Post by SP on Feb 24, 2003 22:30:47 GMT -5
I had another session with my counseler and we were discussing issues related to myself. We couldn't meet last week so had lot of things to tell him.
Firstly he was glad that I took MB in a positive way and don't carry guilt and shame with it. He warned (as I expected) to keep an eye so that it doesn't become compulsive. He was bit worried about my 100+ hour working schedule in the last two weeks, warning again about self-rewarding trap. hey I still manage to slip two movies into it, and heck when I was into addiction, I would work 0 hr a week and yet wouldn't carry out any activity outside. This is lot heck better.
Second we moved onto about learning sexuality in a positive way. I think (and hope) I was able to explain my problem clearly. To recap, I was introduced about any sexual activity through pornography. All the acts related to sex which I first saw was in some visual porn media. The problem came up because it gave me a wrong picture. For long time I was wondering if that actually was what people do while making love. And the question arose because those images didn't have any feeling or emotions in them. So mechanical actions in pornography were big question to me (if they were real or not). At a later stage I spent time finding out what actually people do in sexual acts. And it turned out that some of the actions which I did see in pornography was real. (I never looked at extreme pornography). And along the way I came to realize the real truth about the pornography industry and I started hating myself. And also any sexual act was always tagged by 'porn' and hence I wasn't able to think about it without guilt and shame. Infact whenever I thought about it, my whole motive was to punish myself for some other fault (eg not able to do some work, not able to finish project etc). So my counseler advised me to learn sexuality in a more positive way and accept it as a part of normal human life. He suggested couple of books (which are not porn) but yet discusses these things. I hope that will help.
Another issue came up was about fantasy. And my counseler appreciated my values and concern about it. And we were discussing where is the limit. One extreme is people going to a strip club and objectifying some woman with know other feelings at all. The other person is fantasizing about his beloved wife/gf while sitting alone. And according to my counseler (and to which I also agree) the second situation is infact a part of his love for his beloved. Then comes the gray zone between those. You meet so many people in day to day life and what if you find someone in skimpy clothes ? Personally (hell if you don't agree !!) I don't find any creativity or reflection of your personality or image of your intellect in showing your skin off for no reason. If there is barely any difference between those men magazine pictures and a women in skimpy clothes, it will harder for me to treat them differently. YES, it is my personal problem. NO I don't stare at a women up and down while talking to her. But I also don't like women who have 'suggestive' body language while talking. Well they never got any favor from my because I cannot stand them (again my personal problem). Being single, where do I stand ? About whom can I think of ? Is it even reasonable to think of anyone without her permission ?
Putting myself as a women, would I like if I know that person next to me is fantasizing about me ? That is very clear question and with almost straight answer. Putting myself back into SP shoes, is that women married or someone elses beloved ? That resolves lot of problems. Even if that women is single, do I still have the right to hold her in my memory and take back ? Am I allowed to develop feelings inside me related to a women whom I just know or just saw ? How far is the limit ? Or I should keep myself totally quite and not respond till I hear anything from the other side (well I don't even know how a woman responds when she is interested in a man) ? So before she says anything should I seize my thoughts about her ? Yes how far can I fantasize about her ? When I was small, I DID fantasize about kissing and hugging some XYZ girl in my class. And at that time that was all expression of love I knew when it came about liking someone. So what now ?
Well our discussion hasn't ended yet and we would continue on this next time again. Just thought of sharing here. Wish everyone is doing fine.
SP
Firstly he was glad that I took MB in a positive way and don't carry guilt and shame with it. He warned (as I expected) to keep an eye so that it doesn't become compulsive. He was bit worried about my 100+ hour working schedule in the last two weeks, warning again about self-rewarding trap. hey I still manage to slip two movies into it, and heck when I was into addiction, I would work 0 hr a week and yet wouldn't carry out any activity outside. This is lot heck better.
Second we moved onto about learning sexuality in a positive way. I think (and hope) I was able to explain my problem clearly. To recap, I was introduced about any sexual activity through pornography. All the acts related to sex which I first saw was in some visual porn media. The problem came up because it gave me a wrong picture. For long time I was wondering if that actually was what people do while making love. And the question arose because those images didn't have any feeling or emotions in them. So mechanical actions in pornography were big question to me (if they were real or not). At a later stage I spent time finding out what actually people do in sexual acts. And it turned out that some of the actions which I did see in pornography was real. (I never looked at extreme pornography). And along the way I came to realize the real truth about the pornography industry and I started hating myself. And also any sexual act was always tagged by 'porn' and hence I wasn't able to think about it without guilt and shame. Infact whenever I thought about it, my whole motive was to punish myself for some other fault (eg not able to do some work, not able to finish project etc). So my counseler advised me to learn sexuality in a more positive way and accept it as a part of normal human life. He suggested couple of books (which are not porn) but yet discusses these things. I hope that will help.
Another issue came up was about fantasy. And my counseler appreciated my values and concern about it. And we were discussing where is the limit. One extreme is people going to a strip club and objectifying some woman with know other feelings at all. The other person is fantasizing about his beloved wife/gf while sitting alone. And according to my counseler (and to which I also agree) the second situation is infact a part of his love for his beloved. Then comes the gray zone between those. You meet so many people in day to day life and what if you find someone in skimpy clothes ? Personally (hell if you don't agree !!) I don't find any creativity or reflection of your personality or image of your intellect in showing your skin off for no reason. If there is barely any difference between those men magazine pictures and a women in skimpy clothes, it will harder for me to treat them differently. YES, it is my personal problem. NO I don't stare at a women up and down while talking to her. But I also don't like women who have 'suggestive' body language while talking. Well they never got any favor from my because I cannot stand them (again my personal problem). Being single, where do I stand ? About whom can I think of ? Is it even reasonable to think of anyone without her permission ?
Putting myself as a women, would I like if I know that person next to me is fantasizing about me ? That is very clear question and with almost straight answer. Putting myself back into SP shoes, is that women married or someone elses beloved ? That resolves lot of problems. Even if that women is single, do I still have the right to hold her in my memory and take back ? Am I allowed to develop feelings inside me related to a women whom I just know or just saw ? How far is the limit ? Or I should keep myself totally quite and not respond till I hear anything from the other side (well I don't even know how a woman responds when she is interested in a man) ? So before she says anything should I seize my thoughts about her ? Yes how far can I fantasize about her ? When I was small, I DID fantasize about kissing and hugging some XYZ girl in my class. And at that time that was all expression of love I knew when it came about liking someone. So what now ?
Well our discussion hasn't ended yet and we would continue on this next time again. Just thought of sharing here. Wish everyone is doing fine.
SP