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Post by completelydone on Dec 11, 2007 13:56:44 GMT -5
Perhaps it's just a sign of my blindness, but I think so. My wife was a bit liberal with the "shame" last night with me as well as the kids (we have 6). A couple of them went to bed crying. My kids certainly don't have this addiction (I hope and pray that they never do!!) but the shame was there nevertheless. Please don't think that I don't recognize that I need to be a better husband, it's just hard for me to correct my behavior when I feel ashamed rather than guilty. BTW, I consider shame as a feeling of worthlessness (I've done wrong and so I must be an inherently bad person) and guilt as a recognition that I've done wrong and a determination to correct it. SG Was she attacking your behavior or your character?
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Post by SouthernGuy on Dec 11, 2007 14:06:27 GMT -5
At this point, I think she intended to criticize our behavior last night, but it came out as a comment on "how we are" rather than "what we did"
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Post by completelydone on Dec 11, 2007 14:20:29 GMT -5
Well, unless she is attacking your character, or your worth as a person, I don't think she would be trying to shame you. But, I wasn't there so I don't really know.
Did she have a valid point in what she said to you?
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tw45
New Member
Posts: 28
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Post by tw45 on Dec 11, 2007 15:20:55 GMT -5
This raises a very sensitive subject with me as well. How to deal with things when you genuinely feel wife is wrong.
First of all because of addiction baggage and our general shame and guilt, we almost automatically blame ourselves. Then even if we are able to identify that we are not at fault, because we are so indebted to wives for their support and forgiveness we are very reluctant to say anything about it. Sometimes that can build and lead to resentment. And sometimes if we do raise an issue the wife also feels like how dare you after what she has put up with.
On the one hand maybe we dont have the right to say anything and on the other if we dont then it can fester.
Thoughts?
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Post by mo4wo1 on Dec 11, 2007 15:37:53 GMT -5
tw45,
It's my opinion that if two people are in a relationship & one screws up, the other one has a right, if not responsibility, to hold the other accountable in an appropriate manor.
Don't know about your wife but if I screw up w/ my H & don't realize it, there ain't a way in Hell I'll ever know unless he speaks up & tells me.
So speak up!
Period.
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facingit
Full Member
One day at a time
Posts: 111
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Post by facingit on Dec 11, 2007 20:48:15 GMT -5
All, Last night my wife pulled out the shame tool on me. It had nothing to do with p, just support that she expected that I didn't provide. Now, I don't claim to be the best person in the world, and I certainly could be more considerate of her needs. But, it would have been better if she had discussed her feelings rather than resorting to shame. I've learned the difference between shame and guilt and have tried to let go of the shame whenever I start feeling it. This time though, I'm finding it difficult to deal with the shame that she dumped on me last night. I haven't acted out or anything, but today has started out pretty hard. Sorry for whining, but it's good to get it off my chest. SG There is a definite tendency to blame everything on the PA and the addiction. SouthernGuy is right - SO's are not always perfect!!! They are human and mess up too. Certainly many SO's have undergone trememdous emotional anguish because of PA, however that does not give him or her a carte blanche from all future cuplability. The trick is to not let this lead to resenment which can lead to acting out.
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Post by Curious Voyager on Dec 11, 2007 22:59:22 GMT -5
The trick is to not let this lead to resenment which can lead to acting out. INDEED it is!
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