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Post by longhair19 on Dec 14, 2007 17:39:23 GMT -5
Well...I like the idea of a journal, so I decided to start one. I also brought it up as a suggestion in my therapy group, so I just HAD to start one, so as not to be a hypocrite. ;D This is day 4 of my journey into freedom from PA. My addiction goes back to when I was about 12 and I found my father's stack of mags. The thing I like the most about quitting today is that, at night, when I close my eyes in the dark, I no longer have P images burned into my eyelids. Much more relaxing. Ta-ta for now. longhair19
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Post by Mayberry on Dec 14, 2007 19:01:49 GMT -5
Love the title...and glad you're journaling. All the best to you!
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Post by longhair19 on Dec 15, 2007 17:29:31 GMT -5
Today is day 5, and it's definitely been the most difficult day, though not agonizingly so. I'm still in the process of ridding my house of all P materials, and I haven't given in to my urges for P, so I have to say the day has been pretty good, overall. I'm still hesitant to throw away a particularly graphic issue of Heavy Metal magazine, but I don't think giving it to someone else is the right thing to do, so into the trash it'll go. On a different note...we just got back from buying a Christmas tree. Me and my 10-year-old are really excited about the blue lights we got for a bush outside.  Peace. |
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Dec 15, 2007 19:02:55 GMT -5
good job coming online for recovery, best of luck
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Post by longhair19 on Dec 17, 2007 8:54:02 GMT -5
Wow! I made it a whole week! Last night was tough, but using this site helped me get through it. Thanks. It's funny, but on WebMD, there's a doctor who says he doesn't believe in SA, that it's just a scam therapists use to pad their client list. Gee, I guess I've been wrong all along, and there's nothing wrong with me spending hours on the internet looking for P, and saving thousands of images on my computer. It must also be natural that, now that I've deleted them, I still get the urge to recompile my 'collection.' Give that Doc the Nobel Prize! Enough sarcasm. Happy Monday!  |
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Post by longhair19 on Dec 17, 2007 23:06:47 GMT -5
OK. Day 8 was really hard for me. Especially tonight. I'm keeping a stiff upper lip (and a clenched jaw) about it. I think it's even harder with the stress of seeing my dad in the hospital on dialysis. I'm really urging to use P as an escape and MB to relieve the stress. Instead, I'll go upstairs, put on my headphones and try to relax to some tunes. Here's hoping your challenge today has been easier than mine!
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Post by longhair19 on Dec 18, 2007 20:47:30 GMT -5
I thought day 8 was hard...Ha! Day 9 is a beast. It didn't help that I spent 11 hours in the hospital with my wife for her back and chest pain (despite the pain, she seems alright, phew!). It happened to be the same hospital my dad has been in for over a week. When I wasn't with my wife, I was running around the hospital talking to doctors, social workers and medicaid reps. Now that I'm finally back home, guess what I want to do now.  My plan is to go to the pharmacy, come home, put the garbage out, take a shower and crash into bed. If it weren't for this site...and all of you here...I wouldn't be making a plan at all, I'd just be trying to vent all this stress by acting out with P. As frustrating as this feels, I know that when I turn the lights off and close my eyes, I'll enjoy every relaxing moment without images of P stuck inside my head. Peace. |
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Post by longhair19 on Dec 19, 2007 17:43:22 GMT -5
Almost...looked...at...  I almost opened a page from a link that I was attracted to because it was obviously P. Before the page could load, I clicked the 'back arrow.' I actually felt my body flush with heat at just the thought of viewing P on the computer. Nobody said this was going to be easy. I'm just glad that temptation didn't get me this time! |
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Post by longhair19 on Dec 20, 2007 22:10:51 GMT -5
Well...day 11 has almost come to a close, and I haven't given in to the urge to indulge in P. A lot more urges today. It's almost as if my desire for P realizes that I'm serious about stopping this time, and is turning up the heat, hoping I'll give in. Damn! I haven't felt like this since I quit smoking cigarettes. As strong as the psychological urge is, I have to really believe there's a physiological component to my addiction as well. My body is so used to revving it up with P, then sating my lust with MB, that it's crying out for more. It's like there's a little parasitic demon living inside me, and it wants to be fed! DEMONS BE GONE!!!
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Post by domorewithmylife on Dec 21, 2007 8:25:47 GMT -5
Keep going buddy. We have similar stories. I have a young child and some family health issues. I've tried to quit before - I'm on day 4 now. About a year ago I did seek therapy and brought up my SA. In my opinion, the therapist wasn't very up on the subject, but she did ask a good question. She asked what I was using P and M to medicate. For me I think it's been stress and depression - I'm trying to do activities to help with those 2 feelings instead of seeking P.
Anyway, good luck - you can do it! Make it through today and worry about tomorrow, tomorrow!
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Post by longhair19 on Dec 22, 2007 19:31:07 GMT -5
Yesterday was really hard, and today is even harder. Both mornings I had dreams where I had looked at P, and I woke up believing I really had. Right now there are two things keeping me from indulging: 1 - I really don't want to have to start over from day 1, and 2 I don't want to admit to anyone, whether on this site or in my therapy group, that I did look at P. My whole body seems to be craving it. I'll have to update this later, to let y'all in on how it goes for me tonight.
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Post by seekinghealing on Dec 23, 2007 0:35:07 GMT -5
LH19 - I'm in the same boat, or a similar one anyway. Part of me wants to look at the p pictures right now. Its a part of me that is overwhelmed with paperwork and decisions to make. But I just want to escape completely and get stimulated and feel good NOW. But I don't really want that. I think I'll walk away from the work in front of me now. I can watch TV or stare into space even. Somehow the p balances the work. Right now, without the p, I can't do the work. If I did look at p now, however, I would also not get any work done, plus I would feel that I had failed once again. Anyhow - just to say hello - you're not alone. Write me back anytime. I guess we just have to keep checking in with our deeper selves to keep on the positive path. I saw your note about the WebMD doctor - and your comment - very interesting! Be well, sh  |
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Peace.
My plan is to go to the pharmacy, come home, put the garbage out, take a shower and crash into bed. If it weren't for this site...and all of you here...I wouldn't be making a plan at all, I'd just be trying to vent all this stress by acting out with P. As frustrating as this feels, I know that when I turn the lights off and close my eyes, I'll enjoy every relaxing moment without images of P stuck inside my head. Peace.
I almost opened a page from a link that I was attracted to because it was obviously P. Before the page could load, I clicked the 'back arrow.' I actually felt my body flush with heat at just the thought of viewing P on the computer. Nobody said this was going to be easy. I'm just glad that temptation didn't get me this time! 