NoTimeForThis - Reflection and Recovery Thread

[notimeforthis]

day 1:

Why?

I get an urge to look at P, out of no where almost. I'll be working on my computer and suddenly I start to wonder if there's anything new on the sites I always visited. Have their been updates, am I missing something that could be amazing.

Of course I'm not, and it's always the same thing over and over and over again. There is never anything "NEW" always the same emptiness and guilt afterwards, yet the same urges hit me again.

It's how I deal with those urges and SHUT them down before I make that first step to just peeking to see what's there. That first peek always ends in a slip. Possibly not that day but within the next few days it's the beginning of a landslide that gains momentum over several days of checking, watching, clicking, surfing for something new to find.

It hurts me because

1.) I know it's wrong, and I've been doing this for over 15 years to myself on and off.
2.) I am wasting time that needs to be spent on other things.
3.) These habits are effecting my over all life quality and happiness because of how I view everything.

I need to spend each moment INSIDE the moment I'm in. Focusing, enjoying and embracing that moment whether it's good or bad. Spend time alone meditating on happiness and what it means to lead a healthy life.

I can break this habit, but it takes one day at a time, with a focus on long term and being successful.

Abstinence is not enough. A re-structuring of my current life needs to occur so that I don't fall to my old habits, lures, and compulsions.

A new life plan where I set goals, work towards them, don't just give up because something is difficult.

A new plan where I achieve things because I want to and have planned to.

[wamu]

stay strong friend. this thing will not beat u. idk if my urges really come out of nowhere. but i hate to think i'm powerless to do something about it. i'm too dang stubborn 4 that. i'm barely on day 4 so what the heck do i know. anyway earlier this week i was sitting on the couch, and just sitting on the couch w/nada to do is a trigger 4 me (yes i'm weak), but for the 1st time in as long as i can remember i knew i wouldn't p/mb just b/c i choose not to do that. so that's what i'm going to do until it stops working 4 me, is just CHOOSE not to do it. it seems simple enough. i always look for the shortest, least complex answer. maybe this all started b/c my dad didn't get me a spiderman big wheel on my 6th b-day which led to feelings of isolation which acted out in general forms of complex dissillusionment w/my adolescent environment & drove me to the outer limits of my super ego thereby resulting in 15-20 yrs of hardcore mb/p. hey idk, i only took freshman psych in undergrad, but until choosing to do something else stops working, i'm going to lay off the psycho stuff for now. anyway i feel your pain. i'm right there w/you. so many peeps say it's good 4 u and there's nothing wrong w/it blah blah blah. but hows come we always feel like crap afterward? good 4 u my buttocks. how's come i never feel like a genuine jackhole after i leave the gym, hows come i never leave the gym in shame or feel like i let my family down after i spend 3 hrs studying for a test or feel like i'm ruining my life every time i clean the house. prob b/c those are healthy habits. man this world is jacked. whatever now i'm rambling. got to eat lunch.

[notimeforthis]

wamu,

Thanks for you comments. I've struggled for 2-3 years now with trying to stop P and MB all together. My plan has always been to JUST STOP. I've gone on 2-3 month long stints with the JUST STOP additude. How ever I'm beginning to realize that while I do need to stop, there needs to be other things that go along with stopping. Such as replacing old habits with new behaviors. Starting to move towards a healthier over all lifestyle. Picking up new habits to replace old ones.

I feel that I'm a smart fella that lets himself off easy, and is under achieving because of this not just in my addiction to P and MB but it spreads to just about every area of my life. When I think back to times in the last 10 years when I've been driven to succeed at something I didn't have a big problem with P and MB. I was focussed and had meaning working towards something else. I don't think I've had that for a very long time.... and I now just accept that I float through each day to the next just getting by.

When I feel bored, or am procrastinating that is when my addiction is at it's worst. Quite often it will show it's ugly face and off I go to start surfing b/c I don't have a plan in front of me for what I'm doing, or where I'm heading with my time at that point in the hour/day/week/month etc.

