel that I for example have to be better with flirting and openness with girls, something I need to practice!

As I started recovery I've sure learned a lot more of myself, of who I was, and who I really want to be! And when I see the problem in a bigger scale as this, It motivates me even more that I'll win this fight!

I'm glad to hear any comments about this, and what do you think of this?

[yalpiri]

I would like to add, that I was unsure in which board I should post this... if the webmaster think it should be in the general board, just move it there!

[eljefemaz]

Interesting realization you have had. I am not so sure I like the continuum just in that it moves from unknown to sexuality. Now, granted, you did say there are many other factors involved in a good relationship, and the point of the illustration is to get your sexuality healthy.

Here is my point: Sex is not the be all end all of a relationship. Unfortunately, the world we live in has made it such, but what will make a relationship really last is unselfish love, respect, and communication. I tend to think of the sexual aspect as the dessert.

In any event, I wish you continued success in your efforts.

[yalpiri]

I am not so sure I like the continuum just in that it moves from unknown to sexuality. (...) Sex is not the be all end all of a relationship.

Yes I'm of course entirely aware of that! I sould have pointed out that sexuality is how far a relationship COULD go. In fact most of relationships ends someplace inbetween, as friendship! And each of the factors in a relationship could be "zoomed" into, for example the communication factor vary from person to person, you have some friends that you are likely to be more open and honest to that other.

All in all, there's actually only ONE person that you would go so far as practicing sex with, a person that you really love. As for me, before when I was pre-recovery, each time I talked with a girl I would soon begin to think about the sex. Now I start to get more and more friends that is girls, and this was something I wasn't capable off before. I belive I will find love sometime, but as for now I'm actually happy that I've made a lot's of good frends (that is girls)!

But then, is it ok to practice sex with a good friend (and as friends) if both parts thinks it's okay (and both wants to), and in that way get to know your own sexuality to develop a healthy one?