How did you tell someone?

[vicfuelack22]

I am starting to realize how important it may be to come clean with someone close to ourselves about this addiction. This board is great, but I don't think it is quite at the same level as telling someone you know well. In the past, I confided in a friend who was also struggling to give up porn. He actually ended up betraying my trust, so this worked out poorly. Since then, I have not talked to anyone about my addiction. I feel like it would really be a good thing to do so, but I am unsure who to tell and how to go about doing so. I feel like the friends I could talk to either don't have a problem with porn, or use porn and think that there is nothing wrong with it.

So, what I am wondering is, for recovering addicts, how did you tell someone about your addiction? Was there a lot of shame involved? How did/is it working out? Can you attest to this being beneficial/crucial to recovery, as I have seen people say here? I am 22 years old and single, so I'd be especially interested to hear from people in a similar situation who have come out of secrecy, but I am also interested in hearing everyone's experience in general.

-Vic

[phoenix]

Vic,

You bring up some valid points and concerns. Here's a past thread to check out:
lightwave.proboards48.com/index.cgi?board=general&action=display&thread=1177357637&page=1

Also, watch for a PM from me. . .

Success,

p

[ZeroM]

I am 23 and have been married for almost 2 yrs now. I came out to my already suspecting wife and it completely devastated her and me. There was absolutely nothing easy or simple about it. It was extremely shameful and extremely gut wrenching, but I had to do it. I am glad you are here and willing. You have to find someone who either has/had the same problem as you and talk to them, most people who have had some sort of S addiction are understanding. I found a lot of support and shelter from my local SAA group. I'd recommend going to a SAA meeting and seeing for yourself what they are all about. I know for me, my P came from my pc and the internet, getting rid of your primary and any other source of the content will help tremendously. I realized this may be something that would permanently dissolve my marriage, but after about ten years of dealing with this all on my own, I couldn't do it anymore.

[slamdunk]

Vic,

I am close to you in age, and also single; if you do confide in someone, please let us know how you get on. I have identified a close, long-term friend who I know will be understanding and loyal, and am going to try to talk to him; last time I saw him was with a whole crowd of other folk and I didn't get the chance - am going to visit him at the weekend and hopefully open up (while he is not a p addict - at least so far as I know - he is also going through a tough time in his personal life so I feel we could be of mutual support to each other.)

I agree this board probably doesn't beat the real thing, but it sure helps so keep in touch!,

and stay strong,
Slam.

[Big Country]

I second the advice to attend a SAA meeting and try and find an accountability partner. This will help in a couple of ways. Usually an accountability partner you get at an SAA meeting is someone who has been through everything you are going through, so their advice actually works as opposed to some well-meaning friend who has no idea how to help but wants to by giving advice. I remember one person who wanted well saying, if you just make up your mind not to do it anymore, you can.

If there is one thing I believe is that in 99% of serious p addiction, that advice does not work.

Another benefit is that they understand the amount of work that is necessary to beat this addiction. If you think you aren't going to be one bad choice away from relapse for the rest of your life, you are kidding yourself. They will encourage you, but also push you when they feel you aren't being committed enough.

After time with a good mentor, finding a good friend who you can trust is also important.

For me, I have a couple of friends, my wife, me meetings and this board. I feel very good about that support structure.

[fragile]

There was a guy from out of state who came to our youth service. He testified about his immorality problem.
I came up to him after church and said everything in short. I didn't want to talk too long and too loud and make it too obvious to everyone else...
No, there was no shame involved,... hope? yes...

[chad32]

I am 32 years old and have been married for 9 years and addicted to P for most of that time. I kept it really secret, but my wife did catch me once in the early years. I gave the standard excuse that it was a pop-up and I couldn't do anything about it - really convincing, yeah, I wonder how many people have tried that?

Anyway, after years of regretable and secret addiction, I told my wife the full story tonight. She was very stunned, but I'm so glad I told her honestly and voluntarily rather than being caught and forced to confess. She is such an amazing woman, I really need her help in my recovery, and to be accountable to her.

