relapsed...nuff said

[imtheoneincontrol]

P!ssed... very p!ssed right now. You can tell by the hour this was a bad one. 'Course they're always bad. When I was done I went looking for my favorite performer all over the net. All I could find was her doing the business. I wanted to know who she is. She shows everything, but the irony is, she's hiding herself away completely. I'm feeling frustrated and empty.

[ZeroM]

Have you considered locking yourself off from bad internet content? there is the available services which are/is free. It probably doesn't completely block but it does a good job. www.opendns.com

[tito29]

dammit after 5 great days, i slipped too. :-( felling stupid.

[unico]

Pornotopia promises everything and delivers nothing but emptiness and self-loathing. Steer clear my friend from anything remotely porn related. What were you hoping to find? - that she has two cats, a string of unsuccessful relationships and a serious drug habit??

take care

Unico

[facingit]

I recommend Wes's e-book. I think any interest in "adult performers" under any pretense is a relapse waiting to happen. There are organizations dedicated to helping adult workers escape that line of work... but it is an unhealthy thing for a P addict to even be thinking about a P actress. "First remove the beam from your own eye, then you can help your brother with the speck in his."

[breakingfree]

ITOIC,

Very sorry to hear about your slip. One of my last really long binges started out with my "casual" google about a P star I had seen in an MA movie. Two months later I was still looking, although I had forgotten about her.

Glad to see you back here.

bf

[Big Country]

It's amazing what we do to justify the little steps we take toward relapse. We can find good reasons for dabbling in triggers that start us down the path. For me, there are times where I might be home alone and I think to myself, if I look on the internet right now, I will probably relapse. So I abstain for the first hour and then I find a pressing need to check my email or look up someting. From there I think I want to hear some music, you tube, surfing and before I know it, I click on something I know is shouldn't.

Very small steps along the way, but they all lead to the same desitnation.

Now, if I'm ever on line alone again, it will only be with this forum open along side it.

[imtheoneincontrol]

Thanks folks.

Yep, it was completely stupid. My roomate went away SATURDAY night, but it was FRIDAY night I slipped. I was such a dumbass. We were sitting around with our neighbor, watching movies. Later after she left, he and I were just watching t.v. together. I saw what looked like a dumb single x porn movie on HBO, and I thought, "hey, here's a fun thing guys do together when they're together late at night and no women around." Dumb-ass. I turned to it. We gawked and laughed at how fake it was. Then he went to bed and I stayed up. I only turned back to it once, but then the idea became planted before I knew what was happening. I decided I would go to my room and turn the computer on and act out. I have no idea why. It's like something over-rides everything that's sensible and in my better judgment. I knew it would keep me up until the wee hours. I wasn't planning on 6 a.m., but that's what happens also - you lose the ability to get a realistic picture of how much it'll set you back. You forget how helpless you are. You wander back into it each and every time, and you feel like you have an IQ of about 10 when it's all over.

There's good news, though: I went to a party last night and met up with a female friend of mine. We hung around each other the entire night, and she seems pretty interested in me. We had a lot of incidental physical contact, and towards the end of the night it became a little more than incidental. It seems like it's been so long since this has happened, that I've forgotten what it feels like. At least I had forgotten how much better it is when it happens to you in real life.

[breakingfree]

ITOIC,,


Back on track and back to the program.

I CAN"T watch that stuff, even a lot of the R rated. I canceled all our movie channels to reduce temptation


One day at a time.


bf

[imtheoneincontrol]

bf,

Yeah. I was under the illusion of control while I was hanging out with my roommate. I should have known better than to even touch that stuff. If my roommate had changed the channel to it, I might have told him to change it or gone to my room. More likely I would have figured, "oh well, I'm not even feeling tempted. This is just stupid guy stuff to do when your bored and channel surfing." But I should learn how to take more active control of what goes in my brain. I'm curbing my t.v. watching, which I should be doing anyway. Well, Sunday night, back to the program.

[jonas612]

ITOIC -

I slipped too friday, just like I said I wouldnt. I was only 2 days in. Got back on the horse though, told my W, and am now 3 days in. I hope you're doing well too.

-ed