The beast's biological weapon

[Three Legged Dog]

One of the strongest weapon that my AV beast has is the biological argument. It says that you are a man, you must release.

Realizing that this is not true has been one very large step in my recovery. In India, certain Holy Men dedicate their life to never releasing, they are considered most holy because of this dedication. I've known that for a long time but putting it to work for me is recent.

After a couple weeks, I find a balance that allows a rational response when the primal me speaks. And knowing that it is biologically possible to go forever is a key factor in that response.

There are other important factors in disarming the beast: enough rest, exercise, sensible diet, middle-age , and, for me recently, playing the native American flute (pure magic).

I am married and it is the period between two days and two weeks after we make light that is hardest for me. The balance just isn't there, the urges are so strong. Any help in this area would be greatly appreciated.

Regards and Blessed Holidays to All,
TLD

[mo4wo1]

You are correct. Release is not a need. Celibacy have never killed anyone.

"Make light"? Is that an innuendo? I want to make sure before I answer. Not innuendo! I meant "metaphor". Sorry.

[Three Legged Dog]

To mo4wo1,
Light is Love. What do the Asian symbols stand for?

[mo4wo1]

awm said:

To mo4wo1,
Light is Love. What do the Asian symbols stand for?

Thank you.

Amount of "light" is something that many struggle with, obviously. Was this by her choice alone or was it negotiated. Negotiations are part of a healthy relationship, IMO. TMI, I am sure & I will totally understand if you feel it's inappropriate to answer.

And it's a name I like.

[Three Legged Dog]

Name you like,

I think maybe you misunderstood, or maybe you understood too well. In any case, I was not and am not complaining about the amount of sex. We are into our forties with a four year old son. One makes quantity less important, the other makes it less possible. Once a week is about our average and I'm good with that.

My problem is the days following. I'm not after more "light" I just have the strongest urge to act out in these days. The problem is with the urges for P and MB.

To all: Why are the urges so strong in this period and what can I do?

[mo4wo1]

Awe...

I think I understood too well, maybe.

Why? I don't know. I know my battles were strongest when H was at his highest levels of a/o and was withholding from me or incapable after having a/o 2 or 3 times in a day. He had nothing in him left for me. During those periods, we would go between a week all the way up to a month or so without being "together". Frequency was a huge issue with me. And I am not willing to see it as a feature of my SA. Healthy relationships have issues when "lack of s**" becomes a problem, regardless of why.

The times I would/will get angry & grumpy a day or two after not being "together", those have a huge deal to do with me not getting my drug. I also saw this in H this weekend when I was sick. He got grumpy for a while, there.

Withdrawals, I guess.

[cammy]

I wonder if it is like hunger? If you never had to feel hunger because you always ate, how would you interpret a hunger pang? I would likely stuff a raw egg down my gullet, do anything, to resolve this unsusual discomfort.

Is your situation allegorical?

[mo4wo1]

Whose?

But it does make sense, having never really dealt with going without, the going without feels really tough... is tough!

[breakingfree]

Sometimes the sheer strangeness of this smacks me in the face like wet fish. Here we be in many respects total strangers, never to meet or speak face to face, yet we share our most intimate secrets,deepest fears,biggest hurts, highest hopes. And oh yes, talk a lot about s** without really talking about it. Strange, strange world of the CyberGroup.

Anyway, in answer to your question

I am married and it is the period between two days and two weeks after we make light that is hardest for me. The balance just isn't there, the urges are so strong. Any help in this area would be greatly appreciated.

I can only speak for myself. Pre-recovery Mrs. BF and I had reduced intimacy to " i really can't remember the last time" Drives and desires totally out of sync. Lately, we are in sync again. She desires, I desire, she is tired, that's okay we can cuddle(yeah the big tattooed guy DOES like to cuddle. It's been a long time since we had this kind of naturalness and spontaneity, BUT we did used to have it and it does appear to be returning. So, I guess my answer is I don't seem to have any significant "in betweens" now, but I sure did before.

bf

[Three Legged Dog]

Breaking Free,
Thanks. You have given me hope that time will resolve the extremes into more natural rhythms.

As far as the strangeness of this group, I agree, it is very very strange. But in a good way. You have the freedom to discuss things you could never discuss with anyone you actually knew, at least I couldn't. That freedom seems very strange but it has been the comic relief in my recovery.

Thanks again and Merry Christmas.

[here2learn]

Want a really powerful weapon of your own? If you haven't already, try fasting from dawn to sunset. It will kill your urges.

[facingit]

Hey Dog,
Good post. The period after I have sex (I'm not going to take your metaphor, although I like it) is also the time when my urges to act out are strongest. Seems contradictory, no? I don't know why this is. If I had to guess I would say it has something to do with the fact that releases changes your hormone levels. Testosterone levels spike until your body has reproduced the requisite ammount of semen? That is psuedo science and pure hypothesis - although I seem to remember reading about it in Men's Health or something like that. I may have the facts all messed up. Anyway, you're not alone, if that helps.

[corvidmortum]

TLD,

Take this how you will. I would like to make a suggestion to you that absolutely changed mine and my wifes life. We went to the "Five Love Languages Seminar." The information in this is absolutely amazing. I am not suggesting you go spend the tons of money to go to the seminar (we got to go for free), but check out your local bookstore and buy the books. They are about $15 and well worth the money, if you use what is in them. I had a problem similar to you. I felt the urge to act out, as I see it, because I needed to feel that love. I knew she loved me as I loved her. Neither of us knew how to show the other love.

I hope this helps.

Best wishes to you and yours,
Corvid

[LookingUp]

You can read about the 5 Love Languages at www.fivelovelanguages.com/ - then click on "Learn the Five Love Languages". I think that book was instrumental in helping me stay together during the difficult years; although he wasn't speaking my love language - at least he was showing love in a way foreign to my understanding.

If you and your wife are emotionally connecting during sex, and if PA happens as a way to numb emotions and avoid reality (as I've read); possibly the newness of that sexual and emotional connection during making love is still unfamiliar enough that you're inner addict is wanting to go back to the safety of anonynomity - where rejection can't happen and you can have the safety of not being known intimately and fully. The reason I wonder about this is the many SOs who have had mind-blowing, awesome sex with their PA and an hour or two later have found him mb to porn.

LookingUp

[addict70]

breakingfree said:

Sometimes the sheer strangeness of this smacks me in the face like wet fish. Here we be in many respects total strangers, never to meet or speak face to face, yet we share our most intimate secrets,deepest fears,biggest hurts, highest hopes. And oh yes, talk a lot about s** without really talking about it. Strange, strange world of the CyberGroup.

Maybe it's good. An internet forum comes with a degree of facelessness that helps us say things we would'nt be able to in day to day life. Honestly though there's alot of you guys I'd be happy to grab a beer or coffee with.

Got my own share of tattoos too. When I reach my first year clean I should get one to commemorate the event. Think I have some bare skin left somewhere. ;D