it's becoming clearer

[sskeetr]

The term 'sex addict' is becoming clearer to me. The broad scope and depth!! wow. I can barely even look at a pretty face without my addiction acting up. I dont know what Im suppose to be feeling, Im just assuming, for now, any sexual drawn to feelings is my addiction. I am trying to understand that I have an addictive voice in my head. Recognize it when it speaks. Which I think righ now is just about always. I really hate this!!!
I know this has to get better, but how much better? and when?.......
I play some pretty heavy rock oriented guitar. which I always thought of as a release. Now I'm not so sure it doesnt irritate my addiction......
I am also coming to realize that P & MB is a fantasized emotional bond for me.... I go to Porn find an atractive female. Then completly.....emotionally and physicaly give my self to her. In a fantasized state of mind....then when its over I realize I just made love to a COMPUTOR SCREEN.....For the first time before I binged after 80 days this last time, I 'heard' my addictive voice! I asked my wife to have sex. She was acting like she didnt want to, and I swear I heard and audiable voice in my head say "If she doesnt make love to me Im looking at P.and I did. I didnt recognize that I had a audiable voice untill I read the 10 Keys. Then looked back and sure enough it was there. So as of today I have 1wk.

Take Care Sk

[tito29]

thats motivational man...

[breakingfree]

Sskeetr,

She was acting like she didn't want to, and I swear I heard and audiable voice in my head say "If she doesn't make love to me I'm looking at P.and I did

The reason this board is such an effective tool in my sobriety is the constant re-affirmations:

Yes, I am an addict and this is addictive, (expletive)ed up behavior I know this because I read so many posts with other's having exactly the same (expletive)ed up thoughts and thou gt patterns.

Your rationalization for acting out was one I used so many times only too find out-YEAH, SHE DIDNT WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO ME. WHY?? BECAUSE OF MY OUT OF CONTROL ADDICTION TO P.

The addictive voice is so persuasive but

IT ALWAYS LIES.

BF

[chad32]

That's so true, BF - my addictive voice always lies! I don't want to listen to a lier any more! I want to get back to being a normal, caring, sensitive man again.

Thanks for your encouragement.

Chad

[Big Country]

Congats on 80 days, here is what I have found. After 2 relapses in the past year, I've noticed that I have gone from thinking about p 80-90% of the time to around 1-2% of the time, and that is just quick enough for me to realize where my mind has wandered and I'm able to push it out.

That being said, I have been fighting this addiction for about 3 good years now and the last year really hard. Before that it was more wishing than anything.

80 days, even with a relapse is something to build on. You don't start over, you just took a step back. I bet if you relapsed once every 80 days for a year, you would be amazed at how much of your mind you have back.

I used to dread the thought of being all by myself, because I knew I would spend the time thinking of P. Now I can truly enjoy it.