SA and Dating

[endorfdm]

A friend of mine wants to set me up on a blind date. I would be very excited if it worked out, because I have been fairly lonely.

However I have a few questions. I haven't been clean that long should I wait before getting involved in a relationship?

Previous relationships have failed in part because I have been unwilling to connect, and have freaked out about closeness, how do you get around that?

[jake72005]

It's been a lot of years since I was in that first stages of "dating" anyone, so take this with a grain of salt, okay?

As I've been struggling for the last week, I've often wondered how single guys do this; being in a stable relationship has helped enormously, in a myriad of ways.

One question I never pondered was how you'd manage to do this if you were "dating" - especially in the early stages of a courtship that might actually be going somewhere.

My gut reaction is: I don't think it can be done. Sure, you could go on a few dates - as in have a good time with a young lady out to dinner or watching a movie. As not much more than friends.

But actually "dating?" I suspect rather strongly that changing this behavior requires giving that sort of thing a rest for a while. A long while, like a year. I think you'd find this messing up your efforts to change your compulsive behavior -- and I think you'd also likely mess up any chance with the woman, especially if you really like her.

I'd get your own head screwed on right first. Worry about women later. Which sounds a whole lot easier than it probably is, huh?

Maybe you could stay in touch, pursue this later?

I dunno. I could be very wrong about all that. Like I said, have a spoonful of salt with those thoughts. Just gut instincts. Just my two cents. Make it three cents - because although I could be wrong, I don't think so.

Keep us posted. If you DO decide to pursue this, your experiences might be helpful to a lot of people in the same boat.

[Metoo]

endorfdm said:

I haven't been clean that long should I wait before getting involved in a relationship?

Can't you just go on a date?

Although in principle, I agree with a lot of what Jake said, I also gotta say, what the heck, it's just a date! Go to a movie. Have coffee. Tell a joke. Laugh at her jokes. Sounds like fun.

And here's the cool thing that I think as PA's is a little hard for us to understand. You don't have to have sex with her. You don't even have to kiss her. In fact, because of what jake said, it might be better if you didn't. If she's looking for more than that, say "oh, that's cool, but I'm not ready for a physical relationship for a whole bunch of personal reasons." She might be a little hurt, but ultimately, she'll admire your honesty (and if she doesn't she wasn't worth your honesty in the first place).

Then, maybe you can be friends before anything else happens, and when you're ready, you can try to take it to another level.

I think this points up a little bit a part of our stunted values systems as addicts. We work on an all or nothing principle. Your buddy wants to set you up on a blind date and the addict in you is worrying about whether you're ready for a relationship. It's just a date.

If you think you're ready to be honest with her about not wanting to be physical too quickly, then you're ready for a date and I say, go for it. If you're not ready to be honest, then you aren't ready for a date.

There's my $.03. Inflation. It hits everywhere!

Peace.

[manonmission]

I tend to lean to metto's side. Learning to connect with people, yes even female people, has been a huge part of my recovery.

If you believe you can; get to know her, enjoy her company, enjoy yourself, and learn more about how normal people act and live - Then GO! If you are honstly having any doubts at all, maybe you're not ready. I'm married and I followed the same basic sequence with my wife, and it's amazing. Women are intersting, enjoyable people.

Just my opinion, but I hope it just helps you think things through.

[Metoo]

manonmission said:

Women are intersting, enjoyable people.

Amen, brother.

[jake72005]

Told you you'd get some differing opinions on this

But like I said, if you do pursue a little dating, share your experiences here. In reading back over the board, it seems that no one else has really tried it. Most people are either in relationships, or if single - holding off on relationships until they've sorted out some of their porn issues.

So you may be in uncharted waters. Leave a map behind for those who follow. And if you discover a new continent, consider naming it after me.

Good luck!

[endorfdm]

So after much thought I have come to the conclusion that I am sick of it all being about me. That was my addiction, and I fed it too well. However since I don't know about dating and feel like a stupid 13 year old (about when I started) I am going to take the whole dating thing slowly. Maybe if it works out I can bring some good clean fun into her life. Who knows, wouldn't be the first blind date that never got off the ground or just fell through so what they hay one step at time, and at least I may get a new friend and you can't have too many of those.

[DeaconBlues]

metoo said:

I think this points up a little bit a part of our stunted values systems as addicts. We work on an all or nothing principle. Your buddy wants to set you up on a blind date and the addict in you is worrying about whether you're ready for a relationship. It's just a date.

Man, you hit the nail right on the head. Before I started recovery, I would see every girl out there as my last chance to be "complete" or "happy." That if this girl I just met didn't want to go out with me, or not go out with me a second or third time, then I was convinced I was unlovable & would die alone. There was no such thing in my mind as "just a date." I'm so glad that's behind me. Still no girlfriend (yet ), but at least I don't have that all or nothing attitude anymore.

[ScaredamI]

endorfdm said:

A friend of mine wants to set me up on a blind date. I would be very excited if it worked out, because I have been fairly lonely.

However I have a few questions. I haven't been clean that long should I wait before getting involved in a relationship?

Previous relationships have failed in part because I have been unwilling to connect, and have freaked out about closeness, how do you get around that?

Hey Chemnitz, you sound exactly like me. I have been unable to get 'really close' to most women because i just don't trust them. My heart was stepped all over last summer by this girl who i had known for a year or so & its been really hard to me to trust any woman ever since. I'm trying to find my way around this problem too. I guess i just need to start over.

[DenialNoMore]

If things don't work out, be careful that this doesn't drive you to slip. One of the things that fuels my addiction is resentment and frustration towards women who have rejected me in my past. Try not to take it seriously like everyone else is saying.

[Tom]

Hi Chemnitz,

So, did you go on the date? How was it?

I definitely think you should go. I agree with a lot of the other responses. Have fun. Don't have sex. Work on the friendship part of it.

You write about loneliness and being freaked out about closeness. Hmmm. Sounds like there's a connection here!

Closeness is the opposite of loneliness.

This is a great topic to work on with a therapist. Or talk about with a friend. Or write about here.

I think there are a lot of us here (including me) who are "shy" and not very good at making connections with other people. And then we discover porn and masturbation, and discover we can survive without other people pretty well. Eventually, we start to realize that we are missing out on a lot of life, and maybe we should try to connect with a real person outside of our houses. But we don't really know how to do it. So we have to take a risk and learn.

;D

- Tom

[endorfdm]

I agree with you Tom, I need to work on being open and close and so on. However dating thing seems to have fallen through, as I haven't heard anything back, so I don't know if she wasn't interested or what. The irritating thing is that I just don't know what happened.

[Tom]

Hi Chemnitz,

OK, you just need more information. You need the facts.

Was your friend setting this up? Ask him what's going on, and tell him you're still interested.

If it doesn't work for some reason, it's OK. Try again!

- Tom