I wish you great luck as you strive to JUST NOT DO IT. As that begins to work I suggest you start moving towards a healthier life style over all. I know this is what must happen to transition from an addict to a healthy person who can live in today's hectic often crazed over sexed world... but we can do it. It just takes time.

I have come to realize there is no quick fix for an addiction to P and MB. Some people can stop cold turkey, others go in hot and cold fashion (such as myself) stopping and starting continually over a month, year, 10 years etc. But here is light at the end of the tunnel. I figure if someone has done something before (such as stop using P and MB) then I can do that to. I just need to discover the correct path to take me there.

Also there is no 100% correct path for everyone we all struggle differently for different reasons. We must read what others have done, what has worked, what has not. Take it all in, with a grain of salt and make our own conclusions from it... to formulate our own path to freedom.

I wish you peace and strength through each day you strive to be P and MB free, and that you can live for today, not tomorrow or what might have happened yesterday. Make today the best day you can and don't look back on it when you're going to sleep at night thinking you could have done better.

[notimeforthis]

The days that I am not tempted are those that I feel I must work EXTRA hard to keep my goals and drive of developing a new life top of mind. It's easy to become complacent when we're busy and don't have time to think about looking @ P or MB.

For me I know it's often when I'm bored, without a plan or motivation and procrastinating that I slip and sometimes that has developed into a several day binge. How ever especially at this time of year I find I'm so busy I don't even have time to think about looking @ P.

It's these days though that I want to be sure I keep it top of mind, and recognize that I must work at my recovery and building a solid foundation to grow on so the next day I have a temptation I am strong enough to not slip, to stand up and say that I'm not going to browse to that site because I know I don't want that any longer in my life.

In the past I've let my recovery fade away on the good days, and I was unprepared and not trained to handle the days when it did hit me over the head again. This will not happen this time.

Life is to short to live it in Hills and Valleys. While those come along with every day life I can choose not to create my own emotional ones and I do choose not to do that. Living each day to the fullest and concentrating on what is important to us is the only way we can come out feeling we've accomplished what we set out to do, and we did our best to achieve it.

I want to say I've done the best I can and did the most/best I can to make it a reality. So that's what I'm doing today!

[notimeforthis]

Happy Holidays to anyone reading this thread. I hope you're enjoying this festive season with what ever you might celebrate.

I've had a great past few days, even with the stress, frustration, and even anger that can dwell up inside me during times of craziness and running around like the holidays I was able to stay clean. Although I must also admit that there wasn't any real oppurtunity to slip.

Tomorrow will be my first day back in the Home Office alone in the last week or so, and will be the 1st initial challange. I will be making my TO-DO list and starting early to accomplish a lot.

[notimeforthis]

For me keeping busy for the purpose of accomplishing things that are important to me keeps me from slipping with P and MB. I don't want to just make TO-DO lists and do mundane tasks for ever just for the purpose of not looking at P, how ever it's important to me that I set goals and each days tasks reflect what I need to do to make those goals a reality for me.

Today is the start of one of those days, as I'm back in my office on my own and my partner is back to work after the holidays. It will be my first test to ensure my strength and mind are up to this challange. I will come out clean today, it's how much of struggle it might be for me is the bigger question.

[notimeforthis]

First day back in my home office alone went well, had some temptations and wanted to look at P a couple of times. The same old thing started to hit me, I wondered what was new on the sites I looked at continually before beginning my abstinence from viewing P.

I was able to cope with them through out the day, and did have quite a bit on my plate so was sure to keep busy and avoid the chance of slipping.

Something I haven't considered or put much thought into is whether I want to stop MB all together or not. I think my answer is YES for this point in time. It promotes my binging on P and MB, and I'm sure at some point would lead me back to a P site and into the same old cycle all over again.

I have gone 7 days clean without P, but I have MB. From this day I decide will not be MB any longer either for an indefinite period of time.

Today, is another day I have a lot on my plate and should be able to stay more then busy. I have had thoughts already today but they come and go. I know I will go through today not viewing P, then into the weekend where I find it much easier to manage my time and have very few moments in front of my computer working.

On to another day!