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Post by Wayward One on Dec 11, 2007 0:49:30 GMT -5
Hi Everyone,
This could be just me but I wanted to know if anybody else experiences the fear of getting to know people because of what I perceive they'll think of me. It's gotten to the point with me of almost being debilitating in that I can't seem to get past just "polite" conversation. I don't trust people and it's difficult to share anything substantial because I don't want them knowing who I am. There's any number of reasons for this. Fear of being hurt, fear of embarrassment, but most of all I fear just opening up, even sometimes with my wife.
I always feel as if I have nothing to talk about with people outside of a group like this so I just don't talk. I make the normal small talk but nothing more. I always feel very awkward in situations where somebody isn't around who I know pretty well. I just run out of the "small stuff" too quickly and don't know what to say.
It gives me a really empty feeling sometimes as though I'm on the outside of every group and looking in. Explaining it to my wife is very difficult too. There is something that feels like a "wall" between me and everybody else, and it's frustrating trying to get through that.
Now granted I'm bi-polar, and that has a lot to do with some of my frustration. Still I have to wonder how much my addiction has put me into this too.
Is this just me or do others experience the same feelings.
Thanks!
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Post by pac2544 on Dec 11, 2007 5:13:00 GMT -5
I have the same problem. When I have been acting out I am even more wary of talking to people because of the shame I feel. This addiction is not one that you can go up to people and say 'I am a recovering porn addict' as you might say about alcohol or drugs. So there is a huge chunk of our lives that we just don't want to let people know about.
When conversations turn to the topic of ' so, what do you like to do in your spare time', no PA wants to say 'oh, I love to spend hours looking at porno clips and wanking off'. That pretty much will end my desire of extending small talk with another. So if we have another 'hobby' maybe new friendships can arise as yo meet people who enjoy the same things.
Peace
PAC2544
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Post by breakingfree on Dec 11, 2007 9:06:51 GMT -5
THAT pretty much says it all. Next time I am at a social gathering talking to someone really obnoxious, I think I will try that conversational gambit.
bf
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Post by mo4wo1 on Dec 11, 2007 10:09:40 GMT -5
THAT pretty much says it all. Next time I am at a social gathering talking to someone really obnoxious, I think I will try that conversational gambit. bf I'd guess most people would laugh, in the "proper" setting. Electronic Warrior, yes. This shyness is not yours alone. My H was almost crippled by it, at times. Since he's stopped P-ing & MB-ing he has noticed a marked change, especially at work! As the wife of an SA, I have become more reclusive than ever and it is in large-part a direct result of his addiction. My poor coping skills kicked in along with shame & sadness. My personal experience with my SA issues was a very out-going experience for me. And I believe as a result of my poor efforts to change (which was basically to just stop, i.e. "no recovery, just sobriety") I went in the total opposite direction. |
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cammy
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Post by cammy on Dec 11, 2007 10:50:28 GMT -5
EW - let me put it out there - I hate people. One on one they're alright. But in the abstract sense, I hate them. Useless skin bags, typically with not enough hair. Self-centred, inconsiderate so and so's. Don't believe? Try a little Christmas shopping Saturday. See what ya get. Oh, then drive somewhere.
Used to think pictures of people were much better way to go. Interact on your own terms. That proved a poor decision IMO. Now, I try to understand peoiple a little more. Discovered their insecurities were mine, their hopes, selfishness and all of it was shared by me. Recently, I've discovered people have just a touch more to offer than originally thought. So I encourage you to have patience.
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Post by Wayward One on Dec 11, 2007 11:20:58 GMT -5
I guess it doesn't help that I work from home and don't interact much with the "outside" world. I'm a web developer and so I spend tons of time in my "digital world" so it seems like I don't get the "analog world" around me.
It's just frustrating especially for my wife who's a very social and outgoing person. Which oddly enough is one of the things that attracted me to her in the first place. She's trying to encourage me to interact more with other men at church and elsewhere but it's not an easy thing for me.
I guess I never feel like I "fit in" anywhere. Like I'm always looking into a group from the outside.
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Post by breakingfree on Dec 11, 2007 11:41:28 GMT -5
EW,
I think you will find almost all PA's to either have poor social skills or doing their best to overcome their deficit.
I don't think it by accident that P*** became our "drug" of choice. Most other addictions do have a social component, sad and twisted, but still a social component. Alcoholics hang out in bars with other drunks. Drug addicts get together to score drugs and frequently use together. Gambling addiction, you've got the Casinos, the track, betting parlors. p*** addiction? Your social life is warmed by the glow of the CRT. Do we choose it because it because it is safer to "interact" with pixels on a screen, or because it reinforces and somehow makes our isolation less lonely?
bf
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Post by imtheoneincontrol on Dec 11, 2007 13:53:09 GMT -5
EW,
It takes effort to take an active interest in other people, but that's exactly what you need to do. I mean, you seem to understand that you need to make more of an effort in this area. Why not ask a stranger about themself? Ask a fellow churchgoer how long they've been coming to church? Are they married? Children? Try to relate what they say to your own life. Don't expect it to be easy right away. Think of it as a challenge. Little steps lead to great strides. Congratulate yourself if you just make a little more small talk than you did before. You need to start learning this.
