KaLLs journal

[kall]

Hey all.

My names Kall. Now i'm a rather short struggler. I've been addicted to p* and m* for about 2 years.

Now the longest i've gone without it is about two weeks.

So far its been about a week without p and about 4 days without m.

I'm trying to go the whole hog; break both at once. Because i believe they work hand in hand. But thats my opinion.

So we'll start from Day 4.
Today has been a great day for me. Last night after spending an hour and a half reading the bible and in prayer, church felt the best its ever had, it didnt feel like the same old thing over and over again.

My best friend, a girl, knows about my addiction and is possibly my greatest human help. I'm so thankful to God for her support and acceptance in my problem.

I hope i can keep this up, well, more than hope, i pray. But i cant let myself get down.

My mood swings i've been having havent popped up in the last couple of days, but i'm expecting their reemergance soon.

Well, lets hope with Gods help i can make it.

Kallan.

[tomlincolnsixecho]

Hey good luck, and great job coming online to share your recovery. take it a day at a time, before you know it you will have some good recovery happening

[kall]

Just an update to say

I will be completely clean for today.

[kall]

Sorry about the double post.

So Day 5
Fairly easy day, thank the lord. Had a headache the whole time.
Ran into a bit of trouble, but nothing to do with porn. More emotional, to do with my best friend. I might as well pour out my heart here.

Ok, i've known this girl for about 13 years of my life. Which is a long time. We met in school, graduated together all that crap.

Now in recent times, i've developed, what i guess you could call a crush on her. But its weird because i love her so much as a friend.
Now i'm completely honest with her, but i'll admit i held back on telling her about this.
Eventually i told her, and we've managed to keep our relationship the same.

Now i told her about my addiction recently, but this has no bearing on what she's doing at the moment.

She "likes" someone else, she accidentally let it slip. And she also accidentally let it slip that its hurting her to try and not hurt me.

We both got angry, she got angry at me for blaming myself, and i at her for saying that its not my fault.

I'm probably blowing it all out of proportion, but i'm worried this will get me back to M and P. I must stay strong.

This is me signing out, a worried man.

[kall]

Just a bump, i'll post day contents later, but i've been struggling a little, come out succesful. I will be strong. I will not fall to temptation. For God.

[william1000]

Hi Kall,
I am happy to see you have started this journey.
Its tough starting out but its worth it.
You life is a bit complicated at the moment with this girl.
She sounds great. Its easy to say there are many fish in the sea but when you like one particular fish you don't see the others.
I hope you can work something out. It would be sad to lose the friendship.
Try and separate your two issues and no use it an excuse.
In the end if you want to have her or have successful relationships with others you need to sort your problem out.
Its better to fix it before you get into a serious relationship rather than later on when its alot more complicate.
I wish you luck and keep you chin up.
Even if you time with this girl is not now, you might get the chance again in the future.
Be a good friend at the very least.
If you love someone set them free, if they return their yours.

Kind Regards
William

[kall]

Thanks William. Exactly my thoughts. My feelings towards her are tearing me apart. I've resolved to keep contact to a minimum, which shouldnt be hard over this christmas period.

Didnt get to update yesterday, i was struggling, so i turned the computer of as soon as i could.

Well its been a week
I dont feel any different.

Well, thats a lie actually. I feel, emotionally strained, but other factors are contributing. I feel pure, clean. I dont feel guilty. I'm slightly scared of what might happen.

So day 6 was a struggle towards the end, days are fine for me, working doesnt give me a chance to fall. But afters are where i may fail.

Today was really easy, no temptations whatsoever.

After saturday, i'll not be able to get to any technology whatsoever. So for ten days i'm guaranteed of no p. I just have to make it till then. I'm wary.

Signing of, Kallan.

[kall]

Well that was a misjudgement.

I m last night. It showed me how easily i can fall without my God.

I'll admit, i got cocky, i thought i could do it on my own.

I neglected to pray and read my bible all day yesterday and that is where i failed.

Day 8, of no p, Day 1, m.
So work today was stressingly busy. But its a good thing. About three nights ago, i decided not too talk to my friend for a while. I have good reason, though i havent explained it all, unfortunately she thinks i'm being selfish, and just trying to make her feel guilty.

Well i am being selfish. But not in that way.
I've always considered my feelings towards her to be divided into two parts. One half of me loves her so much as a friend, and the other half of me has these stupid what you could call lustful and jealous emotions. I guess you could call them lustful, though i never feel like that towards her, I should more say,the emotions of having a crush on someone.

I've always managed to keep the other side of me, mainly the jealousy under control. But after hearing about this person that she may or may not be dating, they've started to emerge violently.

And i'm really worried i'm gonna hurt her by saying something stupid. So thats why i'm not talking to her. In order not to hurt her any more than i may have or might be.

Sitting on the couch watching the TV, i kept having short spasms of that... Well i call it the "want" feeling. That feeling that makes you want porn. That makes you want to fulfill my sexual desires. But they didnt last long, if only because i pray whenever i feel them, and because i manage to tell myself why i dont want too. And other reasons.

But these arent strong urges. And what happens if i get a strong one? This is where i've failed before.

Signing of, Kallan.