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Post by jonas612 on Dec 10, 2007 21:50:08 GMT -5
So I told my wife about my recent foray into addiction on saturday (after my last relapse on friday). I hadnt talked to her about it in 2 years, when she first caught onto my problem. While I feel good about telling her, I can't seem to outright say it.
I said something along the lines of "you know that thing that you found out 2 years ago when you were home checking the bills? yeah, well that happened again."
I can't say I look at P to her. She knows what I'm talking about, but I can't say what I do to her. Am I skirting progress by not being able to verbally say what I'm doing wrong?
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amero
New Member
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Post by amero on Dec 10, 2007 22:04:15 GMT -5
I'm pretty new to recovery, but I think what you may be struggling with is the shame and embarrassment you feel for your addiction. That's one of the first things that has to go I feel to have a successful recovery. You have to remove the shame of who you are and what you've done in the past. Focus on what you want in the future and how you're going to attain it.
So I think the fact that you can't say it to her is not the problem, but rather a sign that you feel shameful for your past behavior, which is a problem.
I'm sure someone a little more experienced will come along with a more in depth answer, but shame is something I'm currently removing and I'll tell you it's helping me everyday.
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Post by breakingfree on Dec 10, 2007 22:06:26 GMT -5
IMO, the most important part is the admission. l wasn't comfortable using the word P when I was using-okay let's be honest- I wasn't comfortable talking about it at all. I would say "surfing" or "viewing" or whatever. Back then, shealways brought it up. Now when we talk about recovery I still don't like using the word P. I will say "using" or "addiction". I don't like saying the word P. I think it is different now, I just hate saying that word. I think the word is a trigger for me, too many associations pop into my mind when I say it.
The key for me is to be able to honestly and openly discuss my addiction and the state of my recovery, not whether I use the word P.
bf
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Post by jonas612 on Dec 10, 2007 22:20:31 GMT -5
bf: That is exactly how I feel - I feel like as long as I'm admitting it, and as long as she understands it, and that I admit the wrong in it, it shouldnt matter that I can't actually say WHAT I'm looking at. I just really wanted to make sure I wasnt shooting myself in the foot by not actually saing the word. Thanks so much for both your replies!  |
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Post by mo4wo1 on Dec 11, 2007 10:12:53 GMT -5
IMO, you have to be careful to know what your real motives are WRT not calling it what it is. The less we say it, the easier it becomes to deny it.
P*** Addiction.
S** Addiction.
It is what it is, but be careful.
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Post by breakingfree on Dec 11, 2007 11:46:34 GMT -5
Mo,
I don't disagree, but I really won't use that word. In all honesty saying the whole word I still get that little twinge, a little anticipatory high from my actively using days.
bf
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Post by mo4wo1 on Dec 11, 2007 12:03:32 GMT -5
Mo, I don't disagree, but I really won't use that word. In all honesty saying the whole word I still get that little twinge, a little anticipatory high from my actively using days. bf I hear you. You are showing me that you are careful as to why you do not use that word. |
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Post by somedude on Dec 11, 2007 12:04:09 GMT -5
When I started back in recovery almost a year ago, I forced myself to use the words, never shortening it to less than porn. I used to type p, and to shrink from any utterance longer than that, but I decided for myself, that not saying it was not helping me. So I promised myself to say porn or pornography, even if it was uncomfortable.
It's a personal choice, but since the first part of my recovery was about fully facing my addiction, and fully feeling and processing the guilt and shame of it, I felt like I had to do it.
Tim
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Post by mo4wo1 on Dec 11, 2007 12:10:14 GMT -5
Somedude,
I get & agree with your point. Some days it's so hard to get the words out & others, it's no big deal. Just a fact to mention. I often feel so awkward typing it as "P" or "MB" here rather than the words "porn addiction". But seeing how it's a trigger to some here, I try to not do it. I had to go back && retype my original post on this tread & it felt so phony especially with the point I was making, lol.
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Post by somedood on Dec 11, 2007 16:04:44 GMT -5
I think a big part of the reason I got myself into the P part of my SA is intentional ignorance. I would intentionally not make a firm choice of what I would be doing when I knew a situation may arise that I could P and/or MB without being caught. It was much more convenient for me to then find myself in that situation and get overwhelmed with the urges to proceed with my addiction. This also furthered my feelings of being the "victim" of addiction, instead of holding myself accountable.
When I talk to my wife about it, I use the whole words. I don't want to further minimizing what I have done. For me, it was very difficult to use the words initially, but now it is easier for me to verbalize the actions without hesitating so much (even though I know it is something she does not like to hear, at all). I think it's important for me to do this, so that I don't attempt to make my past actions "less ugly".
I'm not a pro by any means at this, I'm working on week 7 of freedom from P and MB. I think taking responsibility for our actions is important, and being completley clear as to what those actions are helps acomplish that. That's my 2 cents.
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Post by everhopeful on Dec 11, 2007 16:08:44 GMT -5
Yeah, from the moment we discovered this site, SO has insisted that I actually say "P" and/or "MB" when we talk about it! I thought it was silly but have been doing it for him. Upon further thought, I must admit that when I used to say "porn" and "jerking it" I would say it with alot of venom/anger in my voice, I know my tone was really bad when I'd use the words which probably made him feel even crappier than he already felt. Now when I just use the acronyms, it weakens that venom, so perhaps it is a good thing. We certainly aren't hiding from it and discuss it pretty openly, just using the acronyms, that is.  |
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Post by zerotolerance on Dec 11, 2007 16:27:57 GMT -5
Humm, I know I'm on the wrong side of the fence here. But I think it is VERY important to call it what it is, and not make up fantasy names for it. The truth is the truth, and rather than thinking of p as the bad thing that calling it p implies, it seems to be, that users like to minimize it, sometimes waaaayyyy over the line into this fako good thing, that shouldn't even have a bad name like p, and blah blah more p lies. So I think this is a slippery slope area.
I also think being able to talk about it, with the correct terms, without playing semantic games, is a sign of maturity, and the fact that one can't, or won't, often indicates to me, or gives me the perception, that they are still not mature about it YET. Or as others have said, that they still carry childish shame about it, which needs to go in order for recovery to really work.
How can we think we have a good view of it, if we can't even call it what it is? What does that say about our view of it? Personally, I think it says we are still minimizing it. We have to get it in our hearts, minds, bodies, and souls, and not let any one part keep lying to any other part, nor others, nor ourselves in any way, about it whatsoever imo.
Sorry for the intrusion... I'll go back to my cave now.....
(And BTW I, and others, use p here, instead of p0rn, because I read on here once, where spelling it out can effect the advertising that is displayed. Evidently if we use the term spelled out, then the gobots think we want more of it, not less. )
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Post by breakingfree on Dec 11, 2007 16:51:17 GMT -5
Zt,
We can probably beat this one to death and it will spring back to life, like Phoenix rising from the ashes.
However, as PA I can only say it is with out a shadow of a doubt a triggering word for me and a
trigger is a trigger is a trigger
The far more slippery slope for me is to not be heedful of triggers. AT less than 3 months into recovery not using certain words is not a matter of but essential for my all too new recovery.
Ask me again in 6 months or a year and my response might be completely different
bf
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Post by somedude on Dec 13, 2007 13:42:41 GMT -5
All I can say is that it felt sickening to me to say and type the words masturbation and pornography, at first. Awkward. That's when I knew I had to do it.
Tim
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