I'm sleeping downstairs tonight to give her some space, as I'm sure she has a lot going through her mind. I'm really sick of myself that for the whole time I have been married this has been going on and she has been generally in the dark about it. Well it's out in the open now, and it will be so much harder for me to turn back. I asked her to keep asking me what I am doing on the computer and don't accept pathetic excuses (how can anyone spend hours "checking email" anyway!?)

I'd like to try to find an accountability group on this board too, but for the moment, I want to try to love my wife with my whole heart first. If there is one really clear command in the Bible it is "husbands love your wives". I want to obey that!

Chad

[addict70]

chad32 said:

I gave the standard excuse that it was a pop-up and I couldn't do anything about it - really convincing, yeah, I wonder how many people have tried that?

Guilty of that one.

I never told her and just kept struggling with it for years. A few days off and then relapse, over and over. Eventually after a long binge I forgot to clear something out of the computer and got woken up in the middle of the night by a very upset wife who left to sleep over her mother's. One of the worst moments of my life. I think she was more disgusted with my dishonesty than whant I was looking at. We were divorced a few months later. There was alot more to it but I think that was the final nail in the coffin.

As far as now, I guess other than online I'm going it alone. I dont know anyone I'm that close too here I could talk to about it, and there's no way I'd tell my family. They're supportive but also judgmental as heck. (Well I guess then they're not that supportive either) A good therapist might be an option. At least then you're absolutely sure they're not going to tell on you. ;D

[fragile]

chad32 said:

(how can anyone spend hours "checking email" anyway!?)
Chad

My sister used to... lol. I literally watched her spend like 4 or 5 hours on email, because she thought it was "more fun" to chat with someone via email than IM

something off-topic I guess...

[tontoinsa]

In a quick answer.

"poorly"

Realize that your "secret" will hurt your loved ones in a very profound way. Your "secret" will reduce you in the eyes of your friends and family to a person of no standing.

Even if a person accepts you, that acceptance will always be tainted with your "Secret"

The solution is to accept your secret, let it go. Ask for help from others who know your pain. Accept that help.

I told my now "ex" wife before she or I were ready. And I know of many others whose lives were devastated with an inappropriate admission at an inappropriate venue, time, to inappropriate individuals.

This is not a "cool" addiction. It is not accepted as mainstream. It is repulsive to others. And many of those who belittle and are most repulsed are most likely addicts themselves or are susceptible.

Get a sponsor, or therapist to discuss your story before committing to reveal your malady. You just may save a marriage or career.

Blessings

[unico]

I spoke of my addiction to my therapist. It was difficult to broach the subject but opening up for me was like crossing a one-way bridge. It felt liberating and scary, but worthwhile

[lifeforce]

I first told my therapist. Then I just out and told my girlfriend. Once I actually made the decision to tell her it wasn't difficult. Actually telling people was quite liberating, really. Don't do it with shame, be proud that you're actually facing the issue, both with yourself and others.

[chad32]

Further to what I've said above, I think it really helped me to get 35 days free of P before telling her, and to get lots of encouragement and resolve from this board first. I think she has more liberal views than me on the subject and although she is a little repulsed, I don't think she minds soft P too much.

I told her that that is not for me. I hate all P now - I've come to my senses and seen what it does to me. I want to be free of it all - otherwise, soft P is just a slippery slope, and it's all about what it does to me and my mind/heart.

I feel a much greater sense of peace now and am glad I told her.

Chad

[nrobinson]

I wish I had come clean with my wife voluntarily. I've been getting stronger in my faith over the last year (kind of paradoxical to be a PA and getting stronger in faith at the same time) so I had half-heartedly tried to quit a few times, once even going a few weeks before falling off the wagon. Through conversation about an upcoming bachelor party, I divulged enough information to my wife about my problem that I decided to let it all out. Things would be completely different if I had come clean out of the blue rather than her prodding it out of me. I've been P free for 3 days and I don't have any doubt that I'm through with it. That may not be enough for my marriage, though. I feel good about myself and my direction, but I don't know what to do to help my wife through this. From the previous threads, it doesn't sound like marriages staying together is a very high percentage.