Post by wamu on Dec 17, 2007 22:33:48 GMT -5
I stumbled upon this site while researching a new business idea that i am working on. I took a quick glance, realized it wasn't the site i was looking 4, and opened another window to keep researching. My research complete, i started closing windows and stopped to read this one. As I began reading the posts I got a very strange feeling in my stomach. 
THe stories were all familiar, they were all grotesque and sick and sad and familiar, b/c they were all my story. I claim to have felt the touch of God b4 but this was so much different it was just a wretched ball of really dark and bad feeling deep in my gut. A story about how someone had fallen again really touched me b/c that is my expletive deleted story. I guess I've run the gambit just like all the rest. from the adolescent start to trying to quit to trying to hide to not even trying to quit to not even feeling bad about it to feeling horrible about it. remember when it was actually about the sex? that was at the beginning then as u get older sex no longer is the draw and it is just about the high, and then that goes away and the only diff b/w u & a crak addct is that u don't go to jail. remember the time u got caught? yeah that was an experience. it stopped me for about a week, then right bk @ it again.
then comes the real monster...ED yes i said it...late 20's and ordering the blue pill...but even that didn't work. i'm sitting home alone w/my dream girl...an actual girl...human type...and no magic down there...she's freaking, i'm freaking....man that sux. that's what i mean when i say remember when it was actually about the sex. cuz i never had/have that prob w/the cyber girls...@ one time it was b/c i was horny...now it's just the drug, the endorphin, the high....which by the way is dwindling rapidly....
so here i am @ 916 pm and this is the completion of my first day. this isn't my first "first day" but maybe it's my last first day. yeah that would be cool. and really it prob isn't my last first day but this is the 1st i've ever posted about it so that says something right.
whatever...i'm going to keep typing. i've done so much research on this very prob, i feel like i could write a book. ever read "every man's battle" that was the 1st book i read about it. the strange thing is that i have such a successful life. i win in everything i do. i never fail, but this has always kicked my
i've only ever told one person. remember the 1st time u told someone? i told my GF, i don't know Y, i just did one day. she wasn't shocked, she didn't seem to care, she just said thanks for telling me, she was really sincere about it, as if she felt like it was a truly intimate moment, for a while she was my partner on covenant eyes, but i didn't quit, i just found a way to defeat covenant eyes. it was as if she didn't even believe me, i still think she thought i made the whole thing up. anyway i've never told anyone else. my best friend who is so close to me that we are practically the same person doesn't even know.
i come from a long line of alcoholics, but i've never really even been drunk nor had any inclination for the stuff (how do people get over the taste?). but this thing has really kicked my buttocks. & like i said I never lose, nothing else ever beats me. i have all these stupid theories as to how i ended up here but i never know if i do this b/c i'm that way or if i'm that way b/c i do this...
my sister has this awesome portrait of this man peeling off his old dirty skin to reveal a new clean body. that's how i want to feel, i'm sick of this. i sick of it.
THe stories were all familiar, they were all grotesque and sick and sad and familiar, b/c they were all my story. I claim to have felt the touch of God b4 but this was so much different it was just a wretched ball of really dark and bad feeling deep in my gut. A story about how someone had fallen again really touched me b/c that is my expletive deleted story. I guess I've run the gambit just like all the rest. from the adolescent start to trying to quit to trying to hide to not even trying to quit to not even feeling bad about it to feeling horrible about it. remember when it was actually about the sex? that was at the beginning then as u get older sex no longer is the draw and it is just about the high, and then that goes away and the only diff b/w u & a crak addct is that u don't go to jail. remember the time u got caught? yeah that was an experience. it stopped me for about a week, then right bk @ it again.then comes the real monster...ED yes i said it...late 20's and ordering the blue pill...but even that didn't work. i'm sitting home alone w/my dream girl...an actual girl...human type...and no magic down there...she's freaking, i'm freaking....man that sux. that's what i mean when i say remember when it was actually about the sex. cuz i never had/have that prob w/the cyber girls...@ one time it was b/c i was horny...now it's just the drug, the endorphin, the high....which by the way is dwindling rapidly....
so here i am @ 916 pm and this is the completion of my first day. this isn't my first "first day" but maybe it's my last first day. yeah that would be cool. and really it prob isn't my last first day but this is the 1st i've ever posted about it so that says something right.
whatever...i'm going to keep typing. i've done so much research on this very prob, i feel like i could write a book. ever read "every man's battle" that was the 1st book i read about it. the strange thing is that i have such a successful life. i win in everything i do. i never fail, but this has always kicked my
i've only ever told one person. remember the 1st time u told someone? i told my GF, i don't know Y, i just did one day. she wasn't shocked, she didn't seem to care, she just said thanks for telling me, she was really sincere about it, as if she felt like it was a truly intimate moment, for a while she was my partner on covenant eyes, but i didn't quit, i just found a way to defeat covenant eyes. it was as if she didn't even believe me, i still think she thought i made the whole thing up. anyway i've never told anyone else. my best friend who is so close to me that we are practically the same person doesn't even know.
i come from a long line of alcoholics, but i've never really even been drunk nor had any inclination for the stuff (how do people get over the taste?). but this thing has really kicked my buttocks. & like i said I never lose, nothing else ever beats me. i have all these stupid theories as to how i ended up here but i never know if i do this b/c i'm that way or if i'm that way b/c i do this...
my sister has this awesome portrait of this man peeling off his old dirty skin to reveal a new clean body. that's how i want to feel, i'm sick of this. i sick of it.
. Just don't do it. You can't slip if you don't want to. Go out, play jazz, kick a man at the street, go buy a dog, play the dominoes, shot a gun, get a tattoo, do anything just don't do you know what.