Phantom pains?

[speak]

I've been clean for a little while now (nothing huge yet, but over a week.. I haven't kept a day count) and I've noticed something. Mostly late at night when I'm laying in bed, I get these intense sexual urges. But not necessarily to view porn, because frankly I don't want to. I'm tired of that and done. But it's like my body is still used to releasing itself or something each day, and when I don't give it that outlet, inside it churns with this sexual energy it doesn't know what to do with.

Years ago, I used to lay in bed thinking sexual fantasies until I fell asleep. They would be detailed or simple, wherever my imagination went and that was a release, I guess even though I didn't MB or look at porn at that moment. But I even try doing that now to get my mind relaxed and I just can't. I can't have those fantasies anymore because I've grown so much beyond it, and I can't mentally find pleasure in depicting women in my head the way I used to.

So I'm seriously left with this sexual tension and no outlet for it, since I have no girlfriend at the moment. Any of you able to relate to this?

Fortunately I'm not giving in on looking at porn. The thought will occur to me, but it's just lost all its luster and power. It's just sad to me now.

[Sanchez]

speak,

I wrote a short story years ago about a man who woke up one morning to find that the lower half of his body had mysteriously been replaced by a mirror image of the upper half. His genitals were of course gone, yet he felt this curious, decentered sexual urge after a while, which slowly drove him crazy.

I didn't know it then, but perhaps I was trying to imagine what sexual sobriety might be like. At any rate, my story sounds a little like your post. Beyond that, I don't know what else to say about this, which isn't very helpful, I know. Maybe there is something to the Freudian theory of sublimation: "repressed" sexual energy can be redirected into another channel, e. g. artistic, administrative, physical endurance, what have you. Or maybe not. But something as simple as taking up writing or drawing, if you do not already do these things, might be of help.

I can so relate to what you said about fantasizing before sleep. I used to do this every night, usually not MB, and I still catch myself from time to time falling into the old ways. Congratulations on bucking it. I know it needs to stop altogether.

I also share your feelings of utter disinterest in and boredom with P. The last time I looked (which wasn't too long ago, but still), I felt that it was so stupid and boring. It did nothing for me. No MB. It's not just some stuff in particular (a certain website that I always go to) that has become that way for me, but all of it. No temptation to go out and look for something different. Which I would view as a good sign, were it not that this has happened a thousand times before.

So watch out--there's a bit of hubris in being so dismissive of it, as I've learned painfully. The desire for it can re-emerge with all of its former intensity at any time.

Take care,

Sanch

[Sanchez]

I guess I could put it like this: I watched a special on PBS last night about little people, dwarves, and the ways they coped with life over twenty years. One thing is certain: not one of them escaped dwarfism to become a person of average height. But all of them did come up with ways to deal with and relate to their conditions. Which is about the best that we SAs can expect, I reckon. I say this to you because you seem like a person who is intent on personal growth and development, which is great, though it might lead you to think that you can "overcome" this addiction by sort of growing out of it spirtitually. Okay, at some point I guess this could happen, but even for swamis the merest tinkle of a lady's ankle bracelet the other side of a tapestry wall can create tremendous inner turbulence, such that hours of meditation are required to settle the mind. If you plan to go a more traditional route in life, say, that of marrying and raising a family, then your senses will obviously be subject to much greater stimulation on a regular basis. But you'll also have an outlet, so it should be possible to strike the right balance and lead a normal life. But we have to keep working at it, probably until we're 90 years old.

Sanch

[Ian]

Believe me, withdrawal is real. And that's what you're starting to go through. Check this out:

www.slaafws.org/pamphlets/withdrawal.html

[schiller]

personally, i get those feelings when im not controling my thoughts as i should be. i would suggest taking your mind off of it, maybe listening to some calming music before you go to bed, or reading a good book. that will get your mind on something else. thats just my little suggestion.

[paradox]

Speak,

speak said:

Years ago, I used to lay in bed thinking sexual fantasies until I fell asleep. They would be detailed or simple, wherever my imagination went and that was a release, I guess even though I didn't MB or look at porn at that moment. But I even try doing that now to get my mind relaxed and I just can't. I can't have those fantasies anymore because I've grown so much beyond it, and I can't mentally find pleasure in depicting women in my head the way I used to.

I understand what you are saying about the atrophy of the imagination and the ability to fantasize. When we use the crutch of P to supply our stimulation, we don't "flex those muscles" enough to keep them healthy and in shape.

My experience over the last year is that, with sobriety and work on recovery, you can regain the ability to have fantasies again - ones that are healthy rather than the twisted ones supplied by P.

Now, what to do with that pent up sexual energy is an issue about which you will find many opinions here, and seems to be something that we all need to work out for ourselves. Some consider MB a "Middle Circle" activity, for others it must remain remain a bottom-line behavior as they find it inevitable leads back to P usage.

Hang in there, my brother.

Peace