Best,
Itoic
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Post by addict70 on Dec 12, 2007 16:10:57 GMT -5
I used to be really shy, but then I just decided heck with it, if people dont like me it's their problem and started introducing myself to people. Being shy to me is just a way of saying "Hi, I'm ashamed of myself" It was hard at first. I would be really nervous and sometimes even physically shake introducing myself to someone, but after a short time it just became natural to be sociable. I found out in general, people think I'm a pretty likeable and funny guy. Heck some people, lord have mercy on them, even like me.
imtheoneincontrol provides some good advice. A good trick is to find that thing you might have in common. Like last night I was at a place where I hardly knew anyone and I was bored, so I overhear a conversation where someone is talking about visiting the state I grew up in, so being my charismatic and sociable self I said "hey man, you should check out such and such, I grew up there" It kicked off a conversation and now I have someone to say hi to next time.
Body language is another big one. Make eye contact, and most important of all SMILE. People typically like talking to a happy guy.
Oh and is there anything you're into that involves social gatherings? like imtheoneincontrol says, church, hobby groups, sports, whatever? That's a great way to meet people because you already know you have a common interest. Just talk shop. "Hey what do you think of such and such?" or "Hey have you tried the new this or that?" It's OK to have benal chit chat and small talk at the start. That's when you're sort of trying eachother out. The deeper friendships come later with time.
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tw45
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Post by tw45 on Dec 12, 2007 18:25:17 GMT -5
I miss true friends as well.
For me it is not really about fear though. I spend all day dealing with people and I dont have a problem with being freindly happy and visiting as aquaintances and even friends but it just seems that I do not have friends that I can confide in anymore.
I think that as we get older and busier the ability to develope that kind of a relationship with anyone is limited to existing long time friends and wives. The elements of that level of friendship just dont seem practical. I seems that it bothers me more than I realized. I do have a friendship like that but we live on opposite sides of the country and the time difference makes it impractical to even talk on the phone. My wife is a great friend but some times it would be nice to share a male perspective. Sorry I dont really have anything constructive to say just that it touched a nerve in me and needed to ramble.
Friends can be a great asset in life dont give up. (talking mostly to myself)
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Post by completelydone on Dec 12, 2007 19:48:35 GMT -5
I think all porn addicts in differing degrees have trouble opening up, being close with anyone. That's what intimacy disorder is, which is one root cause behind PA. That doesn't mean we all have trouble socializing. I am a very outgoing person, but I use to only let the people in my life come "this close and no further"; and it does stem from fear. Fear of rejection, fear of pain, fear of whatever.
But, porn will NEVER be able to fill the hole we all feel. It is a false intimacy; a counterfeit for what you should have with your wife. It will never bring you fulfillment or peace. Only loving, deeply intimate relationships with real people can fill that void. It requires strength and courage to be vulnerable to another human being, but if you ever want a meaningful life it is required of you.
Take care,
CD
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Post by sparksilence on Dec 12, 2007 20:20:13 GMT -5
I have been thinking about this for a while, and struggling with it, It is much harder today for naturally shy people, because, most of the extraverts of the world are now spending more time, on computer, cell phones, etc. The natural social flow has been disturbed by misuse of technology. Most of the really outgoing people I grew up with are now spending most of their time, on facebook, and the like. (shutting themselves off from the world) Basically it means that people who are naturally shy, have virtually no one to turn to. We end up having to make an extra effort to break out of our shells, which was not the case in the 80's and the 90's. It was a trend that was ok for a period of time, but now has destroyed mankind. Scary
I am diagnosed as well, and I fear that the medication that I am on will interfere with who I really am, so when I talk to someone, I don't know if it is the real me that is talking to them. Trying to get to know someone is very very hard. I think part of it is that everybody feels that way.
Do a search for "Paul Virilio" and you will find some interesting literature on this "digital -analog world" stuff.
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Post by manonmission on Dec 12, 2007 23:04:27 GMT -5
I had two thoughts while reading all of your posts.
Reason 1.
Perhaps some people are drawn to porn because of "shyness" which often translates - not well practiced in personal interaction. I, however am the "never met a stranger type."
Reason 2.
It could be just one more case of the monster that loves darkness. the P.A. in us never wants anyone to know, because this addiction can not survive in the light.
I can't even count the number of people I have told about my addiction, and only one had a real long-term negative reaction, and now we're friends again. The truth is, the more real-life people who know - the more light - the harder time the addict has controlling your life.
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Post by imtheoneincontrol on Dec 12, 2007 23:59:44 GMT -5
Some of my shyness arises out of boredom. I get to a place, I start feeling bored, and then I tune out and would rather just go home. What I'm working on is this: just let it pass. Everything has its dull moments now and then. I need to keep sipping my beer and looking around the room on the slight chance someone might be interested in having a conversation with me.
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Post by Wayward One on Dec 14, 2007 22:36:32 GMT -5
Thanks everyone, there's been some really good thoughts here so far. I agree that alot of my problem stems from fear of rejection, or hurt, or "discovery" as it were. I seem to be "outgoing" to a point say maybe 5-10 minutes tops then I want to run and hide because I can't think of anything interesting to say and feel like people will be critical of me for that.
Also, my problem seems to be different between sexes. I have much more difficulty talking with men about anything meaningful than women. I have difficulty with women because I see through the eyes of an SA. Either they're not a conquest, or I'm trying to make them one.
Building friendships is definitely work. It's a work I've started, but am just frustrated with. Thanks for letting me vent, and providing a place to keep growing.
Good Luck to anyone else with this issue.
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